Is it time to just let him go?

It goes back to April 2015. I met him at the gym. He was way younger than me, 18 years old, and at first I didn't even believe he was gay. Once it was confirmed, I started flirting. I got his number. We talked a bunch. He had a boyfriend and made it clear that he wouldn't do anything while he wasn't single, but also made it clear that he would likely be single shortly so I should stick around. We started talking daily in addition to seeing each other at the gym. He mentioned really wanting to go to a concert for a band he liked and I knew them too, so I went ahead and asked him if he wanted to go together. I bought the tickets. Turned out to be his first concert, which I didn't know until afterwards.

By May, we were hooking up. In my mind, it was meant to be a one time thing more than likely. I was engaged to be married, and he was young, and its not like we even really had a place to do it. I had to rent a hotel room for that first night. But then we hooked up again three days later. And eventually it became a few times a week. We once had a stretch of hooking up 8 days in a row. And we were hanging outside of the bedroom too. We were going to concerts, and going around shopping, and generally having a good time.

I bought him gifts. At first, it was stuff that made sense. It was his birthday in early June, so I bought him a really nice record player and speakers. Then we started celebrating the day we first hooked up like some sort of anniversary and bought each other gifts for that. At times I'd even just buy him something nice because I could, and I wanted to. And keeping an 18 year old interested was no small feat. Especially when I wasn't single.

By July, things hit a climax. After a concert I didn't go to with him, he text me to say that he thought he was falling in love with me. I was thrilled, because the feelings were mutual. But he also asked me how things were with my fiancee that night, and I said good, and he took that to mean he'd never have me. That he had to move on. So he did. Within a week, he was telling me about some guy who was younger than him that he was interested in dating for real. And I became jealous and angry and hurt.

I was also giving him money every week by this point. One random day in either June or July, he told me he was considering having sex with some guy on a hookup app who offered him $100 for it. I told him don't do that, I'll just give you the $100, and we have sex anyway. Before long I was giving him $200 a week and he was guaranteeing me sex a certain number of times a week. He quit his job at a retail store that paid him less than what I was giving him. I still had feelings, and I had to watch as he dated other guys and told me all about it. One time, he went and had sex with a guy just because he knew it would upset me.

By the end of August, things were just bad. We were almost caught by my fiancee's mother, and that changed everything. He was angry at me for that situation. I was begging him not to cut off our relationship. I also for the first time told my fiancee that we should have some time apart and moved out for a short time. By September 1, he officially had a boyfriend. And that was meant to be it. He and this boyfriend, though in a long distance relationship, were meant to be monogamous. I was hurt, and I exploded at him because I had given him money for the week and was being told sorry but its not happening. We got past the fight and worked on being friends.

Truth be told, I'm the reason he got together with this guy. They already were talking a lot and going back and forth on if they should or shouldn't. They dated for about 10 days back in July, while we were still hooking up, and he ended it with that guy because he didn't want to be cheating on him but didn't want to stop with me. At the end of August he started seeing another older guy, who was clearly trying to get between us, and also trying to talk him into being an escort. I saw the opportunity to make sure they didn't date by finally getting him and the other guy together, so I did it. For what its worth, they're still together and now live together.

We worked on just being friends for a few months, though I found it hard a lot. Then in November, we had a threesome. They asked me about it and I was happy to go for it. After that, we hooked up again in December. I paid for their hotel room (it was still long distance) and gave them some cash as well, like old times. We ended up having a big fight as I had hoped they'd want to hook up with me a second time that day and they didn't want to, but when I pointed out how much I did for them, they went ahead with it. Again, our relationship pretty much ended there.

Until February. I was staying someplace with two bedrooms and they wanted to spend a week together. So we negotiated. Got his boyfriend into town. We hooked up three times. I wanted more, and that made them angry. By the end, they again were pissed and ready to end it.

Then we did it again in March. And it went well. I rented the hotel room, yada yada. Same in April. And then there was a new twist. My friend asked me if I'd pay his rent every month for a room so he could move out from his parents. $1300 a month. And we'd all hook up twice a month. Plus he asked me to pay a $900 credit card bill off and promised to hook up with me once a week for the entire month of July, when his boyfriend would be moving here. I went for both things, because I wanted the sex. I wanted it very much.

By June, I decided to move out from my fiancee, and an opportunity to move into a two bedroom apartment opened up. So I moved in with them and paid the entire rent. And their cell phone bill. July went well, hooking up once a week, though by the end of the month when it seemed like we wouldn't hook up that last week as promised, I got upset and asked about it. And they got upset and decided that I had no right to demand it and not trust them, and that was it. Our friendship was going to be over. Or at the least, our sexual relationship was. I was hurt by this, greatly, and expressed to my friend that if we stopped having sex, I may not be able to be friends with him. He took it extremely badly and it really was almost the end of our friendship for good.

