A couple of you good friends have seen me posting over on the gender board...but i feel like posting here could help me bounce some feelings off of you guys because I'm trying to look at how my gender questions and sexuality overlap. I just can't seem to get a handle on who I am. My journey in coming out, and understanding and finally embracing my feelings for women has provided so much relief and has made me feel so much clearer in some ways. But I'm starting to realise that I still have so many questions about who I am, and mostly these questions centre around my gender. And for some reason every time I think about my gender, I start to feel really confused about what my feelings really have been for men through my life. Those questions don't seem to be related, but for whatever reason those questions always seem to be present at the same time... I have always known that I feel a disconnect with my biological gender. It's been a question that's sort of been stuck there in my head all of my life. I've never really understood why I don't quite feel like a girl/woman, why I feel so much like a boy/guy in some ways. My body doesn't quite feel like it's wired to have the parts it has either. Alot of these feelings seem to be getting stronger and stronger, but the more I feel and the more I think about my gender the more confused I seem to be. I just at this point have no idea what my feelings mean, and it's left me feeling uneasy and a bit lost... at this point, my sexuality is feeling a bit unclear as well. What I do know is that I feel more drawn to women, a richer connection, greater desire, more emotional depth in my attraction to women. I feel drawn to people in the blurry lines of gender as well, people who are gender queer or non binary identifying. I suppose I understand that that's my "orientation". But i feel like there are feelings that exist for guys as well, but I don't know anymore what those feelings are. I'm not sure how to put my finger on what my questions or confusion are in that area... I sound so utterly mixed up and confused, I know. Does anyone have any insight or thoughts om how to sift through all of these questions...?
well, there's a lot there. really there are no easy answers and, at least for me, an ongoing journey of self discovery. having a psychologist who specializes in sex and gender has really helped me, along with being around people who are in various stages of questioning/transition (support group). one of my biggest tools is introspection, looking inward and allowing my mind to float free has brought many things to the fore, some I reject, some I embrace, and some I make peace with and let go. it's a form of free meditation. therapy can help with that too, for example; my last session with my therapist we looked at where I sit on the gender continuum, and she asked; if you won the lotto or had a magic wand, what would you do? how would u like to be/look? I smiled, get my hair back, fix my smile, loose the body hair, get boobs, hips/bum, maybe FFS and....... just be female...... she smiled and said; "no cis male would ever say, 'just be female'...." if he could be anything that he would be a woman... im still smiling at this.
Gender, sexual attraction and, romantic attraction can each be anywhere on the rainbow, and they don't always agree with each other and/or the body you happened to be born into. You don't have to be all one gender, or even either of the conventional two. You can be both or neither. You can be mostly one and, have a bit of the other at times, there are no rules, even if society wants us to think there are. Gender is internal, you are who your mind says you are.
Sorry it's taken me so long to come back to this thread. Lookingforme, that sounds like an amazing therapy session. I'm starting to build those pieces of support for myself in terms of exploring my gender. I'm seeing someone this week at my local LGBT centre who usually works on all of the gender/trans resources and events. And I'm starting to make friends who are gender questioning, gender queer, trans. It's helping me feel less alone, and giving me a place to start to sort through things. In terms of looking inward...I feel that my heart is telling me things that I've always kind of known...but I'm still having trouble putting them into the context of my life as I know it now. I have for instance been feeling as if I'm grieving a little (and this may sound weird) but at the loss of the little boy I once was. I don't know if I can think of myself st this point as a man. But part of me knows that I've always been a guy...but I've also been feminine in some ways. I'm feeling a bit like starting a new thread to write out some of the thoughts in a more organised way, because even in the last few days I've been doing a lot of thinking... ---------- Post added 7th Nov 2016 at 07:45 PM ---------- I do feel as if my gender and my sexuality are all over the rainbow in some respect In terms of gender...I'm feeling at this point a strong tie to both male and female. Part of me feels like my identity as s gay woman almost completely fits, but part of me feels like I'm kind of a dude. I don't feel like my gender can be neatly packed into one box or another. I mentioned that I've been sort of reevaluating my feelings towards men. This is going to sound s but weird but I think part of me wonders if my feelings of comfort around guys is partially because I identify so much with men. It has in some ways been easy to fall into relationships with guys for that reason, even though it has never felt quite right. I'm still really confused about those relationships though... I have such a strong vision of myself in my future, holding and being held by a woman, making a life, a partnership with her. But I think that there are still nuances in my sexuality, where I feel something for some guys... it's a bit confusing. I realise now I'm just speaking in circles...
I want you to look REALLY hard here, Jedi. You don't have to answer right away, feel free to meditate if you need to. It may be hard to answer. How do you picture YOURSELF in this future, deep down inside? Are you a man or a woman? Something in between? For me, I've come to the conclusion that I do not picture myself being a man in my ideal future. When I picture myself finally finding that special someone, falling in love, and settling down, I picture myself doing so as a woman. When I get married, I don't want to be a dashing prince in a suit. No, for that day, that one day, I want to be a pretty princess in a dress, falling into the arms of my prince OR princess. I don't want to be a father, never have, but I would definitely want to be a mom. I want to be someone's wife, mother, sister, daughter, etc. Look deep inside, your answer is there.
This is a great question cluster... and I think I'm going to have to think deeply about it over time. I don't have an answer right now. But I can say how I see myself in the near future, maybe a year's time, while I'm still exploring my gender. I'll probably be packing, binding as these are things I've started feeling a strong need to do. Wearing men's clothes. I realised I cannot wear things like dresses or skirts anymore, they make me unhappy and feel wrong on me. I've been working on building my wardrobe a bit. I will have short hair, which I already have. Sitting, standing and moving in the way I fee it's comfortable, trying to allow myself to be ok being me abd. It teying to move mire femininely. But... I suppose I still see myself in that future with a gentle face, maybe even eye makeup. ? And I suppose this is as far as I get. ---------- Post added 8th Nov 2016 at 02:11 AM ---------- *not trying to move more femininely
It's okay, you'll find the answer when you're ready. Maybe you're just a butch lesbian. Maybe you are trans. Who knows? And just because you're trans doesn't mean you can't be a slightly more feminine man. I wrestled with that a bit, cause I still like some things about the way I dress, and felt like I'd be more of a tomboy. It doesn't matter, I still feel like I'm a woman and want to be seen and treated as such. I still want the physical characteristics of a female, not those of a male. How I end up dressing doesn't matter. Though ironically, since I realized this, I've noticed I'm starting to towards more feminine clothes. I'm looking for a skirt and will probably live in them. Though admittedly that has a lot to do with not having to tuck....:lol:
