Walking into a wall

First of all you have nothing to be embarrassed about. How long or how you got in this rut doesn't matter; what matters is moving forward.

You have an opportunity to open and honest here with a friend. Everyone in the world has pain and internal battles especially those coming out so I guarantee you he has struggles too. He is out to you by accident right? If he's a good person and you are truly friends he'll embrace your story and stand by you. You can't control how others will take the news but usually its a good thing; especially a gay friend. I came out to my closest gay friend of 25 years this year. He is nothing but supportive and now is my biggest help.

In my mind I see you're already miserable over this so here is a chance to be open and authentic with someone with little risk. Losing his friendship would be tough but HE'S GAY. I think he'll get it and won't be hurt. If he reacts poorly he's not really there for the long haul.

Your age difference is not that big a deal. 30-40 is not a great difference. In fact I find often its the other way around; I tell guys I'm to old for them at their dismay. 10 years at your ages is not a big gap.

 

Hey, I'm glad you found the courage to come out to your brother. That's wonderful!

Onwards to your situation: don't beat yourself up over not telling Bob. I was the same way to coming out to my lesbian friends and I was mortified they would think I'm just a poser or a attention whore. I did it and they just looked at me like "uh you know we're gay so why did you sweat about us?" Retrospect I felt silly but understandably.

So take a deep breath. No really take one now. You should work on just coming out to him first. No need to complicate things and if you're ready you're ready. No amount of advice or self help books are going to make you it's your choice. Regardless we support those who come out and those who don't. Doesn't matter.

If you chose to come out to Bob then I believe he won't take it as creepy or weird. I think he will be incredibly understanding and offer support and advice. I'm sure someone did the same for him when he came out.

As for the being mad you didn't tell him sooner? It won't be on his mind I'm pretty sure. Lgbtq people are very understanding of individual process on accepting their sexuality.

Plus I heard a really good pun about it.

"Why havn't you come out sooner?"

"What is the great river in Egypt? "

"The Nile? "

"I was pretty deep in it"

"...ohhhhhh. "

Sorry thought some humor would help.

First, come out to him. Then all is well and some flirting begins bring up the feelings. If he says no then that's that. Just don't lose your mind over it. I spent years doing that and I regret it. I'd rather rip the band aide off you know?

Let us know how it goes. Were here for you!

 

Hey Underhill, welcome to EC!

I love it when the "lurkers" come into the sunlight, it confirms my belief that our discussions are having an impact far beyond our active membership.

I can understand your fears, they are real and they need to be respected.

Nevertheless, there is something you need to understand about those who are openly gay. As I have joined the LGBT community (and we are many!), and joined them in various group events, like Pride, or LGBT film festivals, I am often seized by the thought that each and every one of the people there have had to undergo the same struggle you (and we) are going through. Every one of us has had to face the truth about ourselves, we have all personally lived this often shattering experience intensely.

It may help if you put yourself in Bob's place for a bit. Indeed, who else would be better equipped to fully understand than someone who has gone through what you are going through now?

Life is too short to hesitate further. You may have found in Bob something special, are you prepared to let that go? If you are embarrassed, then share that feeling with him, if you are afraid, then tell him that too, but do come out to him, he will understand, more deeply than you can imagine, and if he feels the same way about you, then magic can happen.

There is no love without being vulnerable, and there is no love without surrendering who you think you are; the ego has a way of protecting itself, you may consider yourself shy and introverted, but so what? Does that mean you should not try? To what extent do you value your relationship with him? Or, put another way, how would you feel if you never took the chance? The greatest regrets people have on their deathbed are the chances and risks they didn't take...

Set yourself a deadline, like a specific day this week, and just do it. Don't overthink it, don't listen to your fears, just act and see what happens. Whether or not the feeling is reciprocated is secondary, you will feel better about yourself, and you will finally let go of the preconceptions you have about who you are.

 

Welcome!

I'm curious about Bob. Would you say Bob is proudly gay? Or openly even at this point? You said he was outed by accident, but then you also said he's opened your mind to the idea of being a happy gay man. Is that because he is what you would describe as a happy gay man? Do you guys ever have discussions about his sexuality?

The only risk I see in telling him is if he is still in a place of denial himself. If he refuses to acknowledge that he is gay, or expresses displeasure in his sexuality, then he could take you coming out to him in a bad way and give you the type of reaction that you are afraid of getting.

