I find myself in the process of messy honesty. The first step was being honest with myself, which is something I'm continuing to untangle. Then I was honest with you all, the faceless, accepting masses of EC. Now I'm working toward being honest with people in my daily life. This is the messiest step yet, and I haven't made it all that far yet. I was disheartened this weekend by some callous words some family members said about gay people. Well, I just had a conversation with my mom that means more to me than she could imagine. I've been trying to drop some VERY subtle hints about my sexuality lately. Tonight my mom and I were talking about a friend of mine who is gay. I told her his dad had refused to have anything to do with him since he came out. I won't go into the whole conversation, but she was disgusted by a parent who would treat their child like that. It just affirmed for me that my mom will love me no matter what. Don't get me wrong; she would not be happy if I came out (devastated would be more like it), but she would stand by me. That's something.
The interesting thing is that you might, after all, not know what your mother's reservations might be. I write this because my own mother, despite what I now could admit are obvious flaws, always tried very hard to accept me, and she succeeded. It probably wasn't easy for her to keep her mouth closed sometimes, although I really do not know. She has passed on now, and it's no surprise that all that patience has resulted in lasting reverence for her. It's sometimes been said that the one person who will accept you no matter what is one's mother. There are many sad exceptions that I read about here on EC, so this rule is not ordained by some universal arbiter of social rule. It's just that, at my advancing age, it amazes me how much support I received from her, even when most people would have been screaming. No doubt, this is a tremendous gift. If you mother does this for you, be sure to thank her for it. We're lucky, to have this.
You are doing great, KSatt. You are making good progress. Every little step matters. I identify with a couple of things in your post. When I was early in my coming out process, I dropped hints to some people in my life, including my mother. Facebook posts supporting LGBT issues, etc., even attending PrideFest. In my case, the hints didn't apparently work at all. Almost everybody was pretty surprised that I'm bisexual. Part of that may be because I've been married to a woman for 15 years. But still. I have read a lot of people who come out and the people in their life had already figured it out, so it really varies by person and circumstance. I didn't come out to my Mom first. She was one of the most challenging for me, as far as stress-level. But I did. The lead up to the talk was just anxiety on top of nervousness. But about 2 seconds after I got the words out, a massive weight was lifted off me. And she supported me. Even if she hadn't supported me, a weight would have been lifted (which may read weird, but believe me, it's true). I'd been in the closet a long time. Even relatives who may initially have problems can come around, too. I have a cousin my same age who is lesbian. She came out 10 years ago to everyone in the family with a letter in the mail including an invitation to her Civil Union (they've since gotten married, too, since Minnesota passed a marriage equality law). Her dad supported her immediately, as did I and about 3/4 of our extended family. Her mom wanted nothing to do with it, totally hated the idea, was very upset. Didn't go to the Civil Union ceremony. Over time, though, her mom's heart softened. She eventually accepted, then moved to full embrace, of her daughter and daughter in law. Now they all come to the family reunions and its like my cousin and her wife are just any normal married couple that we all love. Just one example, but even initial rejection can change. Good luck, I wish you strength and energy to find your best path. (*hug*)
Messy honesty is a perfect way to describe what I'm going through. I'm also trying to drop hints to my mother that I am not heterosexual. Problem is, I've been married almost 16 years and as far as my mother knows, I am 100% straight. Except I'm not. She sent me a picture on Saturday that was talking about the election and how we need something to take our minds off it. The picture is a shirtless cowboy. I happened to be with my girlfriend (as in my non-platonic girlfriend) at the time my mother sent the picture. My girlfriend looked at the picture and we both died laughing. I then sent it to my two best friends, who know I'm a lesbian, and they wrote back laughing as well. It took me awhile to respond to the message. When I responded all I said was, "Meh. Not my type." To me this is a big hint. But to her it's probably nothing. I almost wonder if I need to write her a letter. I just don't know that I'm going to be able to tell her in person. Maybe now isn't the right time. I really don't know. It's just good to know there are others going through the same thing I am. Maybe your mother will pleasantly surprise you, KSatt. I hope mine will pleasantly surprise me as well. Mine is open minded about most things and I know she doesn't have any issues with LGBT people, but I think she might have a problem with the fact that her only child is a lesbian. Guess I won't know until I tell her. Anyway, just know that you're not alone. And "messy honesty" is a great term. Love it. Good luck to you and to anyone else going through this journey. It is so hard. I think it will be rewarding for me eventually. Haven't reached that point yet but I have hope. I feel very positive about the future. Take care of yourself.
Oh yeah, honesty can definitely be messy, pretty much disastrous even. Especially if that's coming out. It was for me but, even though I lost everything, home, family, friends, job, all of it, gone, I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Sometimes you have to demolish what's there with a wrecking ball before you can build something better. Being true to yourself is often one of those wrecking balls, but, in the grand scheme of things, you'll end up happier for doing it, even though that can take a while to come after you have to tear things down and let things go.
Honesty is not messy. It's very clean and not complicated. You simply tell the truth. Dishonesty is messy and complicated. You need to figure out how to spin or distort the truth and then keep track of what story you told different people. Perhaps honesty appears to be messy because you are in the process of cleaning up the dishonesty in your life? The truth will set you free
Boy did you just miss an opportunity for a "non-messy" declaration. When she expressed her disgust you should have thrown in "glad to hear that because I'm a lesbian."
Hi KSatt, The word "messy" is truly appropriate. Remember that real change only comes from getting messy. Change never comes from neat, easy and simple. I hope that the fact that your mother has confirmed that she will love you no matter what will show you that change becomes less chaotic the further into it you get. The process of coming out can be so very challenging . Would it be different if you didn't come out? Coming out can often sound and feel like you are lobbing a social message bomb. What if instead of coming out, you selected individuals that you invited in to your story? Finding and building a support network of individuals who you can invite in to your story -- one at a time -- helps to build a sense of safety and normalcy. I wish you the best!
