Second Adolenscence hitting - noticing a big change.

I came here in denial, then I swung between acceptance and denial. That's been the hardest part of coming out for me so far. I swing between feeling great about being gay and wanting to come out, to freezing up in denial.

But recently I noticed a big change. it used to be:

positive emotion: Happy about being gay
negative emotion: In Denial, thinking i can 'fix' it.

Now it's
positive emotion: Happy about being gay
negative emotion: I am aching to be with a guy.
and a distant third:
negative emotion: In Denial, thinking i can 'fix' it.

I now know what people mean by 'second adolescence' i haven't had this angst for years!

I feel like I am finally reaching the last stage of the beginning of coming out, instead of 'how do i fix this problem" i am thinking, "get rid of this stupid denial once and for all"!

 

LOL
it's taken me a long time to get here, but I haven't felt this kind of happiness and energy in years. I can't wait until I feel my lips on my boy friends lips (and other places )

 

Thanks Imgay47. Usually most of my doubts are when I am away from this message board. Yesterday, i was happy to be gay. I realized subconsciously whenever I would go out I would hope I would see some 'hot' woman and that would 'prove' I am not gay.
Yesterday I noticed I wasn't even looking, and when I did it was more liking what they were wearing. I noticed the only couples I was looking at were gay couples. thinking 'hmm that would be nice'. Not even thinking about women anymore trying to 'force it'.

No more questioning or doubting or 'if i am gay why do I think or do this'. No more 'well just to be sure I'll wait for this or that' I realize all of that is just fear. its all looking backward. I need to make this happen in the real world. I might slip away here for awhile, because I think I am starting to use it as a crutch. I feel the aching desire to make it all happen in the real world.

I don't just want to physically have sex with a man, though I definitely want to do that! I want to be gay emotionally, physically, spiritually, socially. The part of me fighting and resisting and denying is dead. For the first time since I first posted here and freaked out, I want to come out to some friends!