Angry!

Yes, for sure. That's one side of the story.

I have a few years on you, and I certainly have from time to time the same feeling.

But also at my age, it is at least somewhat possible that my social disabilities, fear, shame and cowardice also may have saved my life. I was about as sexually naive as they come. And also, I had friends who were lost in the HIV holocaust.

I'd like to think I would have turned out all right. And I surely was troubled just like anyone else. There is no way to tell what might have been.

You are indeed a bit younger than I am. I understand your anger, but there is time for you to actualize your full potential, johndeere. You'll miss young love, true, but you won't have to miss love. Nor happiness.

I had a pretty unhappy adolescence. Work, it made me plenty of money but was a few hundred bricks short of a full load of satisfaction. In middle age, I found (inexplicably) that my happiness, freedom, and openness to new ideas actually improved.

Both of us, I think, shouldn't fall into that gay myth that life ends at 30, or 40, or 41 at the latest. That myth has been the downfall of so many people, it bears looking at carefully. Both of us have no choice. We either have to question it, or admit that maybe we're already dead. I'm pretty sure we have a lot of hoo-ha left in both of us, despite that cultural headstone.

 

Hey Dean,

Sorry you're feeling down today.

You know, I've been following all of your posts, and I'm amazed at how far you've come. It takes time to conquer the shame that you've lived with for your whole life, and I know you're still working on that. Don't forget to look back sometimes and see how far you've already climbed. If you are only looking at the mountain ahead of you, you fail to recognize the incredible heights you've already reached. So, look back a little, and marvel, and give yourself some credit for what you have already achieved.

You recently said in a post:

Today's anger over lost youth is a test of that determination. Sure, we all have some regrets, but sitting around wallowing over what you can't have back instead of doing everything you can to "make the next forty years better" would be the biggest tragedy of them all.

Keep moving forward, Dean. It's all we can do.

Take care. ride:

 

Anger is power when you are coming out!

Anger is a call to action. Feel your anger and transform it into action. If you are mad at yourself for not accepting yourself as gay earlier, feel your pain at missing out then use it as motivation not to repeat past mistakes and decide to make the most of the rest of your life. Share your story with Guff; it will help both of you heal. Go to a gay bar and dance the anger away. Or do anything that will bring you closer to the life you want. Your anger is a signal to take action.

Be sure not to turn the anger inward. If you don't release your anger constructively through action but rather turn it inward, it will turn into sadness and has the potential to lead you down a negative spiral.

 

Hi Johndeere. I can relate, even if it's a different set of circumstances for me. Spent 8 years of my twenties alone, and sometimes regret that I didn't put myself out there more, so would have discovered a lot more about myself early on, versus getting the revelation 2 decades later. Sienna, Imgay and Faustian all have great advice, and I don't have much more to add other than that I can definitely empathize with you, and just need to not be so hard on ourselves; we came out when we were ready to come out.

 

I agree that you shouldn't turn the anger inward. Self acceptance and coming out is a journey that we all must take and very few people can sprint it. If your personal circumstances are good and you have a strong support network in place, you will complete the journey sooner and with less pain, but if your personal circumstances are more complicated (family, location, religious issues etc.) the journey may be longer and more arduous. Being angry at yourself when circumstances are, or have been against you is futile.

The whole purpose of this forum is to provide a safe and friendly support network to people who might find themselves in some of those difficult circumstances I mentioned above. If you have people to talk to and turn to for advice, support and friendship it can give you the confidence to stand tall and live your life on your terms.

Looking back on what you (might have) missed out on will only feed the sense of despondency. Instead of looking back, remain present and focus on the future and try to create your own happiness. It might not be easy, but it will be a damn sight easier if you are not wallowing in reflection. The past has passed and cannot be changed, but you can shape and mould your present and future, so concentrate on that... with help and support if/when you need it.

 

I used to get really frustrated with people "comforted" me by saying that "everything happens for a reason", because it always seemed like they were dismissing my pain by suggesting it was part of some eternal (and apparently rather sadistic) plan. That doesn't feel like any higher power I'd like to believe in!

Maybe the "reason" everything happens is really very simple: it seemed like the best option at the time. None of us chose to go into the closet thinking, oh boy, what a marvelous clusterfuck I can live through 10 or 20 or 30 years from now! It's more like, based on what I know at this moment and the options I have, this decision seems like the thing that will make me the happiest in the long run. Sometimes we're right and sometimes we're not.

Personally, I flirted with the idea of being out and gay in my 20's. I definitely knew what turned me on, but was reluctant to chance giving up the support of a close-knit extended family, along with a very safe and predictable future, for a lifestyle that seemed unfamiliar and risky, and I had doubts that I could fit into. After a series of family tragedies that shook me to the core, it seemed like the best thing I could do for my own sanity and emotional security was to stay in the closet, and I actually did manage to fall in love and get married. It was my decision, based on my situation at the time, and the painfully limited amount of knowledge I had about what life as a gay man could be like. Not to mention my own level of courage. Maybe I could have made a go of it. Or maybe I would have fallen apart and ended up even more damaged, or dead. I don't know. But I made my choice. And regardless of the bad things that came of it, I also have good things to show for it as well, like two daughters that I adore.

So, was it really part of some grand eternal plan that I ended up in a situation where I ended up miserable, and the only way out was to hurt people I cared about? Hell no--I don't believe that one bit. If "everything happens for a reason", then we're really saying that we're a victim of circumstances, or of God, and we very rightfully SHOULD feel pissed off and frustrated and in a situation that's out of control. How much different is it to say, I made decisions that led to this, for better or worse. I've learned from them. I know better now. I have more knowledge, more understanding, more empathy, and more self-worth than I did then. I can get myself out of this. It's not going to be easy, but I'm not a victim of my past decisions, and I can make better ones this time around.

Be angry, absolutely. You have the right. You're in a situation that sucks, you still have hard decisions ahead, and things won't be easy. But remember that you can own your future in a way you couldn't have 10 or 20 or 30 years ago. You can do this!

 

johndeere3020 you should try figuring this out 56. talk about mind bent! I'm still wrapping my head around this while trying to hold a marriage together, been married almost 16 years. I have very little support structure. step children won't talk to me wife is see a counselor and the only one i have to talk to is the freakin cat. about the only thing holding me together is my routine and a strong will to keep moving forward. yeah I've looked back and wondered where I would have been if I had figured this out much much earlier in life. But that's past nothing I can do about it but look forward with whats left and hope I find my way. About the only thing I have going right now is I have found a friend who makes me smile every time I hear from him. He has helped me to see the beauty and joy of m2m contact. Only thing is I don't want to unload too much on him and risk losing him so I keep most of it in side and deal with as best i can. have i felt anger? YES! hell yes i was mad but i worked through it. was I sad? yep that too. shame? oh yeah. fear? all the time. but I keep looking forward. That light at the end of the tunnel? its not a train its a new day dawning. I just have to keep moving towards it. all i can say is it's a journey that will take time and patients . growth hurts sometimes but you just gotta keep trying

 

Yep.......you are not alone.