I've had a lot of time to think lately. Definitely too much time, it's never good. Enlightening, sure. But is all enlightenment good?? I really don't know. There's something to that whole, "ignorance is bliss," saying. I really envy those who are so wrapped up in their own lives or just don't have that thing that makes them really think about the way others act. I, however, am ridiculously observant and hyper aware of things. I've always been one of those people to be picked on. Like bullied a little. It's strange to me because, though I'm really nice and understanding, I definitruly have this side of myself that isn't afraid of conflict. I don't like it, because I don't like being disliked, but I've never had any issue with spreading my wisdom and thoughts with others. Maybe when I was younger, and during that time, I turned a lot of that picking onto myself: they don't like me because I'm unlikable. She said I'm ugly because I'm ugly and I need to change that. They won't stop starring at me because there's something wrong with me. Pity party for one, please. As I got older and more vocal, I wasn't picked on as much, mostly because my inner witch came out (which could really just have been my establishment of boundaries with other people), but at times I find myself amongst people I'm not sure have my best interests at heart. Sometimes I can and can't help that, as in, some people are family members so it's partially unavoidable, but I distanced myself from them if I felt that they really crossed a line. I don't want to act special. I'm sure this happens to many people because not everyone in this world is a good person, or a stable person, and that's why it's important to understand yourself and have some balanced idea of what normalcy is. Even if that's just normalcy for yourself I guess. I'm just like, starting to question the people around me. I've always understood there are people who have issues, and thus, repeat of everything I said above, but I think I shook the hell out of myself when I realized how manipulative my trigger was, and how easily I feel for it. And how easily I sometimes still have moments where I question if she had any fault in what went down. Now, unfortunately because I'm an obsessive researcher (blame my English degree), I'm hyper well versed in sociopathy and manipulation. Okay. I wouldn't say "hyper well versed" but I know a lot about it, and now I look at people really differently. I don't think everyone's a sociopath or narcissist, but I see behaviors by people I was or am close with that have flags going up for me - for manipulative stuff, or just plain selfishness, not anything as harsh as trigger, but maybe still unhealthy. Here's a few things that bother me: 1. Some people in my family who never check in to see how I am since I've been sick (chronic medical issue that's kept me out of work and out of function for a long ass time). 2. A friend that I was really excited to have, but never stops talking about herself. It's always about her. And maybe that's my fault (because I ask and advise), but I don't think so. I try to talk about my stuff and it's addressed for two minutes and she doesn't seem to pay attention, then we're quickly back onto her. I'm growing really resentful from it (should I say something?). 3. An old friend, who I call my best friend, who ignores me sometimes. Not in a vicious way, but stops communication for no reason. Maybe because she's having an issue. And usually I'd say something to her to figure out what's wrong, but I'm tired. I've got my own problems, and we're not in high school so I don't feel the need to coax her out of her shell. Like, I just can't deal with the stunted communication issues. And now I just get offended about it. I just feel like I'm seeing bad in people and am sick of them. Like my friend who purposely ignores me, even if it's just for a little. And maybe that's something I need to get over. It's just hurtful to be texting someone who doesn't answer and then see they're doing other stuff on social media. And then the friend who's a conversational narcissist, and the few in my family that haven't spoken to me for practically months while I've been ill. I'm not sure what I'm saying here. Except for I'm sick of people. Noticing many are shitty. And wondering if this normal. Normal as in, is this just something you come to realize as you get older? It makes me feel like isolating myself, and I'm not sure that's the right answer. To just shut down and out everyone who does something that I feel is rude. Like, the family stuff is slightly unforgivable to me, but should ignore them forever like I want to? Like never be nice or speak to them ever again out of spite, because that's what I really want to do, but sly and vengeful so it hurts them internally but I still appear nice. And then my best friend. I feel like she's just an asshole sometimes. But the other friend. Idk what to do about her. I just don't want to deal with people that are immature and insanely self involved. Help.
You sound like me. I don't do selfish, immature or stupid. No that doesn't mean young and simply not knowing yet is bad, it isn't. I don't ask about people's past, it doesn't matter. I accept them for who they are today. If they want to tell me about their past, it can help me understand them better but, it isn't required for me to like them. I tend to be the shoulder to cry on, most of the time but, now and then I need a shoulder. Thankfully I have that in a very dear friend that pretty much thinks like you and I seem too. I also end up with a lot of acquaintances that do nothing but lean on me and, tell me about their problems then, blow mine off as if they are nothing. That's my own fault, I minimize my own struggles far more than I probably should. As for cutting family out, yeah I did it and I did it in witch mode. Oh yeah it hurt them and, I came out looking like the victim but, really they were my victims. I can be vicious when I need to be and, I'm not ashamed to admit doing it. I'm a very kind, helpful, loyal, honest, loving friend to those I call friend but cross me or hurt the few I truly care about and, you will not forget your mistake easily and, you will learn your lesson, like it or not - odds are you won't like it one bit before I'm done with you. If it's an unsure situation, I don't hesitate to confront the person and request an effort to change what is upsetting or disappointing me about them. Sometimes that backfires and, i loose a sort of friend but, I also find real friends that way, the ones mature enough to listen and understand where I'm coming from, and accept my constructive criticism for what it is, an attempt to improve our friendship in a honest, open way. I don't know if it's age or life experience, or both but, yeah sooner or later you realize that, on the whole, people are self centered, self absorbed, immature jerks for the most part. that's when you cut the ones you can't deal with and can't trust out of your life and move on, find the rare few you can deal with and can trust and, if you are blessed, one or two you can actually love deeply, and not necessarily romantically. Those rare few become your family, no blood required.
