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Panic over sexuality one year into great marriage

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Questionsabound, Nov 6, 2016.

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  1. Questionsabound

    Questionsabound
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    Hi everyone. I'm new to this group, I have been dealing with a lot, and I would like to put everything out there to get thoughtful feedback from you all.

    (Prepare for a long post.)

    I'm a 32-year-old guy who has only been with women sexually. I got married to a beautiful, amazing woman who I am deeply in love with just over a year ago. We bought a condo together 9 months ago. We don't have kids but have talked about having them. We have an excellent relationship and we are deeply in love with each other.

    Three months ago, on the night of our first wedding anniversary, after she fell asleep, I smoked weed and had a giant panic attack over my sexual orientation.

    When this occurred, we were on vacation and I realized I had been checking out several men on the beach, and while walking around Provincetown, Massachusetts (a very gay community). I also fantasized about meeting a man (no one in particular) in our hotel sauna and jerking each other off. This was only the second time in my life that I ever had a serious gay fantasy like this.

    All of this information basically exploded in my head at one time while I was high on marijuana — and after a year of unrelenting stress at work. It dawned on me that, in my day-to-day life, I had been fantasizing about men more than women and I had not ever realized that was what I was doing until this incident.

    In the following six weeks I dealt with severe debilitating anxiety and depression, severe insomnia, and could barely function or eat. I am seeing a therapist weekly and taking an antidepressant now, which has helped a lot. I confided in two close friends; and I told my mom the gist of it. However, my issues remain unresolved.

    My wife has been incredibly understanding, but she doesn't know the whole story. She knows my anxiety issues — which I was forced to tell her about given that I could barely function for weeks and would burst into tears for no apparent reason in front of her — stemmed from questions about my sexuality, along with whether or not I am ready for us to have a baby and other insecurities I have about myself.

    I admitted to her that I was "freaked out" over being attracted to "some men" we saw on vacation during the weekend of our anniversary. She was very understanding about that, and said she has attractions to women sometimes too. However, my anxiety continued quite severely for a few weeks; and when I could not give her a definitive "I'm not gay" during this time she became very emotional. One night, in order to end a hellish living situation that was taking a mental and physical toll on both of us, I told her what I believed to be true at the time: That I think I'm attracted to men sometimes but I don't think I'm gay. I said I don't want to be in a relationship with a man and sexual acts among men are revolting to me, even though I am very accepting of gay people — all of which is true. (One of my best friends is gay.) She accepted this, it stopped the tension in our house and I was finally able to sleep at night.

    However, now that it's been six weeks since we had this discussion, she keeps asking me how everything is going in therapy. I am basically not telling her anything or beating around the bush, and she is getting upset about this. I know if I tell her everything — and part of me wants to — that it will open a can of worms and we will go back to living in hell, with her being emotional and insecure about whether or not I'm gay and whether this marriage is going to last. At least now, I am the one holding most of the anxiety and I'm not dumping it on to her while I figure myself out.

    Right now I feel like I am bisexual, even though I have never been with a guy sexually. But part of me wonders if I am just lying to myself, and that maybe I am gay and just can't admit it. On the other hand, I can't imagine not being sexual with women anymore, or giving up my wife. I really enjoy having sex with women. I also think that, if my wife and I break up over this, what if it turns out that I want to date women? If I try out guys and don't like it and want to go back to women, how devastating would that be to me — in the sense that, I just gave up the perfect woman, my wife, to explore being gay for a couple months? I also feel that men seem more attractive to me from afar, and that when I get closer to them in terms of physical proximity, I think "ew, how could you want to be with a man sexually?" What is very much bothering me is that I realized I was noticing men more on the street or in public, especially during the summer months.

    I truly love my wife. In life, I have been my happiest with her. I am attracted to her and we have a good sex life. A huge part of me thinks I'm crazy to want to talk to her about this and risk losing everything. I think to myself: Men are gross. You might actually throw away your marriage to your beautiful soul mate because you might be attracted to guys? She leaves you and then what? Loneliness? Cheap, anonymous sex with men? I can't ever see myself in a relationship with a guy; and I think even if I got to that point where I could accept it, it would never be anything like what I have now.

