I probably have never felt so lost, ever, and it is getting worse slowly but surely. Every single minute of the day I have my gears spinning, in circles, because anything I ask myself has no answer. Ever since I met her (a while ago), nothing is real. Nothing at all. All ideas, perceptions, expectations regarding life's partner/companion/husband/wife relationship have Turned 180. Now I just want to type all of this and hope it gets someone's thoughts/advices/ acknowledgement that someone understands me.. I don't cry but really, really want to, all - the - time. I do run a tear or two when thinking " what if none of this ever happens?" Yes I love my husband but now I want my future, rest of my life, getting old( whatever ) to be with her or someone like her ( although there is no one like her that I know of). Ultimately it is the idea of her, not real her, since I've never dated her. It's been going through my mind for months, and it's been So difficult to hide it every day and night. I see online lesbian couple photos and pause if one remotely looks like her and I. There are many old songs that I never knew the meaning of till now. Aside from her specifically, I now notice every single masculine possibly queer woman and follow her with side vision to see if she pays any attention ( usually not ). I envy their freedom of masculinity and possible queerness. I am desperately ok to admit anything that I may be. I don't want a man at all, anymore; This is a shock to my system, since I've always been interested in men only. It took me a while to dig this up from my memory: when I was very young in away camp, I had a short haircut. Before the dance event this beautiful girl asked me to dance with her at the party to pretend that I am a boy, so that other boys get jealous. This was maybe 2-3 grade. I agreed and to my surprise I enjoyed that so much!!! It was so exciting to go along with the plan and her imagination! I did not want to come out of that role by event's end. This is the only time I remember to do something outside my hetero role. Like I said, been only with men, lived only to fall in love and to marry a man, to grow old with a man. Back to my situation. What do I do? I know, this may be bits and pieces, sorry.. I feel like I am in bits and pieces myself.
Hi Orchidea, Quick background on me - bi, married, in closet. So my God do I hear what you're saying. Though to be honest you seem to be gone off guys entirely? Can I ask how you got to be with your husband? You must have loved him when you got married or at least thought you did? I suppose right now with the feelings your having that's not really a question that's gonna change anything. You are seriously into girls and sounds like you seriously want to do something about it. I suppose the real question is are you gonna stay with your husband or leave him and explore that other side of you. That sounds so blunt - sorry. That just kind of is the two options though, other than you cheat on him but I don't think that's a decent option. Have you kids? Do you want to take steps to do something or are you just trying to sort your head out. It's impossible to live with your head obsessing about someone like that. It just consumes you and u wish u could just stop thinking about them but you can't. I feel so sorry for you because that's such a tough decision to be in. Fill us in a bit more about what you feel you want to do in the immediate future and we can talk about it and see what we can come up with. Your husband is a huge part of this though - his feelings and what's going to happen him are obviously so important too. I know you're not interested in him anymore but I presume you still care about him? Sure let us know more and talk soon!
I remember that time for me. I was a lot younger but it wasn't easy accepting that I'm queer. I mean even lesbian or transgender would have been easier but a female leaning with a very masculine side and, not fully identifying as either, or identifying as a bit of both, whatever, yeah that's tough. I am married to a cisgender man but, it's an open marriage and we have separate bedrooms. We love each other as dear friends, life partners but that's as far as it goes. I started out thinking I was Lesbian so, was with a woman first but, after a while I figure out that I don't care what body the person happens to be in, it's the person I love, not the body. I also figured out that I can love more than one person at a time. It took me years to get my head around who I really was but, once I got it, I sought out relationships that worked for who I am, and, it isn't as tough as it seemed at first. Just know that it does get better and, easier as you learn who you are and, decide on a plan to be that person.
