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Sometimes I want to go back

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by lonewolf79, Nov 12, 2016.

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  1. lonewolf79

    lonewolf79
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    Hi all
    I know this will seem so weird but for many years now I have wished I could go back to the old me - the one before I came out, before experiencing being hurt by a cheating bf, coming out to myself and family, wrestlingw ith thoughts and demons - which I still do.
    I consider myself a late start to coming out. I was 25 ... I am now 36. I have only had 2 relationships which honestly is enough for me to know where I fit in. I moved back home after living abroad for many years and this has added to my despair. I feel like my family will never accept me and hence I have shut off from anything that isn't work related or music related (I focus on practising so I don't have to deal with other nonsense).
    I just wish I could go back to before coming out. I don't want people to know and I wish they didn't. Things were simpler then ... and i didn't have to apologise all the time.
    I have no gay friends except online (EC etc) ...and avoid real life contact.
    I want to go back ... :frowning2:
    Sorry ...just venting ... Sunday morning ranting.
     
    #1 lonewolf79, Nov 12, 2016
  2. Jerry36

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    Hi mate,

    Thats what sunday mornings are for...☺️I understand what you r saying. I ve the same.the difference is that you have been in two relationships, there are at least two guys that found you more than worthwile. Even though one of them was a cheating bastard, you have to remember some of the hapiness during those relationships. There is potential....please remember that, pull yourself together and go out again. life will kick you in the nuts more often but the more you dwell over those negative thoughts, the more they become 'real'.It sounds like you r in a depression bro, and depression is a lying bitch. Did you talk to your family about it? Are you really really really certain they dont accept you?
     
    #2 Jerry36, Nov 13, 2016
  3. lonewolf79

    lonewolf79
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    Hi there...Thanks for the reply.

    I agree that I am depressed. One of my friends even wanted to give me her anti-depressants!!! :eek: I do find that in my mind, there are thoughts that go round and round and yes... depression is a lying b*tch.
    I don't talk to my family about personal things. My mom has a tendency to blab to the neighbours and friends of hers ... my whole life story becomes gossip. Also, they accept that I am gay, but I feel strongly it is more like... gay but stay single... and I can't express myself to them at all.
    The few times I have gone out since coming back to my country is just for the odd lunch or quick tea with my female friends (as I have no male friends... which is bizarre considering I went to an all-boys school back in the day ... )
    There was very little happiness in my relationships. I try to remember what it felt like just to be hugged but memories are fading...
    I haven't told many of my friends how I feel. I find that they don't quiet agree, since they're straight females and they themselves don't know (or know very few) other gay people.
     
    #3 lonewolf79, Nov 13, 2016
  4. findingjoy

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    rant away! I wish i could offer some advice but I'd feel stupid giving it. You had the courage to come out, to open your heart to someone. That's more courage than I have had up til now. I admire you for taking the risk and for being honest about it here.

    What do you have to 'apologise for? Being gay?
     
    #4 findingjoy, Nov 13, 2016
  5. Romancer

    Romancer
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    I saw a great quote from the Dali Lama yesterday..."Pain is inevitable...suffering if optional." We all have pain inflicted on us from outside, but the suffering we go through in reacting to the pain is completely of our own making. I know it's a cliche but it is ABSOLUTELY TRUE: Life is 10 percent what happens to us and 90 percent how we react to what happens to us. Your suffering is not caused by others, you are causing it yourself because you are stuck in your thinking...you seem to feel that your suffering is because you are gay, when in reality, it's because of how you think about being gay.

    It takes a very strong person to think "good" when there seems to be so much "bad" around them....maybe you just don't feel you are strong enough to get through this, but if that is the case, you can't really blame it on others can you?

    You feel the way you think...you feel overwhelmed because you think you are overwhelmed. Give yourself a break and practice thinking that you are strong, that you are in charge of how you feel...not the world around you.
     
    #5 Romancer, Nov 14, 2016
  6. fulcrum

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    Maybe its just taking a bit longer than usual to embrace your out self. Pop culture makes everyone think that coming out happens quickly. Hollywood movies are especially bad at giving us that impression. But for some the process takes time. It definitely did for me. And there's still parts of myself I need to express more.