    Also, I have not ever jerked off to gay porn. How can I tell my wife I might be gay or bi when I can't even jerk off to gay porn? I have watched it a few times to try to see if it will get me excited in any way, and so far it just hasn't done it for me. I think what I get attracted to is just looking at some naked men. The only thing that I can really jerk off to — and what instantly gets me aroused — is seeing a man and a woman have sex.

    I recently have been exploring personal ads on Craigslist solely out of curiosity. I started thinking that if I really wanted to explore my sexuality, the situation that brings out the biggest turn-on in me is being involved in a threesome with a man and a woman. I wouldn't mind touching the guy and even stroking his penis; but I would very much like to get oral from a woman, go down on her, have intercourse, play with her tits — all the fun parts about straight sex that I absolutely love.

    To close out this post...

    I feel incredibly guilty every day. I feel like I am lying by omission. I feel like the longer I take to tell my wife what is going on, the longer I prevent her from doing what she wants to do with her life if that does not involve me. She wants to have a baby at some point and she is almost 35 — her biological clock is ticking. She is the only person I would ever consider having a kid with, but I am so consumed by whether or not I am lying to myself about my sexuality. I also don't want to lose her; and it kills me to think of her finding a new man and marrying someone else while I'm sitting alone in some shitty apartment by myself jerking off the straight porn because I thought I might have been gay and couldn't handle a happy, normal, heterosexual marriage because I can't cut it as a straight person. I feel like I'm throwing away the best thing that has ever happened to me.

    And I feel absolutely horrible that I am putting her though all this bullshit.

    The problem is I can't live with this constant anxiety, fear, shame, and guilt. I feel very stuck and not sure what to do.

    Ahh!:bang:
     
    #1 Questionsabound, Nov 6, 2016
  2. myskyharbor

    myskyharbor
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    Firstly, sorry you're dealing with all this. I understand how dark these times can be. I'm very much so still working through my own sexuality and in that process left a girl I truly loved. Very heartbreaking. However, I'll say this.. based on what you just shared, I don't think you're gay. If you were attracted to gay porn in the comfort of being by yourself, that'd be one thing, but you're not. Unless there's some real deep seated repression going on and you actually are aroused by gay porn but not allowing yourself to be, I wouldn't sweat it. Sounds like the OCD version of questioning your sexuality and the fact that weed brought it on is not a surprise. Has your therapist brought up this possibility to you?

    Once again, sorry you're going through stress around this. I understand how hard it can be. Again.. sounds to me like you're straight. Straight porn does it for you, your wife does it for you, gay porn doesn't do it for you, the idea of being with a man doesn't do it for you. Pretty cut and dry to me!
     
    #2 myskyharbor, Nov 7, 2016
  3. nerdbrain

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    Sounds like OCD to me. Check out this article:

    OCDOnline.com
     
    #3 nerdbrain, Nov 7, 2016
  4. I'm gay

    I'm gay
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    The vast majority of gay men knew they had sexual attraction to men near the time of puberty. That doesn't mean it can't happen later, but it isn't the norm. Porn is a poor indicator. Your fantasies while masturbating sans porn is a better indicator.

    I would think that if you are turned off by the idea of being sexual with a man, you never experienced attraction before now, you seem to be obsessing about it with little evidence of attraction, and you absolutely love straight sex (your words), then the likelihood is that you are probably not gay. It is certainly possible that you are bisexual. This would potentially explain your confusing thoughts about your sexuality. In your post, you seem to have placed a binary fork in the road- either gay or straight. I think you should consider bisexuality.

    Ultimately, only you can decide your sexuality. The unfortunate part here is that you are under pressure to figure this out quickly because of your wife's desire to start a family. That may not be possible, however. These things take time and I would suggest that you not start a family before figuring this out.

    Take care. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
    #4 I'm gay, Nov 7, 2016
  5. Chip

    Chip
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    First, I completely understand the anxiety and difficulty you're experiencing. It must be very, very upsetting to you, and I can imagine it feels like you're stuck in a situation with no good solution. So the first thing I'd suggest is to take a breath and realize that, however this plays out, it will eventually work out for you. We don't know how yet, but it will.

    Second, some clarifications: (a) What you are describing doesn't at all sound like it meets the clinical definition for OCD. I'd toss that idea. (b) there are plenty of men (of which I'm one) who had no idea they were gay until their 20s, 30s, even 40s and beyond. It isn't as common as those who knew early in life, but it's not at all uncommon.

