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Falling in love with someone not my husband

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Romancer, Nov 9, 2016.

  1. Romancer

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    Yes, I should have known better, but I think I am falling in love with a beautiful Latin hunk 13 years younger than myself: I am 57, he is 44. (I do have to say that if my primary relationship were better, this probably would not have happened.) We met in Key West in September and hit it off incredibly well. He is really into older light skinned men and has a personality that just took my breath away. The sex was the best I have had in years...but the best part was just holding each other afterwards.

    In many ways. this new "friend" is the exact opposite of my husband, quiet, introspective, a little shy, and modest. My husband was also in Key West and knows this man and I had sex (we have always had an open relationship) and he was ok with it, but he hit the ceiling when he found out that my Latin buddy and I were seeming to become more than just fuck buddies (he "accidentally" saw emails I had sent to to the guy.) Incidentally, my Latin friend lives in Florida-I am in New York state so ALL of our contact since Key West has been no more than texting and a few phone calls. My husband calls it an "affair."

    I am totally messed up over this, my husband and I have a long history with the "break up/make up" cycle, and we have had and are having major relationship problems. I just don't know what to do. What if I tell my new friend I can't play any more to satisfy my hubby and then my husband and I breakup again (and for me that would be the LAST time)? I'm 57, how many more times can I expect to find a younger man as sexy and loving and compatible as my new friend?

    Sorry for the long post but I am seriously in need of advice....or a tongue-lashing.
     
  2. JonSomebody

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    In my opinion...I just feel that if anyone is committed to someone and find themselves interested in someone else while in that relationship. Then I think they should end that relationship instead of dragging their committed partner through the mud so to speak. Just free yourself from the relationship in order to feel free to be with whomever. From what I know about open relationships...they tend to never be what they crack up to be. When being in an open relationship...both parties are on the same page as to what is expected during the relationship. However, more than likely...you tend to meet someone who you have an enormous amount of chemistry as opposed to your partner and they are more captivating than your partner as well which eventually causes difficulty and problems within that relationship. My final point is that if you see that your husband is not happy with you and this guy having contact with each other then that has to tell you that you are having big problems in your relationship. However, again...if you are focusing on this new guy at this point..I really think you should break up with your husband and not have him go through no more than what he already has. Just my opinion. It comes a point and time where you just can't have your cake and eat it too...it tends to get old after awhile.
     
  3. SiennaFire

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    You are willing to throw away your marriage so you can have a chance at a fling with a 44 year old? Perhaps you want to try and think this through from a place of integrity.

    If you and your husband have ground rules about your open relationship (such as sex and no more), then you are clearly violating those ground rules and he has every right to be upset. I would stop the fling with the 44 year old not to satisfy your husband but to honor the commitment that you made to the marriage.

    It sounds like you and your husband would benefit from couples therapy from an LGBT therapist to figure out what's behind the long history of the "break up/make up" cycle. This seems to be the crux of the problem. The 44 year old is giving you something that you need but your husband is not, and this is really a call to action to fix or end the marriage.
     
    #3 SiennaFire, Nov 9, 2016
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2016
  4. CubbieBlue

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    I have to say I agree with SiennaFire. From what I've read about open relationships, it's very important to follow the ground rules (or agreement if you don't like the word rules). You mentioned your husband is your primary relationship. Have you talked to him about what is bothering him most about your new lover? I've also read that it's important to revise the ground rules often, or have check-ins with your primary so that you can avoid hurting each other. Communication is important in any relationship, but it sounds as if open relationships really benefit from communication.
     
  5. DAFriend

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    it's a decision only you can make but, you do need to make it. We can't control who our hearts love. I've been there and, I chose the "affair" over my ex. That was the right choice for me.

    Talk with your husband CALMLY, an open marriage is great and, some of us are polyamourous. All well and good if your spouse can deal with it but, if it's an issue for them, you have to talk and, decide together how to handle it. If you can't have both, then you have to decide what you think will be best for everyone involved.

    Keep your "affair" in the loop as well, this affects him too and, his input should be valuable to you, if you value that relationship.
     
  6. Romancer

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    Cubbie and DA...Thanks for your advice. I think you both make great points. My husband and I have been talking and he does not want me to shut "Mr. Affair" completely out of my life, which is to his credit. I really think if we can control our anger with each other this could turn into something beneficial for both of us.

    Stay tuned for the thrilling episode!
     
  7. CubbieBlue

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    That's great to hear!