    It also sounds like your family are not really supportive. I really feel for you. Keep chatting over here.
     
    #6 fulcrum, Nov 14, 2016
  7. lonewolf79

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    Thanks. I just feel like I can share here as I can't talk about stuff in real life...

    Yep... I apologise for being gay. It's like...
    Me: I must tell you something... I'm gay.
    Person: Oh... no worries... lol .. whatever...
    Me: Are you sure? I am so sorry... I know...
    Person: *looking confused*... no need to say sorry...
    Me: Yeah I do...

    That's how is usually goes... if I decide to tell someone...
     
    #7 lonewolf79, Nov 14, 2016
  8. lonewolf79

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    you seem to feel that your suffering is because you are gay, when in reality, it's because of how you think about being gay.

    This right here above... is exactly how I think... sigh... :frowning2: I wish I could tell myself I am strong... yet I feel weaker each day... wish I could get through one day without thinking about my sexuality and just be me... regardless... just enjoy. I even find that if I see a handsome guy I tell myself I am gross... and for the life of me I can't explain why I do this...
    Am I just too lost?
     
    #8 lonewolf79, Nov 14, 2016
  9. lonewolf79

    lonewolf79
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    :tears:I don't know if I will ever embrace my out self... not in the environment I live and based on past experiences and living overseas in a very closeted country ... I am back in the closet and it's where I feel I can be safe. It's taking a long, long time for me to even like myself... let alone embrace my out self. I can't express myself at all, except through music which can't convey my thoughts ...
    I will keep chatting... although it might go round in circles...
    My family ignore the fact I am hurting about all this... they go on as if they're the only ones with problems...
    Nice to see you're also from CPT.
     
    #9 lonewolf79, Nov 14, 2016
  10. justaguyinsf

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    I wonder if maybe you should just stop worrying about the in/out decision or label. It almost seems like you're looking for others for self-validation rather than building that within. Perhaps just doing things you enjoy, connecting with others in those contexts, and telling folks about people gay on a need-to-know basis would help, as in my opinion no one is obligated to divulge personal information where there's no positive outcome. Just my two cents.
     
    #10 justaguyinsf, Nov 14, 2016
  11. Romancer

    Romancer
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    You tell yourself you are gross when you admire a handsome man because you have been programmed by your society to think that way. You might try forcing yourself to think more positively about it. Spend 10 minutes every day (or more or less) consciously telling yourself how good it is to be who you really are. Make a deal with yourself to do this. It won't matter if you don't really feel this way at first, but FORCE yourself to think good about this for a few minutes every day. You spend a lot of time thinking about it in negative terms, so it's only fair that you give the other side of the argument some thought, right? Just try it as an intellectual exercise if nothing else. Look at the issue fairly, from both sides, stop dwelling on just the negative side (or what you see as negative).
     
    #11 Romancer, Nov 15, 2016
  12. lonewolf79

    lonewolf79
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    True. I do find that I want some kind of validation as I have never had any. I recently read that one should validate oneself...
    I engage with things I like to do... mostly going to my music lessons and then putting in the hours of practice at home. I don't tell people I am gay at all. I can't remember the last time I told anyone... probably a while back while I was still living in Korea.

    I guess I think of it in negative terms because I have only had negative experiences with being gay... a cheating ex, pushy friends who try to force me to be more of an extrovert and do things I really do not like... etc... also meeting some not so nice guys (not for anything other than trying to make friends but as they all wanted more, I didn't and they got nasty)...
    How can I make a positive change when in real life, I don't know gay people? I only have connections here on EC and FB...
     
    #12 lonewolf79, Nov 20, 2016
  13. justaguyinsf

    justaguyinsf
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    I'm also am often struck by how gay men so readily lash out if you simply decline to participate in some of the behaviors that they feel is prescribed once you declare yourself to be gay. Really odd how conformist they are when a supposed bedrock principle of the gay movement was promoting individuality.
     