    So where does this leave you? If I were in your situation, I can pretty much guarantee you that I'd have the same sort of uncontrollable anxiety you're experiencing. You've come to a realization about yourself, and you can't yet fully understand what it means for your life. That would give anyone anxiety, so there's nothing wrong with what you're feeling. The challenge is to begin to work through what's really going on.

    It is probably safe to say you aren't 100% straight. That means you're like about 90% of men out there (only about 10% of the population, according to the Kinsey scale, are all the way at one end or the other, everyone else is somewhere on the continuum.)

    Now... whether you're closer to the straight end, the gay end, or somewhere in the middle is what you need to work through. And one piece of the puzzle is this: If, in fact, you are bi or closer to gay, then, with this information only recently being in your awareness, it's going to cause not only anxiety, but your conscious mind's first impulse is going to be to reject that idea. When we process any loss (in this case, loss of being totally straight), we go through stages: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. They aren't always sequential, and it can take anywhere from hours to a year or more to go through the stages.

    So if we look at your situation in that light, it might be difficult for you to fully understand what's going on right now, because part of you may not want to really accept what it might mean if you are, in fact, bisexual or toward the gay end of the spectrum.

    What is most important here is taking time and being sure of what you want. I'd agree that starting a family before you work this through would be unwise. Also (I hate to say this), but it is possible that part of your wife's pressure to start a family is a desire (likely an unconscious one) on her part to basically "lock you in"... if you have a kid, in her mind, you're less likely to leave her. No judgment or blame there, it's just something that has to be considered as a possibility.

    I also concur that porn is a terrible indicator of sexual orientation. But equally vexing here is the role your conscious mind is playing: if you don't want to be gay, and don't want to confront the idea that this marriage not be right, your mind is going to put up all sorts of roadblocks.

    One way that can often get around that is to masturbate without porn and imagine yourself being with another guy... the sauna scenario you described or whatever you think might excite you. And then in another session, imagine yourself with your wife (or whatever other woman really excites you.) Try this a few times, back and forth. And then, try masturbating without any preconceived fantasies and just see what fantasies naturally come to your mind... is it guys or girls? both?

    Usually if you practice that for a week or so, you'll start to get a clearer picture of where your fantasies give you the strongest arousal. Now... if you find that guys are arousing you, it's also quite likely that, immediately after orgasm, you'll feel really disgusted. That is your conscious kicking in to reject what is going on in the unconscious, but it is the experience you're having while masturbating that is generally the most reliable indicator.

    It would not be unexpected to find out you're bisexual. And because of the impact of the conscious desire to not be gay, we can't rule out the idea that you're gay either (which could be blocking your ability to openly feel attraction.) But... first things first.

    I think the one overriding thing is... take your time. Don't rush into any decision. And as hard as it may be, don't let your wife's insistence or desire for a family push you into a decision... give a read to our "later in life" section to find out what happens when people get pushed into decisions too quickly. It just makes for an enormous mess later. So as difficult as it is, your wife will have to be patient.

    Also, since you are in therapy... how is that working for you? If you've been with a therapist for 3 months, I'd expect some pretty good headway in discussing this issue. If you're comfortable talking more about that, it might help you get more input. Not all therapists are good at helping people explore sexuality, and not all therapists are good, period. I'm not saying yours is bad... just inquiring as to how well the therapeutic relationship is working for you and what's happening in therapy.

    I hope the above is helpful!
     
    #5 Chip, Nov 8, 2016
    Questionsabound likes this.
  6. Mifora

    Mifora
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    This is me too, except that I am a woman married to a man. We have a child and I actually started questioning while I was pregnant. Writing it makes me feel like I'm crazy. Starting a family is really scary, and you feel like you have to be 100 percent certain that you are with the right partner and the relationship is going to last forever. But no matter what your sexual orientation is, you can never be completely sure what will happen in the future. I think having a child or thinking about it can contribute to your anxiety. That's how it was for me.

    Have you considered showing you wife this post? It sounds like she is doing her best to support you. You are really brave for having been so honest with her already.
     
