It's been almost 2 years since I joined ECs. Man what a journey. I've gone from pure horror when ECs Home page came up on my computer the first time. When I saw 2 guys hugging, you know the pic with one fellow wearing a blue black sweat shirt, I panicked and closed the page. Today I don't give a fuck who sees me on ECs. Last week I found a second (mental) key. This key went to a lock on a second closet door within a closet. I was reading in the book Farm Boys (Will Fellows), how this man was taught since a child that sex is dirty - bingo was me too, thats the second key. I stopped reading and stared into space for a solid hour. Tears flowing. When I was 14, I exhibited gay behavior (something I knew nothing about) towards this really cute guy my age. In a nut shell, my mom hounded me about the incident for ~1.5 years. At one point I curled up into a ball in a corner of my bedroom, crying. I had no one to help me and no where to go. I just took her anger. At ~15/16 she sent me to a boarding school. The enviroment was homophobic to say the least. If you left the school without permission (basically escaped), you were hunted down by the police, brought back and beat up. Some of us were made to stand naked and whipped. More "things" happened, I think you get the idea. There was no escape. Many thanks to the many ECs volunteers who keep this sight up and civil. I could not have realized the above without you and my wonderful ECs friends. And many thanks to the people who foot the main bill for ECs. I shall excuse myself now. I feel the urge to urinate on my mom's grave. Taking from Martin Luther King. Free at last, free at last!
Sounds a lot like my upbringing. I'm glad you are free now. Life gets a lot better when you are okay with being you.
This is the beauty of ECs. You learn you are not alone. It blew me away when I saw a post on ECs by a mom of a 14 year old gay son. She wanted to learn how best help her son. That sent me into total disbelief that lasted ~1 week.
I'm glad you're here, brainwashed You've provided keen insight and given great advice. And you also have pointed to some great though provoking links! Given my response to the comparatively mild oppression I've faced in my life, I can't imagine suffering what you have. You're an inspiration! Ahh I remember the first time I saw that hug photo and the longing it stirred within me, and still does :/ (*hug*)
I also read that book recently and found much to think about. I really can't recommend it enough for any gay man.
Brainwashed, I think the U.S. is still in the grip of its very early Puritan roots. We just don't deal with the realities of sexuality well. We teach young people that sex is awful and dirty, and yet they're supposed to magically understand it, embrace it, and integrate it into their lives on their wedding night. We have no shortage of guilt and shame still left over from our Puritan roots after all these years. One reason I think some gay men turn toward wreckless sex and other addictions is that we're taught that gay sex is especially dirty and has no further meaning than the physical act. Gay men do this dirty little thing behind the bushes that has nothing to do with good, moral upstanding people who "make love". Gay men fuck, straight men "make love" - by the messaging we're given from society. Consequently, we have a huge disconnect between the mind, body, and spirit when it comes to sex. We have sex that doesn't mean anything and doesn't affirm our self-esteem or our value in a relationship. We get off with strangers, we take unhealthy risks, we addict ourselves to porn - all because we are taught that our form of sex is dirty, meaningless, and bankrupt. I also think that straight people are somewhat affected by this kind of guilt, but not nearly so much as gay people. Straight people deal with guilt - feeling bad about something they did. Gay men deal with shame - feeling bad about something they are. Therefore, by conventional society we are irredeemably flawed by our very nature. This is a catastrophic kind of damage to take in and believe. You may want to explore this further in the book Coming Out of Shame: Transforming Gay and Lesbian Lives. Accepting your gay orientation and being public about it is one closet door, but I agree that embracing sex as part of your mind, body, and spirit in a healthy and positive way is an entirely different kind of "closet door". I hope you find the way through it. Patrick
Hey brainwashed, I'm really sorry to hear about these experiences. Are you seeing a therapist? If not, you may want to consider it. To me, these incidents sound pretty traumatic for any child, gay or straight. There are probably a lot more tears buried in there, and getting them out would only be good for you.
