I feel so lost, lonely and depressed.

Wow. I related so much to this post. We are in almost the same situation. I separated from my wife 2 years ago, but I still love her and miss her very much. Like you, I've made little progress and my few encounters with men have been inconclusive. I've never had romantic thoughts about guys, but the erotic fantasies are undeniable.

I can't offer any comfort, since I have no solution and am still in the middle of this slow-motion crisis. But, at the very least, misery loves company -- so welcome!

 

I can also relate to your post so much. I knew I was attracted to guys since I was young, but I repressed those feelings to be "normal," or what I thought was normal at the time. I've used gay porn for as long as the internet has been around, and never saw guys in a "romantic" way, only sexually.

My own coming out story is unique, as is everyone else's, and you can read it if you want by going to my post history. However, it wasn't until after I came out of the closet and began to allow myself to really look at guys, and begin thinking about them in more ways than purely sexual, that things began to change for me. I started noticing guys in a different way.

The difference, though, wasn't just the coming out. It was the "allowing" myself to think about guys and look at guys. Personally, I've always associated certain actions as more "romantic" than sexual, such as kissing, cuddling, massage, etc. Now when I look at guys, and I see one that I think is really cute or beautiful to me, I imagine kissing him, and cuddling with him. The more I did this, the more of a feeling of excitement (and nervousness) would build inside me, completely separate from sexual turn-on.

I think the coming out part for me helped to rid myself of the last vestiges of internal shame and negative thinking about being gay. This in turn gave me the courage to really look at guys as more than just my sexual fantasy tools for masturbation.

If you are still repressing your gay feelings, it's no wonder that you don't view guys in a romantic light. That doesn't mean you are incapable of a romantic interest, it's just that you may be still repressing it. I would work on where those feelings are being blocked or ignored, and work on removing those barriers.

Take care. ride:

 

My Sky Harbor:

I am in the same boat as you. I am also 32 and very much stuck in ‘I’m only sexually attracted to guys and not romantically’ situation. On top of this, I am married to an amazing woman and still have not figured out what I'm going to do.

I don't have any good advice. But the one thing you should do, if you are not already, is go to therapy and get on anti-depressant medication like an SSRI. I went through the same issues as you in terms of physical anxiety that affects my relationships and not being able to sleep. The medication combined with therapy has been helping me, and I can function normally for the most part as I work through these difficult issues.

 

I am not nearly as far along coming out as you but this has been my experience too. What was really surprising is the romantic fantasies are way more intense than I ever had about women.

 

Weirdly enough, I'm also 32, also in Boston, and also dealing with much the same thing and have been for years. A main difference is I'm not married and have had no recent or distant success with women, which has been a large part of my feelings of depression and low self worth over my life. I can very much relate to the part about "everything being bullshit up to now." When I think of all the heartache and rejection over the course of my life and it seems to be for nothing, it's like having to deal with the worst part of being a straight man, but completely pointlessly because I'm gay, and it's a very difficult thing to wrap my head around and not feel a sense of almost....bitterness about. I'm an atheist but in my weaker and more self-pitying moments I used to feel like it was some type of cruel joke played on me from above.

I also totally understand the poor sleep part. When it's just you and your thoughts behind closed doors it can get ugly. I think the most important things are to 1.) give yourself a bit of a break first of all, 2.) try and make sure your days are filled with meaningful things that keep your mind off of the circle of doubt and rumination that can occur 3.) try not to self-isolate (this one is very difficult for me and I've seen the kind of damage it has done to me.) 4.) Try a couple of different therapists if you think you're already hitting dead ends, and maybe someone who has a lot of experience in this area. Some styles also don't work the best for different personalities.

 

I'll add my tuppence worth in here. You say you don't have any crushes on guys, but can you envisage dating one. If not what makes you think you are gay? I was in your shoes a while back, was convinced i was gay, but i found myself even when having a boyfriend that i didnt feel at all comfortable with it when it came to sexual matters, i thought that getting intimate with a man would help me figure myself out but i actually feel regret for some of my experimentation now. I've just found i am more comfortable with women and consider myself straight now. Having sex with a women just comes more natural to me and having been through coming out to a lot of people i'm now backtracking a little because i think i'm happier with a woman.

my therapist thinks my 'gayness' is really in my head and all OCD related (i have had other worries aside from being gay that i won't bring up here).

if your experimentation with guys has not brought you any resolution ask yourself why? did it feel right? did it feel like something you wanted more of and to spend the rest of your life doing?

