Today's small victory, trying to integrate my college friends into my truth

Hey, friends. Sorry it's been a while since I've posted. I've been trying to keep up with work stuff, which has been a real challenge, since my anxiety/depression symptoms have really been cranking up pretty hard. I've also been checking out a support app to see what it's like. I wish I could take the best from the app and merge it with EC. Oh, well. I may hop back and forth between the two, but that doesn't mean I don't love y'all, just that I need different things at different times.(&&&)

So, small victory today! I came out to K, a friend from college. He's gay, too, and planning his wedding to the guy he has been with since, like, 2008. In college we were both closeted and sort of each other's beards, kind of a flirty friendlationship that had trouble ever making it past holding hands in a movie but successfully scared away any other possible opposite gender suiters for either of us. Anyway, we were messaging about my address for his wedding invitation (Yay, gay wedding!), and how he's coming back south for our alma mater's homecoming this weekend. Got to talking a bit about his parents not acknowledging his partner and whatever. I dropped in that I managed to come out this year finally, about damn time, took me long enough. He was just like, "Yay!" And we kept talking about all the other things. I might have to get up at like 4:30am to make this happen, but I might be able to meet him for breakfast before he flies out on Sunday. I think it would be worth the sleep deprivation, especially since you never really get to talk to the groom(s) during their wedding other than just hi hug bye. Could be helpful to catch up and share notes and memories about stuff.

Also, K was in my college friend group with B, the roommate I was in love with for the better part of a decade. I wrote her several weeks ago and came out to her and explained why I stopped talking to her for years in my effort to be less gay. I wonder if she shared the information with any of our other college friends. Maybe? I also think that K has enough good gay sense to be not surprised, given that he saw me for 4 years of college in which I could not keep my hands off of B for more than like 3 minutes, even in walmart, lol.

So, now I'm wondering if I'll see B at K's wedding.... Damn, now I want to lost 50 pounds and get a makeover and look foxy as hell before I go. Don't know when the wedding is. Don't know if that's feasable. I should probably not get all anorexic to impress the girl Ican't have. But, damn, just the idea of seeing her and she knows how I feel, even though there's no chance, I feel kinda turned on.

Other college friend, M. He and his wife were some of the uber-Christian people I shame-came-out to when I cut B off and I was trying to walk the religious *straight* and narrow. So, he knows I love(d?) B and that I think ladies are super pretty, but I have not spoken to him since I questioned religion, dumped religion, and decided that I'm ok just how I am. I have not spoken to him since Iexplained all that to B in the letter. I expect that M and his wife will be invited to K's wedding. I have no idea whether or not his religious principles would let him attend. .... A big part of me hopes not?? .... In part because he would be an extra layer of shame if I maybe wound up making out with the now-married-to-a-man love of my life... I want to kiss her etc, it's a bad idea, I want to make out with her, it's a bad idea...... I probably have months to hotly torment myself about this, lol.

Ok. Gotta get back to doing work. I can do it!