in a dark place after coming out

I agree with you. It seems very easy to feel as tho we have wasted a good chunk of life by being afraid and in the closet. I have no advice of any kind because I actually feel all those things now too.

 

These are reasonable fears. A lack of self-acceptance and staying in the closet has robbed us of the "dating" experiences that young straight men and women have. That's where they learned to do the dating thing. You and I missed those rituals in our sexuality because they only really existed for straight people. Things like school dances, proms, parties, etc. are all designed for this purpose - to teach people how to date. Coming out for me at 47 years old is just like putting me back to where I was 30 years ago. So, it's totally normal that you feel this way, and you have the same fears as any first-time dater will have. What if I'm not good enough? What if I'm too inexperienced and screw this up? What if I never find anyone? What if.... There's too many what if's.

Turn this around in your head and start thinking of it like this:

What if I try sex with a woman and I totally get off and have a mind-blowing orgasm with her and realize what I've been missing all this time?

What if I meet a woman who is just drop-dead gorgeous to me, and she gives me that smile that makes me just melt?

What if I kiss a woman and I just can't help but utter a soft little moan?

What if I meet a woman who just re-defines for me what a relationship could be like and find passion and love like I've never felt before?

The questions you ask yourself along this journey can give you hope, or crush your spirit. You get to choose which questions you ask yourself. Where will you go in your mind? Which set of questions would you rather think about?

Your fears can also blind you to other possibilities. Your quote above, for example, limits your choice to only those outcomes. Are there no other possible outcomes? You ask which is worse? For me, the worst thing would be staying in the closet and never truly being happy.

You have a long life ahead of you. You will find someone to love who loves you back. Your inexperience at being gay will be but a minor blip in the many years of your future. You'll look back on this short time and laugh with your wife about it. All of it really can be yours if you let it.

Take care. ride:

 

Iamgay47, I love your advice! And, actually, it also scares the crap out of me... I have never felt the way that you are talking about in your positive 'what if's' with a man... the idea of having all this blossom one day with a woman is truly exciting and inspirational. Thanks.

 

My pleasure. Sometimes a little perspective helps.

 

You're in a very typical stage of coming out. I went through it, too. Especially after the woman who I was dating while coming out dumped me. Then I didn't have any lesbian friends to identify with or understand me, either.

Find your group and build your support in other lesbian friends. They'll help you understand the feelings and get through. I think it took a good solid 2 months to be completely past that stage, but it had good spots in there, too.

 

worndown89: we are in the same boat. I posted something very similar a few weeks ago in this forum. I think that's why we both joined EC, right? For support, reassurance and some sort of connection to people who feel the same way as we do. I feel like I'm so back and forth in my thoughts from day to day, hour to hour or even minute to minute. It's from, "okay, maybe I won't die alone after all like I always assumed I would" to "oh my God, I think I waited too long. It's too late for me." I even know what you mean when you say it literally feels like you can't breathe.

I'm sure this isn't making you feel any better but, trust me, you aren't alone in feeling the way you do. Even reading some of the responses in this thread is nice; people in EC are very supportive. We both missed out on the early stages of dating so, there must be others like us. Here's to hoping that we find people who we love and love us back, despite our lack of experience. From what I'm reading/hearing, we aren't the only ones who have come out late in life!

Good luck on your journey!

 

Hey guys im in my early 30's and feel a lot of the above! So glad to hear im not the only one going through similar feelings. Sometimes it feels as though life just stops and concentrates on that one thing! I was getting anxiety about it and everything, I know everything will be fine, it just feels so hectic going through it all even when your older!

 

I think it's challenging coming out because in addition to the immediate anxiety of telling people and making a stand for yourself, you also have to get new navigational bearings in life. Coming out gives you so much freedom, but that freedom can be overwhelming when there aren't any "scripts" to follow.

Along with coming out you need to love yourself and be secure in who you are all around. That assurance is how you will create your own life as an out individual. Life will resemble a construction zone for a while, but I think it's worth it. Along the way prepare to be somewhat confused, lonely, and despairing at times. These feelings are normal at this stage, and I liken these feelings to "writer's block" when you literally have your whole out life in front of you, waiting to be created.

One of my favorite authors on coming out is Joe Kort. He's written a number of books on the struggle for authenticity and how we can care for ourselves as we create our new lives out of the closet. I would highly recommend looking at his books.

 

I can relate to so many of the things you've mentioned. The fear, the anxiety, the doubts. But it's great that you came out. It's like being born again,i guess. We both need to learn and unlearn and just accept it all with belief and hope. Sending you safe hugs and best wishes.