My gut reaction is that it really needs to feel right in doing it, the vast majority of people say that as soon as they experimented it just felt the right things to do as it felt natural. does it feel natural? or does it feel like you are doing it to to try it out, that it was something you 'had' to do.

theres nothing wrong with trying something out and finding out its not for you, after all thats why its called experimenting, it doesnt have to come naturally to you.

---------- Post added 7th Nov 2016 at 05:42 AM ----------

I'd also add along the way I've gone to gay meet ups, hung out in gay bars and gotten myself comfortable in doing so. I'm more comfortable than I have ever been around gay epeolle so maybe that's what you should try and do. Go out and meet people and see if you share any muting in common. I found that most people's experience was different to mine i.e. Always knew they were gay from a young age and knew during their formative years. My experience was more it coming out of the blue as an idea when I was 21. when did you start questioning? It took me 15 years to even 'try it out' so the sooner you get out there and see how it fits the better. Maybe you'll like it, maybe you won't but get yourself out there.

I was even in a gay relationship for a while but realised that it wasn't for me. I even can hang out with the guy now and even he kissed a guy in front of me on a night out and I was totally ok with it. It didn't bother me at all. I was pleased for him.

 

Congratulations on quitting pot and nicotine!

Yes, you are correct that not being romantically attracted to guys at this point is inconclusive and cannot be used as evidence that you are straight. If you are sexually attracted to guys, then you have the capacity to become romantically attracted to guys as well once you get more comfortable with your sexuality.

I don't have a clear read on what you need at this point, so I'm going to throw out a bunch of clarifying questions.

Can you say more about the 2 hookups? You may need more than 2 hookups to start getting comfortable with your sexuality. Also realize that hookups range from ho-hum to amazing, and you're not going to click with every guy you're with.

Can you say more about your upbringing? Did you grow up in a homophobic environment that might foster denial? Did you ever have crushes on guys during puberty or high school?

Do you have a gay or LGBT therapist? If not, finding one might help with your therapy sessions.

If your denial is strong and you are sufficiently bisexual, then it's possible that you have developed a very strong desire to be normal such that the love that you feel for your ex- is real. The pertinent question is whether your sexual (and eventually romantic) attraction to guys stronger?

Do you feel that a sense of being overwhelmed that's contributing to your sleep problems? If so, perhaps it would help for you to break things into smaller baby steps.

 

Yep, we talk all the time and we see each other around once a week. She's my closest friend. I feel like I'd be lost without her in my life, although she's been seeing other people. She knows my whole story and accepts me as I am. I still love her and want the best for her no matter what -- even if it's not me. I often feel heartbroken over leaving her, but I can't bring myself to re-initiate the relationship since I feel that my sexuality remains unresolved. I'm stuck in a kind of limbo.

I can also identify with you on jerking off to both kinds of porn. Over the years, I've evolved a pretty specific masturbation ritual. Without getting too graphic, it starts with a bottoming fantasy with a man, and ends with a fantasy of dominating a woman. So, yeah, confusion abounds.

And I also have a similar response with meeting guys. The closer I get to meeting someone for a date or something, the less interested I become. It's like the fantasy works great, but once I bring it into reality, with a real man, it starts to fall apart.

Sometimes I consider trying to date women again. But the thought of being on a date with a girl and having all this crazy shit in my head is really disheartening. I'd feel like a con man, selling a lie. Not that guys don't lie to girls all the time. It's just not my style.

So, here I sit...

 

I think this is significant and we need to not brush past this so quickly.

OP: Please say more about this. We can excuse the last couple of sentences because this was a new experience for you and probably awkward. If you gave oral sex on a guy and received as well (both to orgasm? both finish in mouth?) and came away from the experience with viewing it as nice, then it appears you are not straight. Yes answers to my questions in parentheses make that even more so. I think very few straight guys would engage in this and call it nice.

 

When I first started to question my sexuality I thought this, and probably part of me has the fear it could turn out to be 'all in my head' and then what i do I have.

But the more I have accepted myself the more vivid, romantic and intimate the fantasies have become.

---------- Post added 8th Nov 2016 at 06:45 PM ----------

porn addiction and fantasies can really skew you.Have you tried taking a break from it? I did when I was trying to sort out my sexuality. At the very least I can 't blame it on porn anymore.

