While I'm out and proud, I feel totally lost at the moment, although the mere act of declaring this publically is my way of saying that I‘m finding my way. Feeling lost or out of focus is a temporary effect caused by the plan-do-reflect model of taking increasingly larger baby steps that I’ve posted about. Eventually you get to the point where you have built a lot of muscle by doing things that were previously so far out of your comfort zone. The reality is that I’ve done a lot to get where I am today, and it’s time to reflect and prepare for the next chapter of my life in a more comprehensive fashion. Now that I’ve come out and abandoned the heteronormative (and homonormative for that matter), I find myself beginning to appreciate the “there are no rules” approach to a gay lifestyle, which was originally disconcerting to someone coming from the straight world. I now appreciate the lack of constraints, so that I have freedom to design what I want from my life without the constraints of straight, social norms. One of the downsides of being in the closet is that you learn to lie to yourself and others about what is truly important to you. Clearly sexual orientation is the big lie, but there are also other aspects of one’s self that can be collateral damage of the deception. Now that I’m out, I’m sorting the lies from the truth and teasing out my faux and authentic selves, which is another way of saying I really don’t know who I am. I came out so that I could find authentic love. I’m trying to figure out who I am and what I want in a guy. I've spent my life avoiding those important questions, so I figure it will take some time to figure it out. I find myself increasingly selective about hookups, and they continue to be a helpful exercise in figuring out what I like and don’t like in a guy. I went to a gay bar in my twenties before I met my future wife. I find myself speculating how my life would have been different if the guy I was interested in that night had not just broken up with his BF or had I connected with somebody else. In many ways I’m revisiting that inflection point today and taking the other path, which is why I feel that I have the energy of a 20-something who is trying to figure it all out.
Wow, awesome post, and it is so appropriate for me right now. Thanks for sharing these thoughts. I'm at the beginning of trying to abandon my heteronormative thinking and embracing the gay me. I don't know who I am as a gay man, or what kind of guy I really like because, like you, I avoided thinking about guys in any sort of romantic way. I still have not even been to a gay bar, though I'm going to one a week from today with some friends. I realize I have a long way to go before I'm ready to "be gay" and not just thinking about being gay. Sometimes I feel like a fish out of water.
I suppose the relevant aphorism is "Be careful what you wish for." I came out to my wife of 30 years because I (thought I had) found authentic love. That ended two weeks later. For the next year and a half, I did everything I could think of to try to replicate that first gay relationship. It wasn't until the last six months or so that I realized I'm actually pretty happy as a self-contained unit. I have a Friend with Benefits, but we don't live together, and I'm not sure we ever will (different stages in life, different interests, etc.) But I sure enjoy seeing him on his days off. The rest of the week I'm free to be me (and all that entails). I realize now that I've already had a very satisfying 30-year relationship (the one with my wife) — not sure that I need or deserve another one in this lifetime. Of course, that's just me; your mileage will vary. I guess what I'm saying is your goal to find authentic love may itself be a self-deception. Not everyone is cut out for being in a relationship. My 2¢.
Thanks Weston. You seem to be equating authentic love with relationships, which in many ways is like equating spirituality with religion. I'm in no hurry to enter into a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. In fact, looking for a relationship is not my immediate goal. My goal right now is to create connections with other guys and to improve the quality of those connections by understanding myself and refining what I look for in a guy. Of course I will eventually find a connection that lasts more than several hours and grows into a FWB or BF, as was the case with my ex-bf. I definitely prefer to develop deeper connections with guys than is afforded by most apps, so there's no self-deception here. The real question is what form does the connection take? Will I experience serial monogamy (as BFs who may live together or separately) or will I find a partner for life? To be transparent I have no preconceived notions or expectations at this point, which is a very Buddhist perspective of living in the moment. ---------- Post added 15th Oct 2016 at 03:28 AM ---------- Thanks. Unfortunately there's not a lot of guidance for guys who are in the DMZ between coming out and living proudly as gay men, so I share my experience here on EC to help guys like yourself who are out and grokking what that really means.
Great post Siennafire! Shows fantastic progress. Your post also confirms for me a similar experience I went through, and still go through at times. The journey is an ongoing self evaluation process, not sure it ever ends. Have a great weekend!
SiennaFire You always bring up such great subjects in your posts that cause me to do a bit of reflection of my own situation albeit quite different from yours. I am in the process of evaluating the relationships I have developed with other men over the last several months. I see the process as small head, big head, heart. I am first attracted to guys for the physical aspects and have some fun. Then I try and understand what this intellectually means. Finally, it seems, I just feel it inside and the original feelings of sexual attraction or the "math" on the relationship begin to be less important. The relationships that I need to develop, to stay within the bounds of my marriage, need to be non-traditional (by both heteronormative and homonormative standards (perhaps)). There is not the expectation that the relationships need to follow some path or defined process. I will never have the white picket fence house in the suburbs with another man! But, that doesn't mean that the bond that I am developing with my gay friends is any less real or that the feelings are not authentic. This disregard of conventional thinking and expectations is beginning to allow me to develop, and express, different types and levels of friendship, bonding and sexual expression with each of my friends. Is this similar to what you are seeking?