We got past it. We didn't hook up at all in August, but I still paid for everything as promised. A sign of hope that we'd get back to normal afterwards. And we did, in September. And everything was fine, until the last day of the month, when we had the biggest fight we've ever had. A fight that almost got physical. We had a lot of issues building up, including me feeling like my friend just didn't treat me nicely at all or the way I treated him. That it borderline felt like he was using me at times. That he only wanted to hang out with me or talk to me when it was convenient for him, particularly when his boyfriend wasn't around. I basically left my fiancee for this guy and now I was being treated like crap for it.

And he admitted that I was right. That he did treat me like crap as a form of revenge because I was the best person he had ever met and since the beginning he felt that I treated him like crap, "even on the day I told you I was falling for you." I guess this is deep seeded anger about me not being available to him back then. He swears he has no feelings for me anymore except friendship, but then I feel like his words are so chock full of dueling viewpoints sometimes. Like, he'll call me his best friend, but then has also spent two hours explaining to me why I'm not his best friend (as I took the train with him at 11 pm on a weeknight so he could go visit his boyfriend out of town, and then came to his rescue with a place to spend the night when he missed that midnight bus and couldn't get another until 6 am).

He told me originally that we wouldn't be hooking up anymore because him and his bf have decided to be monogamous (don't worry, I don't pay for anything of theirs anymore) but then I discovered them on a hookup app. So he told me I don't deserve to have sex with them anymore because of my actions. Because of the negative history, of which he takes zero responsibility. Even though the last fight we had had absolutely nothing to do with our sexual relationship. He says that its all connected...but then when I point out how for the last month I've pulled back and given him space and just been a good friend, he's said that's not related to sex and thus doesn't matter towards that relationship. Huh?! He also said the decision to stop was "irreversible." But he still wants to be friends. Just last week he went out of his way while we were hanging out to say "you know you're still my best friend, right?"

So now I'm in a place where I think I need to make a decision about this relationship. I think it may be time to end the friendship. Him taking zero responsibility for the issues that we've had that lead to the fights that we had really bothers me, and this whole me not "deserving" to have sex with him, but yet I deserve to be his friend? And mind you, being his friend still means only doing the things he wants to do and talking to him when he's free or bored, and paying for everything like food and whatever, and basically he's never actually there for me at all. He's also regularly insulted me and written it off as joking around, and said some truly hurtful stuff. I actually think anybody else, after hearing the whole deserving statement would say eff it and cut ties with him. What has he done to deserve my friendship? He feels toxic now.

But I suck at losing people, so making this decision is really tough.

I know this was loooong, but any feedback would be appreciated. Even on the how would you end things front. Just go complete no contact? Write him a letter? Say everything I want even though it will fall on deaf ears? Nothing is ever his fault, so pointing out anything he's said won't matter.

Here he was, the first guy I ever fell for. No wonder I don't want to be gay anymore.

 

Totally very very possible.

I think my question now is more should I try to maintain the friendship that he wants, or do I just cut my losses and move on for good? Like I'm going to safely assume sex is off the table 100% anyway. I'm left with deciding if I should maintain a friendship with him.

---------- Post added 2nd Nov 2016 at 09:05 AM ----------

You're probably right. A close friend of mine says that he sounds like a classic narcissist. He definitely knows how to manipulate me. I've watched him do it and even known I was being manipulated as it was happening.

I'm not going to say anything to him today (we basically had an argument last night after I found them on the hookup app, and he once again went down the whole "you don't deserve it, I don't think of you that way anymore (mind you, we hooked up twice last month), its irreversible, and the negative history just hit a tipping point" path again) because I don't want to overreact or fight with him more. Part of me is tempted to just never speak to him again basically.

---------- Post added 2nd Nov 2016 at 09:09 AM ----------

Yeah, I can definitely own the sugar daddy-ness of the whole thing. He's also accused me of being a sex addict (which, if he believes, then means he took advantage of) and always gets particularly angry at me because he feels that I only care about him for sex. That's why he got so upset when I said I might not be able to stay friends with him once the sex stopped, though I meant because it might hurt me a lot to see him. It's like a breakup, even if he doesn't see it that way.

 

I'm sorry, I just don't see how I am fully responsible for the entire thing. I have responsibility in it of course, and I take that, but I just can't see how he didn't use me in ways as well. I agree with that concept (Dan Savage calls it the campsite rule, or something like that) but I truly think other than him being hurt because I wasn't available to be his exclusively at first, I didn't do anything specifically to cause emotional damage.

