I feel like a douchebag coming out to wife

Hi,

Welcome to EC :welcome: a supportive community for people who are coming out.

Based on what you wrote, I'm assuming that you are gay and there's really no question about your sexuality. Your biggest concerns are the guilt and seeing the kids.

Coming out to our wives is one of the hardest conversations we'll have in our life times as gay men in a mixed-orientation marriage. You need to do this for your own happiness. Once you work through all of this, your life will be much better as you begin to live authentically as a gay man. You will experience significant short-term emotional pain in getting there. You are going to need to face the music of your wife's reaction. My advice is to prepare for this as best you can and anticipate her reaction and give some thought to your responses. Having gone through this myself, my best advice is to just get on with it and do what you need to do. Of course you'll want to be as empathetic and understanding as possible in the process, but feeling guilty or selfish over the conversation or her reaction won't help you or your wife.

You probably learned growing up that being gay is wrong or evil from family, church, friends, or society. It's taken you time to reverse this message and accept yourself for who you are. It's not selfish in a bad way for you to live your life authentically. You are being assertive and fighting for what you truly want and value!

The other issue you allude to is the possibility of your wife's taking the kids across the country. You need to really think about what is important to you and prepare accordingly. Are you OK with this if she does this? Do you want to be a co-parent? Once you gain clarity on what you want, I would encourage you to consult with a divorce attorney so that you can educate yourself about the legal issues involved and put a plan in place.

Here is a blog I put together than might help you prepare to come out ...

Preparing to come out to your spouse as gay ​

If you prepare and persist, you will come out of this a much better and happier person!

HTH,
SF

 

Hey there and welcome justrob!

I understand how you feel right now, but it has to be done, there's no avoiding it.

Have you considered the possibility that she knows you are gay? It sounds to me that she possibly has known or suspected and is in denial/trying to "convert" you back. Either case, it's best for you to let her know as soon as possible. Have you decided when to tell her yet? Don't wait till the 10 year anniversary, don't wait after. She will look back and think that everything you did was a lie and it will crush her more. You may think letting her have her 10 year anniversary is the least you can do for her, but that may backfire. You'll be put through hell the entire anniversary...

Remember, you're not a douchebag coming out to her. You're doing her and yourself a favor by doing so. It may seem hard and impossible right now, but when it's finally done, you will feel as if the weight of the world has been lifted off your shoulders. The outcome may not be pretty, but just know that you're headed in the right direction, and the future can only get better. Do keep in touch with your children though.

 

It's good you are thinking about all of the possible outcomes, but no matter which one happens it is going to be rough and I think you are very wise to hesitate from taking this leap. Have you tried everything to save your marriage? You may also wish to gather as much information as you can about what life is like for gay men ... it sounds like you may be idealizing it. Have you considered that you might not in fact find another partner soon or perhaps ever? Feeling like a douchebag may be a relatively smaller issue than others you are facing.

 

I'll let the previous poster elaborate on why he feels that you are idealizing life as a gay man. He's entitled to his opinion; however, as someone who has made this transition successfully, I hope you may open yourself to the possibility that he is offering his perspective as someone who is still working through his transition. I can understand this, because there will be many challenges along the way as you navigate this transition. The possibility of an authentic life can seem like an ideal until you get there. I can assure you that if you identify as gay, you will be much happier living authentically as a gay man. This is not idealizing, this is accepting that love is love and much better when aligned with your true sexual orientation. I'm so much happier today as a gay man than I was stuck living in a faux lifestyle influenced heavily by childhood messages that being gay is wrong. I'm out and proud because of this site, and you too will get there if you believe ride:

 

I hear you justrob and feel for you and your situation. (I just noticed you are in SF as am I.) I was married for nine years and went through a divorce in SF Family Court that lasted for 10 years because my wife was really angry at me and threatened to remove our daughter from the state, etc. (Btw, the good family law attorneys in SF are charging I would guess about $500 per hour; I incurred $50,000+ in attorneys fees.) My divorce was prompted by issues other than my being attracted to guy (have never come out to her), but it was probably something that was in the mix that made the relationship become so toxic. Being in SF is to your advantage if you come out since it's obviously a gay-friendly place and the court staff have seen a lot of people in your situation. Not sure how it is in the suburbs if that's where you live.