Now I understand where the eloquence of your posts is coming from! My major was something else, hence dry posts.. Been there before. As far as family members go, ive accepted the fact that they'll always stay family and I should just ignore majority of stuff and also lower my expectations. I don't expect them to neither change themselves nor change what they are not doing (used to expect but not anymore). So yeah, my solution there was not to expect much, and it worked. Nothing bothers me anymore and if I discuss my immediate family with my husband it is just for the irony, funny side of things-get a chuckle out of situation. As far as friends go - your posts scream out 'get new friends'. I am not saying immediately now.. First it looks like you need some positivity to attract people who are positive as well and will care for you. You probably realize that you are feeling down and this is something to take time and take care of. Glad you summed it all up and very well, I am sure your logic helps here. Take your time, stay positive! You need new friends, meanwhile I would not bring yourself down over a few that are not entirely same page with you. Don't know if bringing up your concerns to them will help. If you feel like they don't fully care, you can't make them do what they don't feel like doing. People are selfish indeed, I admit I can be selfish too sometimes.. Hugs(*hug*)
Rather than shut down, why don't you tunnel that desire into meeting new people, more on your wavelength? I've had the same revelations...from a friend who called today and said, "Sorry I haven't checked on you as much, but I really need sur opinion about me" to my mom who asks one question about me- maybe- and then spends the rest of the time complaining about my brother, dad, and her grandkids. I'm accepting that this is just where I'm at right now and I don't have to keep giving and giving to these folks. While I do care for them, I have boundaries now. I have enough going on, so I can't take ur stuff too. I'm not a dump to unload your waste...and most of the time, these folks just want an avenue to talk. They don't want advice. And they def don't want to change their situation. Yet, I've been that person before. I realize they probably don't even know they are doing it. Work on you. Eat right. Get fit (if not already). Meditate. Focus on finding new supportive people. The situation is just temporary. You'll find new friends who will be a better fit.
I want to add that, because I was mindlessly typing on my phone for the original post, that the whole of what I was meaning to say was -- I'm worried that I surround myself with shitty people, and somehow my little dance with trigger is what made me realize that. It's definitely also the being sick for so long part. Don't have much of an outside world to prance around in at the moment, but it was the fact that I kept allowing my trigger to be in my life for so long and continue doing hurtful things to me while making excuses. Then, I noticed things other people did to me, and started wondering how many excuses I give them, and maybe ones that don't seem so apparent because they're just friends, as opposed to bending like a paper clip for someone I wanted to wife up. Whoa. I would NOT want to cross you, lol. I am definitely a no BS type of person, which is why people who are selfish make me super frustrated. I'm going to address everything below. I definitely need more friends. It's really frustrating because I'm stuck at home still. SUPER frustrating, especially for me, because I'm really, really social. I like my alone time, but more often than not, I'm pretty social. My friend who talks about herself all the time...ugh. It's actually almost anxiety inducing. I like having her as a friend, because we're similar, but I dread speaking to her sometimes. It's as if she always has a crisis. And she actually does. She's been through some stuff, so I totally understand her anxieties and need to talk, but there's no excuse for the one-sidedness of our friendship. We never get deep into discussion about my issues, just hers. And maybe it's because she doesn't have the capacity to do that, whereas I'm always going deep. Always trying to get to the root of the issue and fix it. But she always talks about her work, how well she's doing with it (which makes me feel bad since I've been out of service), and then I get to hear about her and everything she's doing. I know it's just me being angry because I can't lean on her. And like DAFriend says, I too am emotionally strong and keep a lot of my struggles to myself. Or I tell my best friend, or my parent. They're the only people I really trust, but sometimes my parent doesn't really understand, and sometimes my best friend is MIA. And I don't know if my frustration is overkill and I'll just end up with no one around me. So many people can be disappointing in so many ways. The family stuff is like, whoa. Didn't really think that would ever happen. But I feel like I have my most important people, and I guess that's all that counts. I am pretty vengeful, though. Very, if you didn't care about me then, DO NOT care about me ever, sort of mindset. I've also been trying to become a little more selfish, in terms of taking care of myself, and my friend who always has a crisis and needs to talk about her like I'm her therapist or just a wall. I've stopped answering calls sometimes. To take care of my own health. It's just frustrating and upsetting, but I'm not sure why. I guess I feel like I need someone to lean on and people don't put in the same effort as I do, which doesn't take me much, so I don't understand why it's hard for others...and then I just have to believe they're selfish/lack mindfulness. I don't know...maybe I should start up some therapy if I can. I'm also totally not needy. I'm just reassessing how I let people treat me. I believe I've had a tendency to let myself be treated poorly. ---------- Post added 1st Nov 2016 at 07:20 PM ---------- Yeah. I really relate to the feeling of being a dump, and that's why it's getting to a point of no return. My best friend isn't like that, if anything, the past few years she's been my dump! I actually feel horrible when I think about it, but she was the only person who knew I was in love with a girl, so I offloaded everything onto her. But I definitely always listened to any of her problems. She and I, even though she can be shitty at times, have a really good, balanced friendship. I'm maybe more considerate and bendy for her with some things, but it's still a real friendship. This other one, though, I don't know how to deal with it. I sometimes don't want to be her friend anymore, because I am just this thing she talks at. I've actually put my phone on mute and had conversations with my parent while they were speaking and they didn't even notice. I've only seen that shit in movies, but it's real! I need to distance myself from her more, I guess. Just, especially during this time, while I'm trying to regain my health, I want to completely drop all of these people who make me feel bad or hurt. But that leaves room for all the things that are hurtful, which happens almost daily for me with my chronic medical issue. People are just rude af, it's actually amazing. However, I understand that I'm just really sensitive to ignorant comments because my patience threshold isn't normal at the moment. I think I am just going to focus on myself more and do all of those things. I'm also participating in NaNoWrimo, so maybe I should just put all of my energy into that.