 

I'm still mulling over your responses. In the meantime you may want to take Chip's masturbation challenge in order to get clarity about your sexual orientation.

Once you've completed this, feel free to post the results here. This should be a piece of cake after posting the intimate details of your 2 hookups

 

Has anyone trademarked The Masturbation Challenge? Sounds like a reality show waiting to happen. Or at least a web series.

 

Ahh, yes, blowjobs do feel nice. (!)

I agree with the Masturbation Challenge. It does help to clarify your attractions.

 

For my two cents I would say it seems to me that so many guys who struggle with this issue just are not allowing themselves to feel what they truly feel deep down inside for many reasons (religious training, family pressures, career/job pressures, etc., etc.). We are so strongly brainwashed by society to think "straight" and act "straight" and be "straight" that we subconsciously simply cannot allow ourselves the freedom to seriously entertain the notion that we might be gay or bi or whatever. I remember that for years when I first started to struggle with this myself I was absolutely convinced that I was bi (although I had never had sex with anyone---male or female). I wasn't bi, I just couldn't allow myself to even consider that I might be gay because of the usual reasons. It was safer and less stressful to me to just say that I was bi. What a terrific thing it was when I finally ALLOWED myself to consider that I was gay...not conclude that I was gay, but just allow myself to think that I might be. This gave me the clarity and the mental "space" to finally see that I was indeed gay. You can't really look at this objectively if right off the bat you keep thinking "I'm not gay, I'm not gay, I'm not gay."
If you are truly unsure of your sexuality, that's fine, but if you are just using the questioning to try and convince yourself that you are not gay then you're just using the confusion as a smoke screen. It's like if you feel attracted to the same sex, but you just can't accept it, then "pretending" that you are confused is easier than just accepting that you like guys. Just like it's easier to think you are bi than to accept that you are gay. It's like a process--we always go for the lesser of two evils to avoid making a final decision. We like men, but we can't admit that we are just plain and simply gay, so we say we are confused about it, which allows us the safety of going back and forth on the issue: "I might be gay," "Nah I can't be," "but maybe I am," "no way, I'm not gay." Then we finally have enough courage or whatever to admit we find men sexually attractive but we still can't admit we might be gay so we allow ourselves to think "well, yea, I like guys, but I also like women, so I'm not gay I'm bi." In other words, we aren't really confused about our sexuality, we know deep, deep down inside that we are gay, but we just can't allow ourselves to accept it so we use the excuse of being confused about it as a safety net. If you believe you are confused about it, then that allows you to avoid the painful situation of once and for all accepting that we are gay.

Does this make any sense at all?

 

I suggested the Masturbation Challenge because I don't have a clear read on your sexual preference. You say you are not straight and get excited by gay porn yet you also said "I'll take a shirtless girl over a shirtless guy any day of the week." You also said that you haven't crushed on a guy, which seems a little weird. Maybe you crushed on a guy and misread it? For example, I admired guys in HS who had girlfriends. Today I can say that I had a crush on the guy with the GF, but my brain misinterpreted the gay signal at the time. Clearly you learned growing up that being gay was a source of shame, so it's possible that you have suppressed your gay feelings. I wouldn't rule out the possibility that you are bisexual. Google "Kinsey scale" to learn more about the range of gay, straight, and bisexual.

I think trying to go on dates with guys is a good idea - just realize that clicking with a guy on a date tells you something about your sexuality whereas not clicking on a date is less conclusive. It means the guy wasn't a match. You're not going to click with every guy, so figuring out your type is very important. Once you find a guy who is your type, :wow:

Overcoming your anxiety by taking baby steps is the approach that I used to expand my comfort zone. Over time the size of the step will grow until you've developed quite a bit of muscle. Keep it up.

Your experience with the BJ was similar to mine. First time I gave a BJ I wasn't repulsed by it nor did I fully enjoy it. It will take a few more times (ideally with a regular FWB or BF) before you really start getting into it. Today I love exchanging BJs with my BF.

 

One caveat. Porn addiction skew your sexual tastes
I was pretty freaked out about the possibility that I was gay, so I explored other theories. One was porn addiction can lead to sexual urges that are totally out of touch with your core orientation. Straight guys get addicted to gay porn, there are even cases of gay guys getting addicted to straight porn, and there's darker side which I don't have to go into here.

So if you do have an addiction see how long you can take a break. That said, I took a break. I was secretly hoping it would confirm that I was straight but it made me realize I am gay.