Hi Keith, yes, in the same boat. It is not easy at all.. I don't know if I've gone off of guys entirely. Heck if my orientation flipped so abruptly I don't trust my current orientation as permanent. Yes, there is just no trust into this situation. I am still acceptably attracted to my husband but not the Idea of being attracted to him or any male. At the same time I want her and get jealous of other women who are in a seemingly committed same sex relationship. You see, I am going in circles.. I am looking for a fix/solution as I am just not feeling ground under my feet. We have kids and I still care about him, although my mind is absent many times. We went through a lot regarding this when I told him last year I was attracted to her. He was furious and mistreated me and I chose to stay, put things behind and have everything as it was before. So if I bring it up to him again, I'd better be ready 100% to divorce. I feel like there is no win situation, I just have to pick the best out of the worst. Don't know what she is thinking now, but I know for sure if she was a in love with me same way, I'd be able to tell. As for my feelings, I doubt going year and a half with this is just a mind fling.. ---------- Post added 25th Oct 2016 at 10:42 AM ---------- Hi DaFriend, it is a long process (as I am discovering), and maybe it will take a lot longer than couple years to figure this out.. I am just going through flood of internal emotions constantly, that turn into large wave once in a while. Thinking outside the box really helped you, so is the flexibility of your spouse. I wonder if I am making my life more difficult, but open marriage is not going to make me happy.. If I have someone, it is only them I'll be with. I realize there is contradiction to this since I want her/woman relationship and I am married. That part is really difficult to process. My other issue is I tend to be proactive only if there is clear evidence that is somewhat consistent. If there is no definite conclusion, then procrastinating.
Hey Orchidea, in your perfect world where there is no right or wrong and no consequences, are you wishing you could stay with your husband and keep your family unit together in addition to having a female lover? Are you wishing she (the woman you've fallen in love with) would come to you, tell you she wants to work on a relationship with you/date you/get serious about you and if so, would this give you what you need to leave a married life? Are you longing for female romantic companionship and the freedom to explore this? What would you be doing right now - what steps would you take to fulfill your longing - if you were not married? Thought maybe some of these questions might help to sort your thoughts out a bit more... On a personal note, if you would like to share it, have you told her of your feelings for her? And do you have any close friends that you hang out sometimes or spend time with? ---------- Post added 25th Oct 2016 at 07:10 PM ---------- Or, are you just wanting the repetitive thoughts of her to go away so you can get on with you life with your husband?
All the right questions 1.In the world with no consequences it won't be ok to have family and be with her. 2. Can't answer this one 3. Yes 4. I would probably do everything to get her attention and do nice things for her, or at least communicate with her to get to know her and have her get to know me and hope she will become a close friend at least. I would open up about my questioning to her as I suspect she may understand me. I would probably attend lesbian meet ups. Maybe wear a plaid shirt and jeans with no make up once in a while can't s now cause I feel the world is watching me including my spouse. 5. I told her about 'being attracted to her', not about feelings, a while back when this fallout happened with my husband. She took it ok, told me she has a boyfriend. I have a good intuition usually on what is true or not and still feel like that was half the truth at most. Since then it has been mutual ignoring mostly. There were a week or two not long ago where her and I would exchange genuine smiles but then it stopped abruptly. I have a feeling that happened after I chatted with my other friend for at least half hour in front of her and then my friend and I exchanged friendly bye bye kiss. After that all went back to usual mutual ignore. 6. Yes I do have a few, but these friendships are based on raising kids, being moms. I would tell everything to one of them, but never about my questioning or my feelings for this woman. I would open up to everyone if my situation was different in many ways. ---------- Post added 25th Oct 2016 at 09:32 PM ---------- Came across this from Portia do Rossi - maybe you have read this one: "My feelings for Ellen overrode all of my fear about being out as a lesbian. I had to be with her, and I just figured I'd deal with the other stuff later." Of course, our situations are a lot more complex..
Hi again Orchidea123, Think we really are in the same boat. I've kids too and of course they're my world. I always had feelings towards guys but not on the level I've had over the last year or so. I've no idea why it's ramped up out of nowhere. I used to find attraction was about equal either way but lately it's way more towards guys. And like you if I were gay or trans I think it would be easier to just come out and get on with it. I think if I told my wife at best it would be terrible and at worst divorce. But back to you! First of all I think that was so brave of you to tell your husband. Ok it didn't go well but at least now you know where you stand. I'm just going to be really honest with you about this next part though. This girl you like? There doesn't seem to be any guarantee what you're feeling is mutual? I wouldn't do anything on the basis of your hopes with her. There's every chance that she may not be interested and then what happens... being bi is so complicated. It's a nightmare. Because in an ideal world I'd be married to my wife and have my kids and have a boyfriend or husband too. But that's never going to happen because society and people don't work like that. One thing I would say though is if you have a friend you tell everything - tell them about it. It'll feel so much better being able to discuss it with someone even if there's no answers.