SiennaFire and Imgay47, your posts both resonate with me. Having just come out I'm very much trying to figure out how I want to live the next part of my life. A much younger gay friend gave me the advice to "go slow." I think his words merit serious consideration, even though at 62 I feel like I want to make up for lost time. It wasn't really lost, just different in that I've been married for nearly 35 years to the same kind and gentle woman. Right now I just want to explore, and get comfortable with my new gay identity. Sometime the newness will wear off and it will just be part of who I am, not so forward as it is in my thoughts right now. Being mindful of who I am is important, but I don't think the sexuality component should be so front and center forever.
Thanks for the kind words about my posts. Certainly shedding conventional thinking and expectations is part of my experience. Just tonight I was out to dinner with a group of gay friends as part of a meetup. I chuckled when I discovered the married gay guy next to me at dinner also appeared next to me in one of those apps. Gotta to love it. Our journeys are similar, though my options are less constrained. I'm looking for a guy I really click with, and I get the sense you are looking for something similar within the confines of your marriage. I'm probably scaring you with my directness on this point. As for small head, big head, heart - I think we're in different places. Hooking up for small head relief is no longer as exciting as it once was for me. Guys who just want to get off just don't do it for me anymore. I look for more of a connection, such as conversation and dinner before heading to bed. I get turned on equally by the person and their body, so I definitely want build up to the main event. I still have small head moments where I'm looking for a release with another gay guy who turns me on mentally and physically where the relative anonymity of the hookup creates mystique and desire and a certain amount of gay theatre.
PS - It's taken some time to give myself permission to be the 20-something gay that reflects my internal experience. I held myself back because I felt that this is not how a middle-aged man should behave, then I just said fuck it. I never sowed my wild oats when I identified as straight, so this is something that I need to do before I can settle down with a guy.
How long have you been out? If you are still on your coming out high, then I agree with your friend's advice about going slow until things settle down for you.
I didn't do the "wild oats" thing either, SiennaFire. And, there is certainly an element of that in what I am now doing. Although, I must be a bit more restrained than you...a lot more restrained. But, to clarify what I am learning about my sexuality and, in particular, my relationships with men... As a closeted bisexual, I think I always had a fear that my relationships with my friends would cross the line. So, I made sure that didn't happen. I think I, actually, closed myself off to the depths of feelings I could have for other men. Instead of bisexuality allowing deeper, and more variable, expressions of affection and bonding, my fear of being discovered hurt this. I wonder if that is the same with you? Now, I am learning how to let those emotions and desires affect how I develop relationships. This started out with sex (small head). Pretty soon I started to think about it some..."I am intimate with a man, what does this mean...what does this guy mean to me?" (large head). Now, I am becoming more open to just following my heart in my feelings for other men. I am developing a whole range of different types of relationships with other men. Some are completely platonic gay friendships, some are straight buddies, some are gay men that need my emotional support, some are just casual booty call arrangements. None, of these are what I would consider traditional "relationships" in the sense that they need to develop any further than what they are...and they are good. You are correct that I am also looking for a deeper connection with a special man It has been an exceptional experience for me and one of the most satisfying things I have done in my life. It seems I could have these types of relationships with women; but was not with men. It has been freeing. I guess, thinking back at inflection points. What if I could have done this at twenty?
I secretly wanted some of my friendships to cross the line, but alas that never happened. Being in the closet made me a more guarded person in general because I made a habit of hiding important aspects of myself. So for me it was part fear of being discovered and the learned behavior of hiding my true self (beyond my sexuality). As I've posted before, discovering the latter and learning to be more open and vulnerable was an important insight after coming out. FWIW, this mirrors my own experience, namely developiong a range of non-traditional relationships with men. These what if types of exercises are tricky. We both need to (and are) making the most of every day. In my case I'm sufficiently free to pick up where I left off
Its so good to read a post like this as often in this journey of coming out I see people stuck and others seemingly reaching the promise land so to speak. Life and especially coming our later in life is not usually a constant upward trajectory. SiennaFire your post here helps me take a breath and appreciate patience, take care of now and let my story unfold as it needs knowing a reset is often required and is beneficial. Purposefully and sometimes not I will take a step back and reflect on what I've been doing as I come out and embrace who I am. Seems to me you are doing that here with intent as you try to move to the next level. Looking back at inflection points and hashing some things out in relation to them can be rewarding. At the same time I'm wary of constant navel gazing and overthinking; almost an excuse to not to move forward. So after stepping back and getting my bearings from time to time I push forward. I'll be out to my wife soon thanks for sharing this part of your story.
