How to deal with mounting anxiety before coming out ( to work)?

Howdy brother in blue! My story started with being discharged from the military for being gay. My discharge, even though honorable, states the reason as Homosexual Conduct. Therefore, it was known as soon as I applied with my department. It was brought up during my interview and I was promised it would remain a secret until/if I wanted to reveal it. (I later learned, all of the supervisors were told about it in case any problems arose). I was still hired into the department even though they knew the situation before they even met me. Once hired and after proving myself for a few years (making SWAT and narcotics unit). I came out to 2 female deputies. They were both extremely supportive. One of them had retired from another department before hiring on with us...she advised me to carefully consider coming out in our profession. Fast forward a few years and i decided to take advantage of the National Coming Out Day. I posted a long coming out letter on Facebook which included the vast majority of my coworker's. Fortunately, id done this late at night. I promptly texted my Lt, my Sgt, and my partner as I wanted them to hear from me rather than my post (at the time I worked in a specialized 4 man narcotics division). My Lt had known (he was one who had been told in the beginning). His only question: "Can I still tell gay jokes?" haha I assured him I knew more than he did. (It's important to note that I had to interview with this man, whom I'd never worked with, for my current position in his unit...once again, I was chosen. My Sgt was extremely acceptant. He invited my bf and me to his house to hvs supper with his family. My partner was extremely accepting also. We worked together for 4.5 years with no issues. I've hunted with these men and hung out/drank/partied with them and still do although I'm back in the patrol division now. To this day, I have personally never heard anything negative. I took the Sgt promotional exam and was encouraged by the majority of people to do it. I have never had an issue with anyone not backing me up either. All in all, it has been great.

if i were back in your shoes...I would do as I did and come out to your closest partners. Judge their reactions and see how it goes. That'll give you a network for when you come out to everyone else. And quite possibly, you may not have to tell anyone else cause we all know cops gossip like 13 year old school girls.

I've never felt more liberated than I did coming out and being accepted at work. That meant more than my mother accepting me. Our lives are literally in these people's hands. I wish you the best of luck brother. Feel free to ask me anything you want!

 

It showed a lot of acceptance when I could joke with them about it and they knew that I didn't take any offense of the joking things they said. People won't change overnight but prob the easiest icebreaker is when I'd say, "That's gay...and that's bad coming from me!" (I know, I know it puts being gay in a negative context blah blah blah...I've never looked at it that way) but it would always lead to a good laugh. They'll get over the shock pretty quick. They know you are brothers in blue and y'all should be there for each other. If you get the ole, "I'm ok with it as long as you don't hit on me." Crap...just say, "What the hell makes you think you're hot enough for me to hit on?" lol that one always brought laughs too. The more you can joke about it...the less serious of an event it'll seem.

I truly wish you the best of luck. I'd go ahead and tell a couple of close friends and let it go from there. In fact, we just hired another gay deputy and he'd come out to a couple people...the rumor is slowly going around and so far nothing bad has been said...of course, I paved his road for him lol.

---------- Post added 11th Nov 2016 at 11:39 AM ----------

Where are you from if you don't mind me asking?

 

What an awesome thread!

It's a real tribute to the power of this site in getting like-minded people together for support. Cheers to both of you, Jerry36 and Gay_Deputy, for the courage you both display on a daily basis in your careers and in your challenges and triumphs with respect to living true to yourselves!

 

Well thank you sir. That was kind of you!

 

I know many cops and they are some of the best people in the world- gay and straight!

 

Once I got their replies to my texts...I didn't fear the face to face confrontation. In fact, it rarely came up. It normally came up by me making a gay joke about something and them seeing how comfortable I was with it. Eventually, they got to where they'd bust a joke out before I could. I've never had a negative response which probably makes my case a little out of the norm as I know they're bound to happen to someone. All I can say, is I work with some great people. I think the times have progressed to the point where the negative mindset is disappearing...of course, I can't speak of your side of the world since I have no personal knowledge of it. Heck, even my grandma called me the other night chewing me out because I haven't introduced her to my bf yet.

I do believe we place more negativity on the situation because we automatically expect a negative response. To me, it was exerting a comfortableness with who I am and who I want to be. If that showed through and they were able to see that nothing would change then I figured they'd be alright with it....and that's about how it went. Be accepting of yourself and they'll accept you! Def keep us updated!

No, he's not in law enforcement. I'm not sure I could date another cop. That's a lot of ego under one roof haha.

 

Well brutha...any updates?