I need someone to tell me it is not worth it to connect her with my orientation and thoughts about what I ultimately want for myself. So thank you. Yes, I probably need to tell myself to snap out of it every 10 minutes! I totally understand how you feel trapped in the situation where you can not be open to your family, esp. your wife. This part really bothered me and that is why I told my husband about my attraction. I thought that we'be closest to each other and able to confide, support and understand. None of that occurred and I am very sad still that he is Not the person that I can entrust my deepest secrets. From what I've seen on this forum, my husband's reaction was more severe than many other people's spouses. Maybe it is just my impression.. If you find few of my threads a year ago, that is probably the worst it could get. If you want your marriage to stay same, good idea to be slow and cautious. Ours is alright but there is something missing - that trust, that core, at least for me.
Thanks for the advice Orchidea, My friend told me she thinks if I came out to my wife it would destroy the trust we have. Doesn't think my marriage would ever be the same again after. I think she's probably right. That's why I'm so reluctant to tell her. But at the same time like you I just wish I could give in to that other side of me. I don't honestly believe there's an answer to this and I've thought about it for a long long time. Are you happy with your husband? Is the intimacy still there? Do you feel when you told him you damaged your relationship in a way that can't be fixed? I'd love for you to be able to keep your husband and for him to understand and that you could have this girl in your life too. Life just doesn't work that way. So hard I know.
Your friend may be giving you sound advice, esp. If she knows you and your wife. If you treasure your relationship and want to stay, take care of her feelings and mutual trust. I am for the most part ok and relatively happy, the intimacy is there and is good, but, I feel a good amount of emotional trauma even though it's been a year. Still recovering from that week, but like I said his reaction was not good. I do hide everything well.. I also realize that I have my right to stay or leave and I chose to stay so rolling with it and making best out if it is the way to go. So all ok aside from my thought on my sexual and romantic orientation questioning and her. It does bother me a lot to know I can not talk to him about my deepest thoughts and emotions. Imo that is the key to perfect union, however, I see marriages not as good as ours and that makes me feel in peace. He is a good guy and is good for me, would be 110% if I had not discovered my other side
Hi Orchidea, God I feel what you're saying so much. I tell my friend everything because she's so accepting and completely non judgemental. And it's that closeness that I wish I had with my wife. But I know if I told my wife it would be a disaster. Not even because she's homophobic or anything because she's not at all. I just think the fact that I hadn't been open with her (although at the time we got together I hadn't really figured things out) and I feel it would just break the trust we have. But then I also feel like a fraud because I'm pretending to be someone I'm not. Like I'm at the stage with my friend that we can check out guys and have a laugh and all of that but it's awful that my wife knows nothing about that side of me - well maybe it's not awful, probably far better she doesn't but you know what I mean? So basically you told your husband and he didn't take it well at all? What upset / annoyed him? Was it the thought you wanted to be with someone else? Or was it that he felt you hadn't been honest? Or is he against homosexuality or a mix of things? Do you just never mention it now? Did it just kind of explode and now is a no go area? Part of me still thinks you were right to try. At least now you know. I often feel like a coward. I've so much admiration for you that you were brave enough to be honest. And at the end of the day that's what you were trying to be - honest. I think that's what I find so hard, being honest is always the right thing to do. And your husband / wife / partner / lover is the person you should always be most honest with. But we can't. And it's not our fault we're the way we are. It really is as if this was a choice we made and obviously it wasn't. Sometimes I'm fine with it all and just get on with things but sometimes I get so terribly depressed. What are we supposed do Orchidea? This is just something we gonna have to deal with because it's not going to go away but I just don't know how. Feel like should send a hug cos I always know when I start thinkin about all this I always feel I need one!
Honestly, I don't know. His reaction was so bad that there was never time to even think of asking what part bothered him. I was in complete shock and despair. I'd rather not bring this up now since that will make things worse. He will blame any conversation regarding this to the fact that I am not over her or my questioning. Ironically this is the case, and I am walking tight rope to get through this hopefully by myself..
