Hi all! Like many of you I found myself writing here in search of a bit of understanding and help. I promise not to ramble too much and keep it short. The drama of the changes that happened inside me over the last 2 years, I started feeling it lately in such an acute and overwhelming manner. I'm in my early 30's, although inside and outside (thank goodness) I'm still a kid. Been married for over 10 years now. My half has been incredibly supportive with my own gender exploring, so much so that I became virtually dependent on her for emotional support. Thing is she is a tough cookie, but with all my insecurities and depression and beeing so confused sometimes, i managed to put so much strain on both of us. I've sought support outside (bear in mind that I've always been an introvert soul so it took me a while to accept that i really needed outside help). And yes, talking helped... helped release some of the accumulated drama. And it even got me on the road to seeking hormone treatment, a road I've considered closed to me from the get-go because...to me...it felt too late. But lately, this feeling of being lost and helpless has become so acute and so strong...on top of the bigotry and prejudice I try to ignore every day. I am in this place where I start crying out of nowhere and I feel like a weight chained on my beloved neck. With all of the support she's given me, it makes me feel like I'm dragging her down with me. And I can't leave her. She is my heart and I love this girl more than my life. She stood by me when my friends became silent and dissapeared. She stood by me when I was in the blackest abyss and did not leave me when she had every reason to do it. So when I imagine what she wants from life and what I can offer her - a pathetic, currently jobless husband that 6 days a week believes he is a girl and acts accordanlty... She also wants a child with me. What will our child think of his or her father? So you see, the only thought in my mind right now is how I can make it up to her, for all the joy and love and support she brought into my life and to end this unrelentless despair that took residence in me. And i want to offer her the future she dreams of, a happy family. Yes, I'm in that place where i consider removing myself entirely from existence. It's the only way I can see her getting over this whole thing and hopefully find someone who will make her trully happy. But if you, genderfluids and transpeople out there, walked in similar shoes and found a way to cope with it and bring joy into the lives of your spouses, children and family please, I need your advice - :goodevil: -
I don't have any first hand experience for advice, but many people have the same feelings as you and, even through a lot of turbulence, are now very happy. Hopefully others comment here. I wonder if you should post this in the gender forum. It may get more responses. Either way, dont think about taking yourself out of existence. That is so not the answer to this. Keep going. Many of us have been through these questioning/break down stages. You just have to keep going and keep understanding yourself.
