Hello! Since I am in my 40s I guess that makes me "later in life"! LOL So I figured I would post this here.. I feel the need to tell people my story now more then ever precisely because I am getting older. I am not calling myself old, but I am no longer a young man of 20! There are only a few people who know I am bisexual (my mother, brother and his wife). I have always found it difficult to open up about my sexuality. But now I find that as the years go by, hiding it just gets more and more difficult and painful. I identify as bisexual because I am attracted to both men and women, although in different ways. Romantically I am attracted to both men and women. Sexually I am attracted only to men. However I do tend to look at a women's body simply because it is beautiful but I have no interest in making love to her. I have always felt this way and this has been the source of my confusion. These feelings have led me to a life where I feel lonely and trapped because it is hard for me to come out about it. I have had girlfriends but not for very long and few sexual partners. I have never had a boyfriend for the same reason. I have found it hard to talk about this with those in my family. And I have lost friendships because of my feelings. So growing up there was no one I could really confide in or relate to. I read a number of psych books on the subject but I didn't find them to be helpful. And then the internet came along and I researched some more and I did learn more. For example it is normal for someone to have romantic feelings for one sex and sexual feeling for another. I always thought there was something wrong with me or I was going through a “phase”, but now I realize this is who I am. I do want my life to go forward in a way that makes me happiest, so that is why I am posting here in the hopes of talking with those who have gone through similar experiences. I would also like to get more involved in the LGBT community and meet others like myself. I live in the western part of MA so if anybody here is in the area I would like to talk with them. I tried to see if there are any groups in my area but I couldn't find any. I welcome any helpful advice and comments...thanks!
First of all, let me welcome you to EC! In regards to your conundrum, I have a little to share of my own experience and those of a few friends. I will start with my friends that are ace. Normally, I wouldn't make this comparison. They are asexual, but one is homoromantic, the other heteroromantic. They have both kissed one of their before, but felt nothing from the experience. They find their respective preferences attractive, but do ot feel the urges to have any sexual relations. They both do have one concession, though, and that is that if they were to be in a relationship with someone they love and that individual were to be interested in pursuing sexual relations, then they would be willing to try for that person. Now, for me personally. I have had several relationships, and to be frank, many sexual relations. I have had issues on both sides of this. With men I didn't have any romantic feelings for, I would have no issues whatsoever sexually. I would be able to meet them repeatedly, and nothing come of it aside from mutual satisfaction. When the other party began developing feelings, however, I walked away. The problem with sex comes into play when I am in a relationship. At that point, I will have sex with the person I'm dating. But for whatever reason, I seem to have a deceased libido and slowly start moving to having none whatsoever. This has caused many problems, and I haven't given much thought to it because honestly I'm afraid of what I might learn about myself. In conclusion, you are definitely not alone in this. I don't have any helpful advice on how to overcome this, but I can at least offer a kindred spirit (in the sense of feeling lonely because of the problems arising from this)
Thanks for sharing! You said that you have had sexual relations with men that you had no feelings for. I too have had relations like that. Someone I met online and really didn't get to know but we had sex. It wasn't fulfilling because I also want the relationship part but that never materialized.
Not a problem A lot of my sexual relations have been with men that I have no feelings for. I suppose it could be described as a self defense mechanism as well? They only get to know me for what I desire sexually, and don't tend to ask questions about me personally. I know that I fear getting close to anyone (more so recently) because of some terrible coping done when I was a teenager and lost many family members and close friends. In person, I will tend to clam up or only give out bits and pieces of information about me (and I will never give two people different information if there's a chance they will meet). It gets to be very confusing and frustrating. As for that fulfillment from sex, as backwards as it sounds from what I've said so far, I feel the same way. I want that relationship, that intimacy, but it seems that when the two start to coincide I will begin slipping in one of the two categories and it never works out
