What to do?

Good to see a post from you, Highlander! It's been a long time. First of all, a belated but well-deserved thank you. It was a reply on one of your posts close to 3 years ago that first brought my partner (GayDadStr8Marig, remember him?) into each others' orbit. It was truly love at first read. We messaged on each others' walls constantly, managed to meet in person several weeks later, and we've now been living together for over a year. It's a magic I wasn't looking for at all because I really didn't think it was possible or even real.

Apps are funny things. If you signed on to wipe your profile, don't forget that you would have shown up as active too. I was on EC for quite awhile before I realized that my laptop or phone sometimes made me look active when I really wasn't. Or when I was just taking a look for activity from someone I knew. It's hard not to immediately assume the worst, but there's also no reason to, if he's given you none up till this point.

Jealousy and insecurity are destructive things. Richard (my bf) tends to amass Facebook acquaintances very easily and they sometimes message with him. One guy even posted a thank you for a conversation. I had a very hard time with that at first. Having someone who is really committed to me is wonderful, so why is he chatting with these other guys? The answer is simple. We are exclusive, we hold a very special place in each others' hearts that no one else could hope to reach, but we live in a big world with a lot of people and we are better for connecting with them one way or another. I feel twinges sometimes, but I remind myself that we both had a long individual history before we got together, and it would be unreasonable to expect that every friend from the time we met will be a shared friend who will like us both and give us equal time. I know deep in my heat that I can trust him, but I have a lot of garbage circulating around my head from past bad experiences that I can create insecurities where there really shouldn't be any.

If you think you can do it in a casual and non-threatening way, you could ask him about it, but be careful that your fears aren't obvious and your emotions don't get the better of you. What I would NOT do is talk around it to try and get information through some kind of wormhole into his head. Saying "I signed on to xxx the other day to clear out my profile" and waiting for a response that you can parse out and analyze might just create more questions and fears and insecurities, depending on his response (even if it's completely harmless). Saying you signed on to clear your profile and saw him logged on, just as a statement, and not something you dwell on, might start a reasonable discussion about where you stand, as long as you keep your emotions and fears in check. Or initiating the "exclusive" conversation in as casual and non-threatening a way as you can. Just be careful. My ex-wife used to go on poorly disguised fishing expeditions with me that usually ended up in arguments, because she really had decided deep down that I WAS cheating, when in fact I never did, and I was hurt and angered by the accusations. Conversations and communication are good and worth it. But we have so much swirl in our heads from years in the closet and working at relationships that ultimately were doomed, that we carry that into relationships that might have a chance.

I hope it all goes well with you two. If he's given you no reason to doubt him thus far, try now to give him any reason for HIM to doubt YOUR trust, Good luck! (*hug*)

 

Why is exclusivity so important to you at this point? I've found that exclusivity has become less important to me as I move further away from the land of heteronormativity.

 

Does this mean you consider yourself poly or okay with open relationships? Or non-monogamy? I'm just curious because it seems like an interesting point. I was actually sort of surprised seeing so many guys being into monogamy, as I too thought of it as a very heteronormative concept and I guess I figured the gay community was past all of that. But it just doesn't seem to be the case with most of the guys I've come across (especially younger guys).

As for your question Highlander, I think it's totally fair to ask him where he thinks your relationship is now. I wouldn't mention seeing his profile as being active on those apps, as that comes across as you questioning whether he's being honest with you. You could tell him that you've deleted all of your profiles, see if it prompts him to say that he will do the same, but mostly I think an open and honest conversation about what your relationship is at this point would be the best idea.

 

It means that I embrace the idea that relationships are not confined to a limited set of conventional possibilities in the gay world and that we can create unconventional relationships that meet our needs.

What is pertinent here though is getting clarification from Highlander2 on why he values exclusivity.

 

Maybe, like me, he values exclusivity because it's the kind of relationship that meets his emotional needs?

 

No you're not being overly sensitive, and you should not assume that he is being exclusive to you (or not exclusive) without him saying so (you're only guessing otherwise). So were I you I would ask him if he is looking for or seeing other guys since I saw he was online and hadn't changed his profile ... that's a sign he is still looking around. We set ourselves up for hurtful disappointment by ignoring information that goes against our unexpressed hopes and expectations. My policy when I was dating was to assume non-exclusivity until informed otherwise (and that of course left me the option to be non-exclusive if I wanted). Ask him in a matter-of-fact way ... no drama necessary.

 

To avoid further drama, I think it's better to be straightforward to him about this. I know that the word "exclusive" is a bit scary to some but if that's what you want then you have to tell him this. Straight to the point, "are we exclusive to each other or not?" Or say, "how do you feel to be exclusive?" You've got to receive a reply from him whether he's into exclusivity or not. So it's "yes" or "no." Now, if he says yes, you can take it as a face value. If he says, "no, I don't think I'm ready for that," then you are to decide if you are willing to continue dating him or not. The sooner you know this, the sooner you can be at ease and see what lies ahead of you. Good luck.