Since the consequences of coming out in your situation can be very serious, and it is possible that your marriage is in a slump ("the seven-year itch") for reasons that include factors other than your sexuality, and there must have been something between you and your wife to have gotten this far I always think it is worth considering if you can save the marriage. In my particular situation things got so bad that I knew it was over, but had they not gotten that bad I would probably have stayed married.

I think you're right that the point of this site is to convince people that they will be happier coming out. I think whether that is true depends on many factors, including how important you think it is to make a public declaration about your sexuality and whether you need to do that to be your "true" self. I am not as convinced as others that these are more important than losing a family to divorce.

As for life as a gay man, I am attracted to masculine, mainstream (for lack of a better word), professional type guys. My experience has been that these guys are very hard to find and connect with. I think this is because the gay-male community emphasizes the more radical or outre elements (e.g., drag shows, mocking religion) and despite, all of the push for gay marriage, promiscuity (which I don't agree with, but that's another story). Additionally, it is my experience that there is a high level of mistrust, pain, and loneliness among gay men (Google whether gay men are their own worst enemies and you'll see some others who think this way). I think most gay men end up single for most of their lives, although they have a lot of friends (with whom they sometimes have sex) and tend to stick to their own crowd (no women allowed) at least in SF. That is not the life I pictured for myself, but I think it is the norm unfortunately. Of course, your experience and expectations would likely vary from mine. Anyhow, hopefully that is of some value to you.

 

Hi justrob.

I sympathize deeply with your situation, particularly the guilt you feel about leaving your wife to fend for herself with the kids, while you go explore your gayness.

One thing I would strongly suggest is to think through the logistical and financial aspects of a separation/divorce before telling her anything. Make a plan that is feasible and takes into account everyone's best interests. Be as generous as possible in taking care of your family.

This will help you, too, as you will feel more confident telling her the news if you've got a plan in place.

I would also advise you to try to tell someone else first, ideally someone who knows you both so you can vent a bit and get an outside perspective.

As for Justaguy's comments, well, it's true that trying to live a gay life is no guarantee for happiness, and many of the stereotypes are at least partially true. But I don't think it's even about that.

It's about being honest -- with yourself and your wife and kids, no matter how painful. Right now you are living a lie, and that slowly destroys you psychologically and emotionally. You seem certain that you're gay, so you owe it to yourself and those around you to come out. Then you get to take your chances with life, just like everyone else.

The best advice I can give you, from my own experience, is to find a way to suspend your guilt, which will be enormous. Try to think of this revelation as a fact that is just an act of nature or something, like a tornado that wiped out your house, and now you both have to deal with it. If you believe are ruining the lives of everyone you love, it's going to be very hard to move forward.

Good luck, and keep posting.

 

Hey justrob, for what it's worth I feel your struggle. Whatever you choose to do, just make sure you do it with as much good information, clear thinking, and emotional support as possible. You might want to check out the LGBT Center in SF for support groups or the Pacific Center in Berkeley, which also has groups with guys who are struggling with the same issues as you.

 

Hi Rob,

You've been getting lots of good advice here. I too share many of the same experiences as you.

I came out to my wife in mid-June. Like you, I was experiencing tremendous guilt for what I had done, that I had ignored and denied my homosexual desires and feelings, and allowed myself to marry a woman I didn't really love - at least not in the way that I needed to love her as her husband, and not in the way that she needed me to love her as my wife and life partner. Deep down I knew that I was really gay, even though I couldn't admit it, even though I couldn't even say the words "I'm gay" and even though I was capable of compartmentalizing my feelings.

I had a lot of guilt also for my denial. A lot of people think that denial means that you're not aware of being gay when you're in denial. The truth for me was that while in denial I still knew deep down that I was gay because I fantasized about guys when I masturbated, I downloaded and watched gay porn, I checked out guys that I saw and checked out their bulges, I daydreamed about kissing a beautiful man, and I longed for a gay life. I was able to compartmentalize all of that and ignore its importance, and I believed that it was my lifelong secret that would go with me to the grave.

