Right now I wish I could just take a pill...

If I am correct, you wish you could take a pill and your emotions go away? I feel the same way to. I wish I could take a pill and bam all my feelings over my crush go away and she never enters my mind again.

 

For the longest time I held out on coming out for hope that I would become straight. I get what you mean. It's better to just know the answer with 100% certainty and move on. That way you aren't stuck worrying about what could have been, and focus on being as happy as can be given what you have. Sometimes I'm still unsure if my coming out is being delayed by my desire to be "normal" or if I'm putting it off because I don't want to add drama to my family during a holiday or period of stress.

 

There is no normal... Trust me. I fought with myself over this exact issue for years. Being Transgender... I fought with my female side for years. It caused tremendous undue stress, anxiety, anger... When I finally got the courage to shed my mask... Only then was I truly at peace.

 

If only there was a test that determined your sexuality that everyone had to take. That would be so awesome.

 

This is very simple. Stop indulging your doubts and start taking baby steps. You'll figure out your orientation a lot faster this way than by fretting over it. Would you rather just dip your toe in water or just dive right in?

• Decide that you want to be gay.
• Start meeting gay guys to create a network of gay friends and to start figuring out what you want in your guy.
• Start taking baby steps towards your goals.
  • Start going to gay bars
  • Start going to LGBT meetups for activities that interest you.
  • Start going to a support group for people coming out later in life.
  • Start participating on hookup sites, even if just to chat and make friends.
  • Start participating on dating sites.
• Learn how to challenge or ignore your doubts and just do it.

Once you start acting gay on a regular and consistent basis, your confidence and certainty will increase.

 

What if you don't want to be gay?

 

Fortunately the OP wants to be gay per his previous post.

Unfortunately, you are a much tougher nut to crack because you don't want to be gay and are smart enough to effectively self sabotage but not wise enough to stop yourself.

My advice would be basically the same once we get past your resistance. It's a very simple process made complicated by the lies we tell ourselves. Once you peel away the lies, you will discover simplicity. Just be gay.

 

You don't need a pill to make the hesitancy go away. You have the power within you! Push yourself to do the uncomfortable by taking baby steps. You will build momentum and make the hesitancy go away.

FJ - What is causing you to be hesitant and sabotage your progress, if not your doubts?

 

There are many gay men who feel similarly about women, although I am not one of them. It is common for men to become more effeminate after coming out, and I am one of them. It happens naturally as you start to engage with other gay men in the LGBT community. Why does this cause you to be hesitant and sabotage your progress?

Here's where baby steps can help. Focus on the private times (kissing, snuggling, and sleeping together). Holding hands in public is an advanced move because it is a very public declaration about your sexuality. This was tough even for me I've held hands with an ex-BF in an LGBT-friendly urban setting no problem. Finding the courage to hold hands or show affection in public with my current BF closer to home in suburbia (like while grocery shopping) was a little more challenging until I made a conscious decision that my love for him is greater than any perceived fears of what people think.

You see this as one last fling with heterosexuality that causes you to cling to heterosexuality and stall your progress?

HTH

 

So, what's holding you back from going to a gay bar tonight?

 

Regarding mindreading, I was married when I came out, so I experienced a different flavor of denial (I enjoy sex with my wife so I must not be gay). I've been on EC long enough to recognize you were doing something similar (trying to point to a reason why you're not gay), which is why I appear to have super human mindreading powers. In reality, I've already travelled the path you're on.

Regarding fear, the suggestions I made in #7 still apply. To reduce your fear, you need to break things into smaller baby steps so you can expand your comfort zone. Taking baby steps will reduce your fear because things won't seem as scary. You'll stop rationalizing and just start doing the things that you need to do in order to accept yourself and get over the fears of being gay.

---------- Post added 6th Nov 2016 at 01:57 PM ----------

This sounds like great progress. I would make a goal of either going to a gay bar or LGBT meetup this week AND chat with one or two guys online (either through a hookup or dating app, your choice). In all cases, all you need to do is chat as friends. No requirement to hookup or go out on a date unless you feel that you click. These activities are designed to get you to start engaging with the LGBT community.

At this point you control your own rate of acceptance by how hard you are willing to push yourself to do scary things that make you feel uncomfortable. Coming out at midlife is not easy; it requires hard work of pushing yourself to do things. Eventually it becomes easier and the things that you need to do become more fun (!).

Stick with it and keep on posting to EC and you'll have a BF in no time.