I was leaving an appointment today and saw a handsome guy waiting for the elevator as I walked out of the lobby. I was very self-conscious about looking at him; I didn't want him to see. And I wasn't even sure what I could/should do. I guess I just wanted to acknowledge that I thought he was handsome, but my natural instinct was to be ashamed of that thought. Perhaps I could have made eye contact and even smiled. That would be super scary for me: what if he thought I was cruising him and assumed I wanted to have sex? What if that's what I actually did want? I had a fear (probably irrational) of a sudden loss of control. So instead I glanced at him furtively and hurried out of the building. I've had thousands of interactions like this in my life, even back when my attractions tended more towards women, and even with people I wasn't attracted to sexually. Now that I think about it, I actually had a similar interaction immediately after I left the building. I took a shared Uber home and sat in the passenger seat. The driver was friendly and chatting with the other passengers. Again, I felt the urge to connect with him somehow, just by making eye contact and smiling. But the best I could manage was sideways glances (although I did participate in the conversation). I always imagine that people who notice me looking at them will assume the worst: I'm ogling them, or I'm not manly (because real men don't smile), or I'm some kind of bumpkin (because nobody in New York smiles), or I'm needy and desperate for approval, or I'm presumptuous (because I'm not attractive enough to be checking them out), etc. Hmm, I didn't expect this post to get so long. Anyway, I'm curious if anyone else has similar experience.
Actually, I had an experience like this just the other day. I was walking in the street in Rome when I noticed a man looking at me. I looked away and then looked again. He was still looking. I smiled. He followed me half a block. I stopped to check my phone. He stopped. I walked across the street and said ciao. We went to his place and had sex. End of story. This is not something that has happened to me a whole lot (though I do enjoy intentional cruising in a likely cruising area — this was not that), but in my experience, unless you're actually leering at a guy, if he's straight, he's unlikely to think twice about your intentions. One of the things I never realized before I came out is how easy it is for gay men to find sexual partners. They're practically everywhere and you just have to look. ---------- Post added 12th Nov 2016 at 02:00 AM ---------- I should add: cruising is a bit of an art; it's not especially difficult, but there is a form. It's almost like a dance. Lots of guys that do it say they enjoy the cruising part as much as (or more) than the sex.
I say take a chance and if you see someone you like flash a smile and give eye contact, the worst that will happen is that they'll walk away but at least you tried. I'm in my 30's and would much prefer meeting someone that way (the old fashioned way if you like) rather than the whole dating app thing. But then again I'm an old romantic. I've not long come out and currently going through an amicable divorce, I've yet to join dating apps but I've started making eye contact with guys when out and about . So next time you see that guy flash him your best smile!
Hey nerdbrain- I used to feel the very same things, and for the same reasons. A lot of what you are feeling, in my opinion, has more to do with self-esteem than with being gay. Of course many gay people have self-esteem issues because society tells us over and over again that as gay people we are pervs and trash and unnatural, so it's kind of a fine line. Would you react they way you do if you were not gay? Lots (LOTS) of people who are not gay have self-esteem issues too. I'm not sure how to say this but, next time you have an encounter like the one you described, try not thinking of yourself as gay, or straight, or anything else, just try to think of yourself as a PERSON, a male person. We have to be emotionally healthy PEOPLE before we can be an emotionally healthy GAY person. Work on improving your self-image as a person, and you will automatically be more confident as a gay person. Does this make any sense?!
Funny that I read and commented on this post yesterday before going out last night. I was out with my straight mates, we went to a bar and I saw the most gorgeous guy I looked at him and smiled, he looked at me then we caught each others gaze. I approached him and started chatting anyway to cut a long story short we exchanged numbers. I met up with him for a coffee this morning and we got on really well. Don't know what will happen between us but boy it doesn't half give me a confidence boost!
Yes but now I just look at people in the eyes and smile. No more bull shit in my life. Im not going to let the "one's" who did this to me win.