That said, if he is comfortable with being gay and open about it, then I believe there is little to no reason to fear him reacting negatively to you coming out to him. He may even be really touched if you tell him that knowing him is the reason you have the strength to start this coming out process. I wouldn't tell him that you have a crush on him, that could be too much information all at once, but opening up about your sexuality to him should be something he is okay with if he's accepting of his own sexuality already.

 

It sounds like you've mentally made Bob's possible reaction to your coming out a judgment about yourself, so that how he reacts will determine your feelings about yourself and will somehow limit your choices going forward. If I were in your situation I would leave aside for now the whole issue of coming out to Bob because it's too emotionally charged for you. Maybe you will come out in the future to him or maybe you won't; you can wait and see what feels comfortable and natural to you. Instead of being preoccupied with coming out to Bob, focus your efforts on exploring your own sexuality and making connections with other gay people. And since you're embarrassed about your lack of sexual experience go out and get some sexual experience in whatever form feels comfortable to you. If you need to make some "improvements" to make yourself more confident (and attractive to a wider range of people) then do those things. Forty is not too old to make up for lost time.

 

Hi Underhill,

If you've been reading the posts here for a while, then you already know all the things we're going to say to you.

The most important piece of advice I was given shortly after joining EC, and one that I took to heart, is that you are not in control of other people's reactions, nor are you responsible for them either.

You've no doubt read of my experiences in coming out, and I think you'll realize that most people who come out find acceptance on the other side. Not necessarily acceptance by everyone, but certainly most. Are there people who come out and receive negative reactions? Sure. But it's not the majority of reactions now in 2016.

You were born in the mid-70's. You and I grew up in the same time period, and the 80s was an awful time to come out of the closet, and so you did what I and countless others did then - we hid ourselves. Some of us just drifted along, some of us got married to opposite gender spouses and had kids. You are not alone.

It's hard to imagine that your best friend will not be supportive. As others have said here, he went through his own struggle and will likely understand your struggle as well. If he doesn't, then he's not really your best friend, is he?

Please re-read justaguyinsf's post. I don't agree with his opinion that you should stay closeted to Bob, because I think you should tell Bob. However, something he said is worth thinking about:

I think this is very true for you. You said in your post:

I think that maybe these things are actually how you feel about yourself, and that you are projecting onto Bob. Unless he's given you any reason to specifically think that he would think those things, this is really just you, and how you feel about you. Don't worry, it's normal to take what we think about ourselves and turn that into our fears of what other people are going to think. I did it too. Just realize that it's not real. Those thoughts are just your fears and your shame talking to you, that's all. Just let it go.

I certainly understand this. It does feel embarrassing to have to admit to others that you suck at being comfortable in your gay skin. After you see people's understanding and compassionate reactions, you'll stop being embarrassed soon enough, trust me.

The sooner you come out, the sooner you get to begin enjoying your new gay self. You can do it!

 

I like the one that I was so far in the closet for so long I should've found Narnia by now. :lol:

I agree that you need to come out to him. If there's anyone safe to come out to, it's other gay people. They won't be judgemental. Many will acknowledge how hard it is to come out. And if he was upset or annoyed at being outed on your game, he definitely knows the pain of coming out. Being outed royally sucks, and many of us know it.

 

This is absolutely true. I have a platonic gay best friend, and he has been invaluable to me in my coming out. I highly recommend telling Bob because I think he will be that for you.

 

I know things can be overwhelming when you are still coming to terms with your sexuality. There is an easy way to defeat the overwhelm - just push yourself to tell Bob that you are gay. This simple act of reaching out to Bob will help you in so many ways to cut through it all. You certainly want to prepare a script beforehand so that you have some idea of how you plan to approach the conversation. Don't think, just do it. You'll feel so much better and will gain a gay friend in the process.

 

Having someone (better yet, many someones) to talk to as you work through your coming out process is important. I didn't think it was at first, holding much of the same fear you have, but it's turned out that being able to talk about being gay and not suppressing those feelings is valuable in getting more comfortable with this new part of my identity at age 62.

Yes, the first conversations are likely to feel a bit awkward, especially when you're on the introvert end of the social scale. But I think you'll be pleasantly surprised how much of a "non event" your being gay is for most people. I've found it's either "oh, OK" or some positive and supportive response. As my son said to me, "Dad, it's 2016."

 

If that's the case, I'm on the "Go tell Bob!" bandwagon! It sounds like he will be accepting and maybe even quite helpful to you. And it could even make your friendship stronger!

 

I think Bob's ears are buzzing furiously!

 

I'm with gw; its in the air!