    #13 justaguyinsf, Nov 20, 2016
  14. I'm gay

    I'm gay
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    I have seen this particular issue brought up in many threads here on EC. I think this issue has more to do with humans being humans rather than anything specific to the gay community. The tendency to get others to think like you do, to behave like you do, and put pressure on you to conform to a particular belief system or system of behaviors is found in all walks of life, from religion to education, sports to sexuality. Human beings have a need to be like others, to feel normal and to live and work within groups. This is more about group dynamics than anything else.

    By the way, you don't have to conform. You choose to conform to fit in, or what you think will cause you to fit in.

    Conformity in the gay movement has been there from the beginning, even while promoting individuality. Yes, it probably is ironic, but that's human nature for you.

    :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
    #14 I'm gay, Nov 20, 2016
  15. luke564

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    Lonewolf, I'm so sorry to hear this - it's heartbreaking to read.

    Can you guys give some examples of gay friends of groups expecting you to conform once you're out? What kind of things do you mean?
     
    #15 luke564, Nov 20, 2016
  16. lonewolf79

    lonewolf79
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    I agree. It is super odd. I have always been off the radar so to speak... but this one person I knew (Well... Know... but we're not friends in my book)...has always been pressuring me to do things I do not like... or feel uncomfortable with. He even went so far as to say I will struggle to make gay friends if I do not use the latest smartphone app :tears: ... and he knows I do not like that.
     
    #16 lonewolf79, Nov 21, 2016
  17. lonewolf79

    lonewolf79
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    True... I have seen it on here too.

    I don't really want to fit in with the gay community here. It's so close and everyone knows everyone (or slept with everyone...) ... I like being on my own with my group of friends... but when some (from other social media) try to tell me what I must do just because I am gay... it hurts... it leaves me feeling like I am almost doing wrong by not fitting in...
     
    #17 lonewolf79, Nov 21, 2016
  18. lonewolf79

    lonewolf79
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    Thank you(*hug*)

    Yeah... I am often left hurt by what gets said to me about not conforming...

    I have been told I am not gay enough - because I do not go to clubs or bars.
    I have been told that I get depressed because I don't" take the opportunity behind the open door: - then I get depressed because I don't have it. I was told I MUST use apps or online sites to meet guys... something I do not like or feel it is right for me...
    I have been told I am too prudish because I do not hook up and have random sex. I like to think that it's something special between two people who respect their bodies and have feelings for each other...
    I do not like movies of the adult variety and that was also a problem for a so-called "friend".
    I was once called an "unhomosexual homosexual" because I don't sleep around.
    I don't go to pride things and again I was called on it because I am not conforming...

    All this has left me feeling like I want to run and hide away... like going back to I didn't have to experience all this...
    I have no gay friends in my own country. The only interaction I have is here on EC and a few on FB. In real life, I know I will be judged heavily because I moved back home from overseas and moved in at my parents as I am helping take care of them and the home together with my sister. I am also on the chubby side and already this same person (the one who said I MUST use apps) has basically said I should starve so I can look good for hot guys... yet I am so ordinary and down to earth...

    sigh
     
    #18 lonewolf79, Nov 21, 2016
  19. luke564

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    This makes me so upset to read, and almost angry.

    I wish I could be more help to you, but I just don't have the experience.

    I feel a bit like I am in your situation, just a few steps behind you.

    I don't know if I'm ready to accept to being bi, or gay or whatever - probably not, but I have gone my whole life believing I am straight and having no success with women -if I take that leap and tell someone, you can't go back - and I've been thinking it's totally crazy to just assume that suddenly everything would change with guys.

    The reality is, I might not fit in - (in fact I know I wont) - and that my success with a potential partner could be just as unlikely, and I could be ignored just as much with guys as I was with girls.

    My heart goes out to you buddy, I'm always here to chat.
     
    #19 luke564, Nov 21, 2016
  20. lonewolf79

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    I agree... This is why I do not participate in the "community" because it feels like anything but community.

    Agreed. I spent so much time worrying about fitting in ... and eventually I figured I don't need to... but there are still days/weeks where I feel like I want to...
     
    #20 lonewolf79, Nov 21, 2016
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