I am now 42 and yet I realised I wasn't straight when I was quite young. A friend of mine would play at my house and in our roleplay I would often play a woman who ended up kissing him. In high school I had a crush on another boy which lasted for years. After I dropped out of uni and got a job I started going to an Evangelical church and it was during that time that I started to want to explore my sexuality (bad timing!) and ended up meeting guys. A few of my friends know about my sexuality but I haven't told my parents. I was in a relationship with a woman for a few years which was a happy time but there wasn't much affection or intimacy from her side. She saw me more as a friend I think. After we split up I went through counselling to try to figure out my sexuality. I'm not sure if it helped much. My relationships with men have been brief. I think women are amazing and beautiful and I love spending time with them but anything beyond that seems awkward. I recently emailed a suicide prevention organisation as sometimes my anxieties build up until I have to let them out in some way, and they gave me some encouraging words and asked if my sexuality was an issue to me, which it might be. I think 'gay' comes with a lot of associations and it's not always easy to relate to people who refer to themselves by that label. As someone who is shy and uncomfortable with myself I find it hard to fit in and consider myself unable to be part of communities for fear of being rejected. Anyway, I've rambled on enough!
Hi, Sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed with it all. That happens. Especially when you're unsure of yourself or where you fit in. I can relate. Do you think your building anxiety is a result of keeping yourself closed off from your parents? Even though we may be fully grown adults, having that support (or even just letting them know, support or no support) can mean a lot when it comes to inner peace and acceptance. Secrets have a way of wrecking everything. Anyway, I don't have a lot of advice, but the one thing I can say is that you won't ever be rejected here, so feel free to share your thoughts. There's a lot of great people here that know how you feel and want to help. Good luck! Mark
This might sound as though I am not taking your situation seriously but I am for sure. When I am torn, I always ask myself this question: I am 44. I have been doing this same thing that causes me anxiety for my entire adulthood. Do I want to spend the next 56 years (longer than I've already been on this earth) continuing to stay where I am and not take this leap I want to take and remain in this place, this moment, this type of life for that long? The answer always comes back as "no" and I find courage in the fear of living 56 more years like this and somewhere find the way to jumping in with both feet.
