My husband and I have been researching open marriages, and we are dismayed by the statistics for situations where women are the ones who are bisexual. It seems to be the case that men who are married to women are able to have occasional physical intimacy with men and still remain emotionally attached to their wives. Women, however, tend to fall in love with other women and end up leaving their husbands. Is this your experience? I've mostly just heard from men on here who've been able to make things work in an open situation. I'm just wondering if there are any women who've been able to partition their love in a way that they can stay happily with their husbands. Thanks
I honestly think most of the reasons behind this have to do with the men involved. A lot of men who encourage open relationships with bisexual partners tend to have sexist and homophobic views. They think they should be be allowed to have sex with other women, while the women they're with are controlled. The bi women are told they can't have sex with other men (if they WANT to, this isn't relevant if both agree to this) despite the fact the husband gets to sleep with women. And sometimes the husbands' also monitor the wives' female partners (such as saying he has to be involved with them through threesomes or watching). Of course, if you don't mind any of these things, It's irrelevant. I'm just saying that some of the other bi women in the world end up feeling controlled by these rules that being with a woman in the long run feels more equal and less constraining. In comparison, straight women do not impose such strict rules on curious bi men, so bi men feel less likely to rebel against their partners.
Hey nbd. I am bisexual, married to a loving husband, and in a loving relationship with a woman. We don't consider ours an open marriage...the term non-monogamous fits us well. Everyone is committed to creating and keeping that balance of which you speak --- and while we do experience challenges, we also and more importantly have found that me loving a woman has not diminished my love for my husband in any way or his for me. I wouldn't define my love as being partitioned. My love for each of my partners is unique, and rather than my love for one person diminishing or threatening my love for the other, it enhances it. Key components that I believe play a role in helping us make this work: everyone knows about everyone, we share honestly and openly, we place a priority on ensuring everyone's needs are respected, we proceed slowly to allow ourselves time to process each step, we care deeply about the other person's partner feeling secure and loved, and we respect boundaries and concerns that have been expressed. I think the fact you and your husband are exploring the idea of this together is really promising. It's the *together* part that really counts. Have you read Opening Up by Tristan Taoromino? We found that reading it together helped my husband and I to talk more productively about both of our needs. It has helped shape our understanding of how to engage in an unexpectedly new and rich kind of togetherness. Hope this brings you some hope.
I know a lot of bi women, including myself, in very happy long term relationships with men and I never heard of this happening. I suppose it makes some sense, but it would depend on the dynamics and structure (exactly how it is "open" and why) as well as other factors. My situation is a bit different because I was a lesbian before before getting involved with men. I had already worked out my interests in women and what I wanted to do about that. Even so, there are plenty of women who discovered women later and made it work.
In response to Chloe's comment that she hasn't heard of this happening: My husband has been doing his research on a straight spouse website, and from what he reads there's an overwhelming suggestion that straight spouses accept that the straight relationship is pretty much doomed. I am hopeful that we can save our relationship by either: a) Opening the marriage so that I can become a part of the LGBT community (through friendships, volunteering, progressively increasing "outing" as I am comfortable) and potentially have a female partner. In this situation, we work to maintain the primary importance of our family unit and continue/improve intimacy with each other through ongoing therapy. b) Work through couples therapy/sex therapy to work through our intimacy problems, but keeping the marriage closed while healing our sex life. So, I'm in a similar situation to my husband when it comes to online support. Here on EC, it seems like the support is most focused on the closeted person coming out and living an authentic life. Choice (b) above is not seen as viable in the long term. (Honestly I don't see it as viable either, but I am going into therapy with the openness that maybe this will change my mind.) In response to wanderingmind, I am very hopeful by the fact that we are so open with each other and learning together. However, it has been very emotionally difficult for both of us. We are both depressed, frequently in tears, feeling hopeless. Angry with each other. Passive aggressive. All this along with our Perfect Family Life is extremely taxing. We are so perfect with our kids and on the outside that the contrast is tearing us apart.
Just wanted to mention that it was just my personal observation based on the types of people I know. I've been in some bad relationships involving three people, either two or three women, but the problems weren't what was described here. I hope you beat the odds. You seem like you have the qualities to do that.
Well, I'm a queer poly in a female body and, I've been in an open marriage for 14 years, happily. It is possible but, you both have to be honest, open and safe about it. No secrets, no lies, no hiding anyone. It is a bit strange feeling at first to have a spouse, a boyfriend and, a girlfriend and, maybe a couple of friends with benefits too but, you can do it. The key is that both of you have to KNOW that you can love more than one person and, not be taking anything away form anyone involved and, that sex does not equal love. It can be making love or, it can just be having sex. It takes a strong commitment but, not such a strong sex life together for it to work. My daughter is also in a menage et' toi with a man and a woman and, has been for 12 years so, yes those kinds of things can work.
I am bi and married to a man. He first suggested an open relationship several years ago, and to his terms and conditions only. Opening up our marriage where only one sets the conditions and restrictions does strain the marriage, I have tried to keep the communication line open and make sure that I am heard as well. But it seems impossible at the moment as he is still transitioning from being a emotional/mental abuser to being a loving and understanding husband. We are working through the many issues and it will take a lot of time and effort to truly be an open relationship. He needs to be in control, and the thought of his wife with another woman without him doesn't sit well with him but he has no problem being involved with another woman without me. But I am committed to my husband and remain hopeful that one day I will meet the right woman. . . Living in an isolated community with limited therapy recourses, it is going to be a long time before any positive change occurs.
Sounds sexist and patriarchal. These are the main reasons why open marriages with bi women and straight men can sometimes be problematic- the husband controls everything. That was my main point of why these relationships are sometimes doomed to failure. Please try to find therapy/help if you can. You do not sound happy.
