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Update of sorts

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by hexamum, Oct 14, 2016.

  1. hexamum

    Full Member

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    Nothing major has changed really.
    I came out to my bestie. That was a huge hurdle. She's abroad on her holidays, so we're just swapping fleeting mails while she has net coverage. She's being great about it.
    Husband still thinks this can all be fixed by a few changes. He's planning various future endeavours, but I have no enthusiasm whatsoever. :frowning2:
    All I want to do is move out. I know it'd pickle the kids though. :frowning2:

    I'd like to find a counsellor, or even a group to go to. But it won't be able to be local, in case someone knows our family. Someone to speak to. In real life. I would t know where to start!!
    I know of social gatherings, but without being 'out' it's pointless going xx
     
  2. BenFreeman

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    A counsellor would be confidential you know. If you are planning to see this thing through a counsellor would be a good idea to give you ongoing support.

    You think it would pickle the kids If you move out? Why can I so very easily argue this in a positive light. How long do you think it will take before they become AWARE of how frustrated and unhappy mom is in her marriage. And what kind of example of relationship would that be for them? Great parenting is also about being a role model for your children. If you stay, what are you teaching them. That its ok to compromise yourself? And if you leave, what are you teaching them? That its ok to follow your dreams? ok so I am a bit biased...

    You say you cant go go to socials because you are not out. A radical solution would be to just...well...come out. Go to a social and see where it takes you. And let everything else flow from there. Can you consider doing that?

    If your husband wants to delude himself is it your problem? It's not your responsibility to stop him from hurting himself. You've tried telling him the truth. What more can you really do.

    You may disagree with me, but I am thinking that whats holding you back is your own apprehension...fear of the unknown. Are you afraid that you may be wrong, that you may be kidding yourself? Even if you are 100% sure, it is a tall order to follow through I know. You've told your best friend, and for now that's the step you can take. Tomorrow you will figure out what the next do-able step is. Just take it one day at a time.

    blessings
     
  3. nbd

    nbd
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    Location:
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    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I agree with BenFreeman that a confidential therapist would be a good plan. Again, no one in your community needs to know. Having an impartial listener is an incredibly helpful asset. It could be difficult for your friends to offer you support that you might not want to hear. I've also noticed that this site can be pretty biased toward splitting from mixed-orientation-marriages with the goal of living authentically. A very honorable goal, definitely, but I know there are some who have been able to make open marriage work in a way that is respectful and enriching for all involved.

    The therapist will help you decide what it truly is that you want, and a good one will help your husband see the possibilities of what mixed-orientation-marriages could look like. Seeing a counsellor together would also be a good idea to mediate the discussions about your feelings and self discoveries.

    My partner and I are each seeing our own therapists, and we're about ready to see a couples/sex therapist. Yes, it's time consuming. Yes, it's expensive. Divorce is far more expensive.

    It sounds like you really want out of the marriage, for reasons outside of the sexual orientation issue. Have you ever seen a therapist with him to help with your communication troubles and other interactions? As co-parents you'll want to have a healthy way to deal with each other, and therapy can help with that prior to the decision to split. I feel like when there are kids involved, it's important to work with a professional to get everyone on the same page. If the marriage can't be salvaged, at least you know you tried, and you made some groundwork for how the family will continue to function when apart.

    A few weeks ago, I was resigned to the thought that my marriage was doomed to fail. Since we've both begun therapy, we're starting to understand other ways to see the future of our relationship. In some ways, it just seemed easier in terms of mental work to say "well, I think I'm gay, that's it, marriage over" instead of "I have been attracted to my spouse in the past, I still love him, there are ways to rekindle the initial spark that are difficult and can be daunting but are worth the work to support our family. Open marriage could be a way to find satisfaction, too, so long as we are committed to each other primarily and the foundation of our family."

    It's tough, no doubt. Best of luck to you.