I'm 27 and have been at least a little attracted to women since I was at least 14, but have only dated men. For the past year, I have been extremely attracted to a female I work with. It's emotional and sexual. I'm almost certain she's straight, but she's flirted a couple times. It's hard to tell because she's a flirt in general. When we make eye contact, I absolutely melt. My feelings for her are affecting my everyday life, as I am a mother and have a fiance. I am becoming less attracted to my fiance and men in general and I am becoming withdrawn and depressed because I don't know how to deal with these feelings. I have came out to a couple lesbians I know in hopes of some advice, but I still feel empty. I feel like I need to experiment to see if this is who I am, but I don't know how to go about flirting with her and potentially messing around with her. Or any other female I'm attracted to for that matter. Any advice is appreciated.
You really should not mess around with anyone at the moment unless you have discussed this with your fiancé and he is OK with it! I know having a really strong crush can make it seem like they are the only person in the world, but these feelings will fade and you will be stuck with the reality that you cheated. You will have to live with that secret hanging over your head for the rest of your life or tell your fiancé and deal with the consequences. Consequences which very well might affect your children too. If you already have discussed this with your fiancé and he is fine with it, you can disregard the things in this post related to that. That said, there are other ways to find out if you are a lesbian, bisexual or just curious. Really think about who you are sexually attracted to. Like your fiancé? Were you ever attracted to him sexually? What about other men? It sounds like you are at the very least bisexual since you say you have been attracted to women from a young age and it hasn't changed, so you are likely not just curious. Pay attention to the difference between romantic attraction/strong friendship and sexual attraction, like if you would really describe your fiancé more like a best friend than someone you actually want to sleep with, that is a common thing among lesbians stuck in relationships with men. The best thing you can do right now is to slow down and figure out your sexual orientation, once you have that all figured out you can move from there. If it turns out you are indeed gay, you have a long road ahead of you with some really difficult decisions to make since you are engaged and have children. On the up-side you are not married yet at least and if you strongly suspect you could be a lesbian, you might want to delay doing that too. If it turns out you are bisexual and would be happy to stay with your fiancé, then that is great. In that case you could possibly discuss it with him and ask him if he is open to you sleeping with other people on the side (he might want the same privilege too in that case, which is more than fair). Figuring out your orientation can sometimes take a while. For some it takes months or years even, especially when you start later in life and are in a relationship, so be patient with yourself. Keep posting and asking questions, there are lots of women here who have been in a similar situation who can help you along the way. Good luck!
I agree with Happy, that you shouldn't cheat on your fiance to figure this out. I also agree that there's a huge difference between romantic attraction and sexual attraction. I was always in relationships with men until the past few years, and as I've come out I realized that I never had the sexual attraction. I also figured out that the reason I never let myself embrace being a lesbian was that I never had an example of a good, healthy lesbian relationship before. Only you can figure out where on the spectrum you fall. Best to figure it out before your wedding, though. Otherwise, if you're truly lesbian, you'll find yourself always missing something.
About experimenting: First, only experiment if your SO and the girls involved are okay with it. Otherwise, It's cheating. Also be aware that a there are a lot of women who do not want to be used as an experiment, especially lesbians. So if you're looking for something, you're better off finding curious straight women or going to dating sites/hook-up places. Second, you don't have to experiment to know what your sexuality is. A true, 100% lesbian could experiment with 5 different girls, and hate each experience for different reasons. They might have been bad in bed, they might not have been her type, she might have been a person where casual sex doesn't really work for her. A 100% lesbian could also experiment with a man and enjoy it, simply for the physical sensations. So if you're experimenting to figure yourself out...well, you might not get accurate answers. I'm a lesbian myself and I have never engaged in any sexual experiences, or even kissing. But I knew my sexuality by focusing my thoughts on what genders turned me on mentally, what sexual activities I could do. I knew in my heart that it was only women for me. Especially since I am randomly sexually attracted to women, even without acting on it.
Wow! So much insight! I would definitely not cheat on my fiance without talking to him first. But I don't know at what point to talk to him about since obviously I can't take what I say back. I'm usually only attracted to him sexually when I drink. Which I know isn't a healthy relationship. He is usually only touchy feely when he wants to have sex. So I think I probably have hard feelings about that and I've probably just built a wall. I've never actually realized it, but now that you mention it, my feelings are probably more romantic than sexual.
Thanks for clearing that up for us! How do you think he would react if you came out to him as questioning? If you think he isn't likely to be supportive or you are unsure, it would probably not be a good idea right now until you know better what your orientation is and what you want from the future. Like you said, it is often difficult to take it back once the cat is out of the bag. If you are reasonably sure he would be supportive on the other hand, I would suggest just talking to him about it. Having his support would probably be a big relief for you right now and perhaps it would bring you two closer (it often does), which could be a great thing if you end up wanting to stay with him. If all you have between you is a wall, working on something this large and emotionally challenging together can really help you talk all your issues with each other through, which in turn will help you break down the wall. On the other hand, it is also possible you put up that wall because you did not want sex with him in the first place. Only you can figure that out, but it might take some time. Finding the right moment to bring it up can be really tricky and often it feels like there isn't really one, especially in a family with children and lots of other things going on, I can imagine. Hopefully someone who has been in a similar situation can chime in and offer some good advice to you, because I was single when I figured it out. Some more questions for you to think about (no need to answer them here if you don't want to): how do you feel about other men besides your fiancé? Do you ever feel sexually attracted to them when sober? If you are not attracted to them now, were you before you started crushing on this woman or was it something you mostly wanted "because it is the way it's supposed to be"? I promise it will all work out in the end one way or another. Just stick around and keep posting.
Creativemind is so very right. Many lesbians get used by people as "experiments" or fetishes, etc. We often end up guarded against that. Also, as a lesbian that had 2 long term relationships with men, I can attest to the idea of getting false results when having experiences with men. I know I atract romantically to a man, and I can enjoy being touched by them if I have a romantic attraction, but I don't outright desire them, nor do I find them attractive. Touching a man doesnt turn me on, either. When I touch a woman or see a beautiful woman, though.... yeah.