It would help you to move forward if you could forgive yourself. That won't happen quickly or easily, but hopefully you can reach that point soon. It helps in the coming out process if you can leave behind your shame, guilt and fear. Coming out is scary enough without those negative emotions weighing you down. There are multiple aspects of shame, such as shame for being gay, shame for hiding your sexuality, shame for letting others down, shame for deceiving your wife, shame for getting married when you knew or should have known you are gay. Your guilt is over much of the same issues as shame, plus guilt for coming out, guilt for shaking up your kids' lives, and guilt for doing all of this because you long to be with a man. One of the more difficult things I had to let go of was my guilt for doing all of this because I need sex with a guy. It somehow always comes down to that.

If you still harbor the guilt and shame, you might want to work on those before deciding to come out. While not everyone is able or willing to wait until then, I can only tell you that it was extremely helpful to me in my coming out.

Please continue to read and share yourself with us here on EC. It really does help to connect with others who share your journey.

Take care. ride:

 

Theres absolutely no reason why your wife wont be able to move on and get a partner herself in the future. Just because a woman is a bit older, had 3 kids etc and her body isnt like a supermodels wont exclude her from dating.
Also if she wants to she can go back to college and get a job etc and your children could go to state school. Shes not as stuck as you portray her to be,yes it will be hard for her but she will carve a new life out for herself. Shes not totally finished.
I think as well that she will know about your sexuality, I've only had 1 proper boyfriend and he knew about me and he was bi and I also had that feeling about him before we discussed things.Its like a sixth sence I think,you just know.
I also think your better off telling her now as opposed to further down the line like others have said and you will be able to sort things out regarding the children I'm sure.Even if she does move back home, you say your in a good job so you could afford to fly to see them.

 

First, I think its bullshit that anyone should have to feel like a douchebag for coming out (although I do understand not wanting to hurt those around us). If anything, that should go for someone who chooses not to act when they know the truth. The fact of the matter is that you have a smaller dating pool, are a member of an oppressed group, and have had to put up a charade, whereas she could at least say she was attracted to you, if not still.

Also, I'm not sure how healthy it would be to stick with someone for financial reasons alone. It already sounds like an unhealthy relationship, so maybe a split would be beneficial for both of you? I've noticed many LGBT folk let themselves get taken advantage of when in heterosexual relationships. I've heard some nasty stories after friends and acquaintances have come out to partners...

Many have even said they understand their exes better and get along like never before after coming out. They can view the other for who they are, instead of what they "should" be. If you were living in Saudi Arabia, my advice would be very different, but if and when you do make that leap, you should be in a decent position to start writing your own story.

 

Can you move back to where she has the support she will need? Could you find employment there? One way to show that you care about her and your children is to prioritize some of her needs moving forward.

In California, it is difficult for one parent to move the children out of state but it isn't difficult for them to relocate to a different part of CA, which given the size of the state is similar to be in another state anyway.

And while you say you are willing to live out of a van, I doubt you mean it. Plus, when you get into a serious relationship, you may find that your new partner resents the non-court ordered assistance you are giving your wife and kids. (It happens, probably more than you realize.)

 

The living out of a van is just an analogy of course. I realized that it seems premature to bring up future partners, but I work in family law and can't tell you how many times I see issues like the one I described, in second marriages.

No matter how angry she may get, and she likely will get angry, if you can find it in your soul to act from a place of compassion, it will do both of you good.

I don't believe that it is necessary to have a partner to be happy, but if you believe what you said about your wife being lonely, the kind thing to do is to let her move where she has support and family. To force her to stay where she has no support system, may be the height of cruelty. Just something to think about.

In the meantime, encourage her to do what she needs to to feel more secure. Getting her masters (with marital assets), consulting a nutritionist and/or trainer to get more fit (if she wants to) and developing interests of her own (while you watch the children.)

Remember you clearly feel you are moving towards something --- she won't feel the same way about her situation.

 

Guilt is a bitch you say it's a different scenario but the end result is the same.
Well done on coming out.
The next 12 months will likely be some of the roughest of your life but you will come through it lean on the forum for support