I have plans with a friend tomorrow evening. I have absolutely no interest in him, but I'm afraid he has the wrong idea about things. We have a history which includes a random drunken encounter, then we went out for a while some time later, I ended it, and then once he stopped being a jerk about that we became friends again. Actually, he got mad at me awhile back because he thought things were going somewhere again and I made sure he knew I wasn't interested in him like that. I think of him as one of my closest friends, but he takes everything as if it means something more. I've canceled on him multiple times though, so I kind of have to show this time. How do I keep him from taking this the wrong way? I don't want to send him mixed signals. The truth is I don't find myself interested in men at all right now, and even if I did I'm just not attracted to him sexually or romantically. Right now I'm much more interested in being with a woman. I'm not comfortable telling him that though.
Be straight (lol) with him. Tell him that your friendship is important to you, and you understand that there may have been things in the past that could lead him to believe there was more, but you don't feel that way about him. You have to be blunt. Unfortunately, he's probably in love with you. You actually may have to stop being friends with him, at least for a little while. If you stay friends, he may always think there's a chance. Maybe because he's a dude and was raised on toxic masculinity. But most likely because he's in love with you and will never be able to turn it off. These situations always suck, but you've gotta take away any chance of hope. He's not getting the picture. Good luck. And you do not need to reveal that you want to be with women. You're allowed to NOT want to be with him just because you don't want to. ---------- Post added 18th Oct 2016 at 06:22 PM ---------- "The truth is always bearable when told with compassion." - my fortune cookie from tonight. Maybe it was for you. Lol.
Yeah, don't come out until you actually want to be out to people. Be straightforward with him that you're a friend but not wanting anything beyond that. It's the truth, and it's best for both of you.
Just tell him," hey thanks for this but this isn't a date"date" aright? I don't want to lead you on. And please don't be mad at me again."
Hmmm, to pay for yourself would be one way to get a point across. Keep the convo intellectual, talk about things, not about yourself, and don't touch or stand too close to him. Don't smile too much and don't laugh at his jokes. Crazy I know, most guy friends you wouldn't have to be so cold with but it seems he really is looking for any reason to believe you may be harboring feelings for him. But really....if it is going to be like this, why not just cut the ropes? I've had to do this with guy friends and believe me, the anxiety of hanging out and trying to keep it 'friends only' was exhausting. I finally had to let them go. Guys who are into you don't get 'just friends'. Good luck!
You should definitely tell him you're not interested in him, if it comes up again. Or if the night even makes you feel uncomfortable. You cite him as a close friend, but like YeahpIdk said, he may have stronger feelings for you and he deserves to know that it won't be returned. He may decide he can't be your friend anymore and that's okay if that's what he needs. Just as you don't owe him a chance at being romantic, which he may want, he doesn't owe you a friendship, which you want.
Thanks for the perspective. I'm super non-confrontational, but I guess I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and be upfront about how I feel if it comes up. I'm planning to keep things super casual tonight and avoid hanging out with him alone after this. I wouldn't go tonight, but I've been putting him off for a while. We work together, so it complicates things further. I love your fortune cookie, YeahpIdk! I think it might've been for me. Lol. CameOutSwinging, you're absolutely right. He doesn't owe me friendship anymore than I owe him a relationship. I hadn't thought of it from that angle, but that's spot on. Thanks again to everyone who offered insight. You guys are awesome.
I agree with all of the other responses...you need to make it clear where you stand and your intentions for just building a friendship. I can totally relate to your situation for I've been there. The fact of the matter is that once you clarify where you stand...wherever the cards may fall is on the other person and unfortunately...although you can make it clear...some people tend to not want to hear what you've said and still live within their illusion what could be possible and play the victim to make you feel guilty for your decision. Again...stand firm with your decision. Sooner or later..they will get the message and eventually welcome the opportunity to establish a platonic friendship with you..Good Luck...JS
