Well, it's happened again, I've fallen for another straight guy and I'm in so much pain. I've written before about this happening, it happens all the time. First, I'm still VERY much in the closet. I've moved and in a new working environment. The newness of everything satisfied me for a long time, but as I got lonely, I reached out to people to become friends. This guy, I reached out TRULY just to be friends, then, there was something about him that made me fall for him big time. I didn't even find him that attractive or anything, I just really just wanted a friend. But now, I think he's such a handsome guy and I can't stop thinking about him. We've spent few evenings together where he stayed at my house until very late and found ourselves sitting very close to one another throughout our 'hang'. He genuinely seems like he likes hanging out with me. And of course, being the ridiculous person that I am, my imagination runs wild, thinks that there is something there, and get really sad and depressed when he doesn't call to hang out or I find out that he is hanging out with others and not having invited me. This is just an endless cycle and I'm living in constant state of heartache. I've been reading articles on how to get over a crush, basically, it suggests that I remove him out of my life and move on get real...which, I tend to agree, but I just miss him tremendously and every time I get a text message, my heart stops because I think it's from him asking to 'hang out'. Not really asking a question or anything, just wanted to vent...was hoping that this journaling would help me feel a little better, but the heart still aches. I've been walking around feeling like my life is one big punishment - why was I born gay.
I'm not positive, but I really think those of us who are still in the closet are repeat offenders for this kind of heartache. I know I relate totally with your feelings, actions and results your getting. Throughout my life I've endured needless heartache with little reciprocation. For me it's because I am unwilling to, for instance, open an online dating profile because then it would be too real and it wouldn't be fair to those interested in dating me because I'm not out. In the meantime I am dating and falling in love under society's radar. And since this facet of my life is subverted, the heart and pursuit of a relationship can get out of sync. I think this is the issue. To meet someone who is out, and ready to live out to everyone, is too much for me even though this would eliminate the heartache of falling for someone straight. But I am fully aware that if I fall in love and that person reciprocates, it won't matter to me anymore. Very odd quirk in my philosophy on building a romantic relationship. Perhaps it would be easier to explain to everyone "well I fell in love, it just happened to be with a woman"...rather than "I'm gay and going after it!" But, there are pitfalls aplenty when they do reciprocate, esp if they are married. Which offers cover with like-minded approach, but then how far do you take it? And if they leave, then what? Or if they stay, then what? Relationships are complicated enough minus the whole being gay. The key I would tend to think, is to become comfortable with who you are; enough to be comfortable with people knowing who you are so you then have the freedom to pursue the kind of man/relationship you want. Much more healthy, but not sure how easy...
I found myself in a similar situation when I was in the closet. I had some male friends, felt growing sexual desire and wanted more. I can now look back on this and realize that I was setting myself up for disappointment and heartache because I was going after guys who weren't available to me. The best remedy is to come out such that you can start dating other gay men. Trust me, it's much more fulfilling to pursue guys who can reciprocate our feelings and advances.
This is a critical point, "disappointment and heartache". Because person x (you, me, all us gay guys) are setting yourself up for "EMOTIONAL PAIN" which comes with all it's baggage - I'm no good, I cant cant find love, I'm worthless, on and on and on. By being on the same page with someone, in this case, two gay people knowing the other is gay, an emotional / social barrier is removed. Good post SiennaFire, thanks.