 

As a gay and married man in my late 40s, I recognize that I just don't have time left for any bullshit. I kept my secrets from my relationships (and myself) for over 30 years. I have resolved that my future relationships will have open and honest communication from start to finish. Nothing good has ever come to me by avoiding a conversation with anyone about anything. If you can't talk about this with him, then what are you doing? And what kind of relationship are you building with him if there are things that you are afraid to talk about with him? Is your relationship that fragile that asking him about this will potentially ruin the relationship?

Just some things to think about.

 

I'm not advocating or judging a particular choice when it comes to a monogamous or open relationship. My question was intended to clarify Highlander2's intent. My interpretation of post #1 was that he has a casual dating relationship with this guy and that they will be seeing each other more frequently based on H2's new work assignment. I did not get the sense this was a serious relationship yet. Now the communication medium of an anonymous web site is not perfect, so it's possible that I made a bad assumption.

I understand what happened in H2's last relationship, just keep in mind that two possible things are happening here. (1) You are really serious about this guy and want to take things to the next level or (2) You aren't that serious yet, but you don't want a repeat of what happened in your last relationship. These are two different scenarios. The former is healthy and the latter is more defensive and should be thought through carefully.

It's still not entirely clear to me which one applies here.

Personally I'd wait a little bit until you begin to see each other more frequently before broaching the exclusivity question, though I agree that it will be important to make sure you have a common understanding as things get more serious.

 

If that is an accurate description of what he said, I personally would take it as an indication that he is not adhering to the same standard you have set for yourself. He did not, after all, reply, "Me neither," but rather went on to rationalize why a man in a long-distance relationship might occasionally seek sex outside the relationship: "A man has needs." That may mean he's not as committed to the relationship as you are, but you won't know for sure unless you ask him directly. Then it's up to you as to whether you can accept as a partner a man who has an occasional fling on the side.

---------- Post added 20th Oct 2016 at 01:56 AM ----------

"Properly" is in the eye of the beholder. Saying he just makes do with his hand strikes me more as an attempt to make light of your concern without actually acknowledging what he gets up to. Again, you need to ask him directly.

 

Agree with this completely. You are already developing trust issues in your relationship. This needs to be addressed right away. If the idea of exclusivity scares him, you can still talk to him about it and maybe you need to slow down a bit. If bringing the issue up destroys the relationship then have you really lost anything?

As far as discussing the Apps...Well, I want to know what any guy I am intimate with has been up to. It is common sense and it is common decency to let your partners know your sexual history.

 

The thing I worry about is the self-fulfilling prophesy the OP is creating based on his previous relationships. He is looking for infidelity and other problems in the relationship before there's a mutually committed relationship, creating the trust issues. Then if things don't work out, he can blame the other person. This is not healthy.

It's a long distance relationship and based on what's been posted my guess is that his friend has a different view of the exclusivity question today. A view that I feel is reasonable given the circumstances.

The smart play is to wait until things get more serious before asking for exclusivity. If the OP raises exclusivity now it could go either way.

 

I think you need clarity about the status of your relationship Highlander and if that requires you to have a conversation, so be it. As long as you approach the conversation in the right sort of way and don't go into it with all guns blazing about the app activity, it should be fine.

It was some months into the relationship with my husband before we both agreed it was serious and we were definitely an item, but even in those early stages we made a decision not to 'play the field'. We established from the outset that we were both into monogamy and wanted something special with one other person, and it was upon that basis that we withdrew from dating and having sex with other people to give it the best chance. We didn't insist upon deleting profiles, because we had no idea in the beginning how things would turn out, but we did agree not to date or hook up while we were seeking to build something together.

I'm not using my example as some sort of gold standard, but I do place emphasis on our agreed position. If you want exclusivity, but haven't agreed upon it yet, you really need to have the conversation and set boundaries. If it transpires that he has dated other men in the past three months, you may need to accept that and set it aside.

Hope it turns out well for you.

 

Given this clarification, I think the casual "so are we exclusive?" question is not the way to go. You really want to confirm that he sees this as something that's more than casual, which would be the gist of the conversation that PatrickUK suggests.

 

I say if exclusivity is what you want, then that's what you want. Three months should be enough to find out if it's what he wants... Even with long distance... If the relationship is to remain long distance, then that is the parameters you work with ..l Long distance and exclusivity...

I won't apologize for wanting to be monogamous... How can I truly pay attention to someone in the moment and see if they are right for me, if I'm getting a text about a date next week? You could just go for broke and have a friend/catfish profile contact him online and chat him up...

Not legit but it works.