Heck one of the first times I almost ended things with my ex-fiancee was because he told me I had to choose between him and her. And I was choosing him. Until he changed his mind.

---------- Post added 2nd Nov 2016 at 11:59 AM ----------

I agree with that. His argument at the moment (well, one) is that the sexual aspect of our relationship was toxic and that's why he doesn't want that anymore, but still wants our friendship. It's hard because I feel like I'm left questioning is he being honest, or is he saying stuff to manipulate me. I just don't know how to trust him at the moment.

---------- Post added 2nd Nov 2016 at 12:02 PM ----------

This is what I'm struggling with. I think a big part of it too for me is that I just plain feel rejected right now. We never officially dated, but it does feel like a breakup. I didn't manage to stay more than acquaintances with my first ex girlfriend, so I'm not sure how to pull it off here. Not until I fully moved on anyway, and I'm nowhere near there yet.

I feel like he hasn't understood the rejection aspect of it all. That he rejected me. Is rejecting me. And people don't necessarily want to just stay your friend when you've rejected them.

---------- Post added 2nd Nov 2016 at 12:05 PM ----------

I'm really not sure what I'll do yet, besides at least pull away more than I already have in the past month. But you're definitely hitting a certain nail on the head with what you said there. I won't lie that I hold out some hope for that, even though I tell myself that its pointless and that I need to let it go. I'm trying for sure. I know they say no contact is the best way to move on from somebody (I was on a relationship message board getting over being dumped by my first ex long before I was questioning my sexuality here! haha) but its just so hard when you genuinely just enjoy somebody's company.

---------- Post added 2nd Nov 2016 at 12:14 PM ----------

Just to be clear, I do have friends my own age, though not gay friends per se and certainly none who I've had a relationship with. But he's far from the only friend I have, or even the only close friend. It is a big part of why I've been able to go from seeing him every day to once a week this past month.

I will say the experience definitely taught me overall to not really date guys as young as him (I broke off a potential date with a 19 year old last week because of that line of thinking), and to not let money and love mix.

 

You're right, I could have handled that particular situation better. My gut reaction was simply if you need it that badly, I can give it to you. I'm not so sure I wouldn't do the same for any friend that came to me saying they were going to do that, though I wouldn't have a sexual relationship with them. I think part of him got off on the idea of being a "rentboy" (like I said, he seriously explored being an escort by August when he met a guy who was a former escort and was pushing him towards it) and so that became part of our relationship. It was probably doomed from that moment.

I like to think time can change things, but I just don't know. Anyway, I have to accept that he's rejected me now and deal with that. Is being rejected by somebody you've had a relationship (lets call it FWB) with enough grounds to stop being their friend?

---------- Post added 2nd Nov 2016 at 01:28 PM ----------

Yeah, I'm at least aiming for the 24+ age range now. Paying for sex definitely wasn't my brightest moment.

---------- Post added 2nd Nov 2016 at 01:35 PM ----------

Yeah, the beginning of the relationship was very much not what it became. I mean, I won't ignore the fact that I was engaged and so obviously that made it not a normal relationship, but we were basically dating. From May-June, I was the only guy he was seeing or sleeping with. And he became the only guy I was too (he showed great jealousy at the idea of me still hooking up with any other guys). We bought each other gifts, it wasn't one-sided. I may have bought him more and spent more, but I had more to spend. I still have the wireless Beats headphones and boxing gloves he bought me during this time. But I was buying him gifts because I really liked him and wanted to treat him to nice things. I've done this for the girls I've dated too, and they were my same age while we were dating. I just like treating people I care about to nice things.

The beginnings of our relationship were pretty much normal. It was when money became a big part of it, and when he felt rejected by me after telling me he was in love with me, that things all went downhill. I'll say I probably should have cut it off way back last summer, instead of seeing it come to an end now. I more regret that than anything.

Right now I just want to let go of the interest in him. Partly because I want to remain friends possibly. Partly because I want to move on and know it could hold me back. Heck, partly because if there ever were a chance at something in the future, it's not going to happen because I waited around for it. I hate the idea of saying never to something, but I feel like I need to say never to this. He said it today. He's not interested. He's not attracted to me anymore. It hurts, but I have to own the rejection.

But can I do that while staying friends and not suffering? I don't know.

 

That's really sound advice. I'll say my range at +/- 10 years would be 23-43, which is about where I'm trying to stick. I think in general I'm a bit better now about recognizing these qualities in guys I meet new. For example, I went out a few times with a really hot 24 year old, even hooked up with him, and ultimately decided I didn't want to pursue it further because he was very spoiled and I didn't think that would be good. Though I'd be lying if I didn't say I kind of wish we had kept messing around at least lol. But I did make the right call that time.

It's hard though when your own maturity level can be called into question.