    #6 Mifora, Nov 8, 2016
  7. Mifora

    Mifora
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    One thing that helps me in the questioning process is to accept that I might be gay, and that if I am, I want to find out, and I will be happy about it and have a great life. Try to feel good about whatever conclusion you might reach, and then it will be easier to be honest with yourself.

    This site is really helpful if you are trying to figure out your sexual orientation:

    The Ultimate Sexual Orientation Test: Straight, Gay, or in Between?

    If you are a man and you have just one gay fantasy, people assume that you must be 100 percent gay. It is not true. You might be bisexual, and if you are, you can still be married and monogamous if you want to. Take a look at this:

    Mark Bentley Cohen | Supporting Bisexuals, Bisexual Spouses, Bisexual Partners, and All Things Relating to Bisexuality
     
    #7 Mifora, Nov 8, 2016
  8. Justasking100

    Justasking100
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    You say you love your wife, are sexually attracted to her, don't get aroused by gay porn and had a non specific gay fantasy when high. You seem to be pretty straight and getting things a little out of proportion. I assume the rest of you life has been filled with straight fantasies, your teenage years? That's when the vast majority of gay men start fantasising about men because it just comes naturally to them at that age. There are exceptions I'm sure but you seem straight.

    Also you were taking drugs when this all started. I'd stop them. I'd also try and give yourself some headspace and try out some mindfulness meditation to relax you. On the face of it you seem pretty straight and in love with your wife so I wouldn't rush to make any major decisions and do what you can to stay with her.

    I ended a relationship due to me. Thinking I was gay and caused a major upheaval in a number of people's lives. Take your time, relax as much as possible and I'd focus on the love you have for your wife.
     
    #8 Justasking100, Nov 8, 2016
  9. Nickw

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    Hey Questionsabound

    Hi and welcome. You are getting some great advice. Several posters suggested not panicking over this. Take the deep breaths that Chip mentioned. No one can make good, accurate, assessments when they are in a state of severe anxiety.

    I wonder if a timeout on this is a good idea. It may not seem like it to you; but speaking as someone who is 20 plus years older than you. You have some time. At one point in my own journey, I made a conscious decision to just shelve my obsessions over my sexuality and how it affected my marriage. Not denial or suppression...I would not recommend that. More a way to organize how I dealt with it. What I did was "procrastinate on the worrying". To do this, I set a date where I could start worrying and obsessing again while I got on with some other goals. When that date arrived, I took it up again, but it was so much easier to deal with it because the anxiety had eased. I mentioned my technique to my therapist and he was on board with it. I would talk to your therapist to see if this could work for you. I think I took a couple months.

    I'm a bisexual. I hate straight and gay porn. I find it repulsive. I would leave the porn alone. And, contrary to the advice by several posters here, I am not sure I would test my sexuality with a fantasy life while masturbating to see what turns you on more. Not while you are so anxious for sure.

    If you are bisexual, it is not a curse. I was monogamous for 34 years with my wife and pretty happy with our sex life and my attraction to her. It wasn't until she no longer desired sex that my bisexuality was even an issue except that I wasn't honest with her about it and kept it hidden. Even though I am now sexually active with men (with my wife's blessing), I still don't desire my wife any less.

    You are way ahead of me at your age in that you are able to have these conversations with your wife. The honesty and vulnerability that it produces will serve you well if you should discover that you really are a bisexual. The therapy is also so important in getting through your anxiety and depression.

    Keep posting here. As you work through this, there are several married bisexuals on this forum who can share more details of what it is like to live as a bisexual in a long term heterosexual marriage. It is not, necessarily a bad thing. It just is what it is.
     
    #9 Nickw, Nov 8, 2016
  10. justaguyinsf

    justaguyinsf
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    It doesn't sound like you're gay, bi, or really outside of the norm in that pretty much everyone fantasizes about sex with someone of the same gender at some point in their lives. It sounds like OCD and/or an anxiety disorder that is triggered by random thoughts about other guys or being someplace where gay men are found in greater numbers. Luckily OCD and anxiety can be treated with meds and some forms of psychotherapy. It sounds like you've been honorably forthcoming to your wife but it doesn't sound like a basis to feel guilty or to break-up; instead the OCD and anxiety issues just need to be brought under control.
     
    #10 justaguyinsf, Nov 8, 2016
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