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Did I violate a boundary by asking her to take down her walls for a few minutes?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by caliwoman, Nov 13, 2016.

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  1. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    Sooooo I have a bit of a tendency to chase emotionally unavailable women or women with avoidant styles of attachment. They aren't really giving their share in an emotional exchange and I more than overcompensate.

    Was speaking to a woman from my past and we were kinda rehashing details and I could feel her walls up. I really wanted an open and honest conversation about what happened between us and expressed that. "Can we please have an open and honest conversation...but could you take your walls down for just five minutes?"

    She became flustered and stuttered.

    "I've been so direct with you!" She snapped. "I don't know where this is coming from. You are making me so uncomfortable right now! So uncomfortable! I'm going to bed"

    And then she hung up on me. She said she didn't know where this was coming from, but the night before when she and I had spoken, had admitted to being emotionally unavailable.

    Did I violate a boundary by asking to take down her walls? Would I have ever received a balanced emotional exchange with her? Why the heck am I so open with thee kinda women?

    I asked her to take her walls down in a very kind voice and she knows me well enough, but she snapped at me in anger. It felt like she was talking down to me as a subordinate.

    Why in the hell do I keep being attracted to these kinda women?

    ---------- Post added 13th Nov 2016 at 09:33 AM ----------

    is there even a point of me wondering any of this? Why even rehash details with her? The relationship would have always ended because I would have never been happy with the lack of emotional exchange. Ugh...
     
    #1 caliwoman, Nov 13, 2016
  2. DAFriend

    DAFriend
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    You aren't behaving like a good melinial, you actually except people to get out of their comfort zone or safe space and, deal with the issues life presents - shame on you. (Totally sarcastic there.)

    No you didn't overstep your bounds, though I'm sure she thinks you did. You have every right to ask questions and get answers from her as to why she thinks the relationship failed.

    Now she may indeed have some serious walls, with valid reasons for them,, that she is not using as an avoidance/escape mechanism and, dealing with that is different. For example, if she had been abused and discussing that is difficult for her because it brings painful memories to the surface.

    Okay, that's okay, but that doesn't mean you don't talk about it in a relationship. If you lack the trust to communicate openly and, honestly with the other person, you probably should not be in a relationship with them.

    As for why you open up with those sorts of people, probably a bit of a rescuer, you want to help them and, think that if you are open, they will be too. often that works, but not always and, it's best done BEFORE you actually date them. Having a relationship adds a whole new set of concerns over what you might think of them if they told you certain things.

    As an example, someone I know very well, but didn't at the time, got drunk and told me some things about his past. The next day, he remembered telling me and, was scared to death that I would think he was somehow bad, crazy, emo, etc.... Of course I didn't think that at all but, his fears were well founded since he had gotten bad reactions to telling people that stuff before.

    He was honestly afraid he had lost me as a friend and, it took some time to convince him I really was okay with his past, and I wasn't letting it affect how I see him because, he isn't that person anymore and, none of what happened to push him over the edge on a few things was his fault, he was a child at the time, he could not have changed what happened and, could not have escaped any sooner than he did.
     
    #2 DAFriend, Nov 13, 2016
  3. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    Thank you DAFriend! I certainly didn't intend to promote that reaction with my request to take down walls. Your response sheds some light on it. Thank you!

    Interesting to hear about your friend and I'm glad you two were able to get past it. You sound like good friend!

    You're right. I am a bit of a rescuer. I guess I feel if I pour out my feelings, they'll understand me and help them express themselves. It never works for me. Lol.
     
    #3 caliwoman, Nov 13, 2016
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