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I think my problem is people in general.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Pathetic Coward, Nov 14, 2016.

  1. Pathetic Coward

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    This might've been better as a blog post and given the election stress I'm not sure this is the right place at all. I feel that by posting here I can at least be honest with myself and nail down some of the nonsense I've treated as fact.

    Short version: I've still got (or had, or something) a terrible attitude. But the world is rotten and people aren't worth it. Not sure what to do about it. Pretty sure I'm not doing myself any favors.

    Anyhow. For the last six months or whatever I've been muddling through life. Then things started to pile up. Work hassles, so on. Life happens. Then a sibling fell into some problems (divorce) and has been taking up more of my time/energy than I had to give.

    What brought all this to a head is I'm likely out of a job soon. One of those raw deals but still my fault sort of things. No real avoiding it. But on the plus side I'm more or less forced to look at the life I've allowed to happen around me. I had been working a night security desk at a manufacturing plant -- about as antisocial a job as they get -- talking to maybe a handful of people a day. In other words the idea job for someone trying to erase himself.

    I know bringing up 6 month old posts is bad form, twice so when I was the one on a rant but I know more than one person said I needed a different attitude so I should at least address that.

    Problem is I can't get around the fact that my point of view was the way it was/is because life is crap. I don't think I'm being totally irrational when I think "the game is crap, don't play" is a fair response to the game being crap. But things work until they don't and this is not working.

    I'm worried if I'll ever really trust anyone romantically (or otherwise). I'm more or less okay with calling myself Bisexual. Not that it matters, really. But trusting/being open/being "authentic" to me just feels like another word for "let yourself be taken advantage of." Granted the guy earlier this year was "just one guy" and probably a case of fools rushing in but does fit how I see almost everything.

    It feels like everyone I deal with is either a bully or a beggar. They're either pushing me around or pulling me down. The world I see is a world of give and take. I give, they take. It is a very poor frame of mind, really. But I see no positives to interacting with other human beings. I mean in reality life is filled with power struggles and selfish people.

    I mean everyone is selfish, really. By that I mean a person wants what they want and they don't consider anyone else in the matter. So if they get what they want from you they just assume you wanted them to have it. But if you think the same way, take, take, take, then you're someone with a "bad attitude." I can't help but think of the movie Wargames. The only winning move is not to play.

    I look at the last 8 years or so (funny how elections do that) and see the nice little hermit life I've built for myself. I've checked out with 20+ years left to go. This isn't going to work. I don't think my sexuality is the main reason for it. I mean it sort of fits. Maybe I don't want to be gay so I say I'm bi and just never got a fair shake from women. Then I go hide from everything and call it a day. It does fit. But so does a dozen other ideas. I might just be a narcissist who rather sit things out than deal with reality. Or I'm playing the victim because life is scary. Or whatever.

    I've tried to think of a career worth chasing. But nothing seems worth it. I envy people who enjoy anything, be it work or hobby. I've tried to "think of life in 5 years" and all that and all I see is an endless road to nowhere. So I think I'll grab the next job that comes along. Same old same old.

    I just don't know how to shake this mindset without becoming an asshole or doormat. Sorry for the wall of text.

    PC
     
  2. DAFriend

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    I think you're right about people not caring about anyone but themselves. That's how the vast majority is. There are a few of us that are different, but, very few. It's those few I know that I can friends and, the rest can go to hell.

    I don't like my job but, it's an income, that's all that matters on that front. I've got other things I do enjoy doing and a few freinds I share those things with, good enough, leave me in my little corner over here, I'll get by and, I'll do it without the hassles of wanna be, selfish users in my life.
     
  3. nerdbrain

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    Hey PC,

    Your post echoes my current state of mind: I've become a total hermit, passive in many respects, and frustrated with my situation in life. It's a broader issue than just sexual orientation, but I think it's related.

    I really miss having a goal or a vision for my life, something to pursue. Without one, it just feels like you're muddling along. It's easy to become hopeless, like there's no point in continuing.

    Sometimes I ask myself, what would I do if I had unlimited money (i.e. freedom)? And I don't have much of an answer. That tells me I'm not blocked by external factors -- it's something inside that keeps me from moving forward.

    Is it my sexuality? Maybe. But I think there's more to it. It's a whole worldview, like I can't figure out where I fit in, gay or straight.

    But I believe there is some answer out there (or in here). I guess that's what keeps me going, rational or not.
     
  4. Pathetic Coward

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    It's the "go to hell" part that trips me up, at least with family. This isn't the first time this sibling has had an emergency that left others (me, to be honest) far worse off than when it started. But I can't tell 'em to go to hell because they just might then it's my fault for not "being there." Guess family's like that. Might just be the straw breaking the camel's back.

    Nothing worse, I think, than being in the wrong and knowing you got there by not telling needy people to shut up and go away. And I don't mean money or "real" problems. Just time, energy, disrupting my life and day because they've got nothing better to do.


    Know that feeling, more or less. But I've also caught myself thinking "why bother, someone else will just F it up for me, anyhow." I know blaming others is an excuse but it's hard not to think that way when it's happened more than once. I know the right answer is to try again but what does it matter if even if I succeed something (or someone) will ruin it.

    It's not rational to pin everything on one person and I would rather not air a family member's dirty laundry but I wonder how much better my life would've been had they not existed. Some of that's sibling rivalry, to be sure. Some of it's not. And not like the rest of my family was any better. Still, that's me making excuses. I could've told them all no.

    I've given real thought to changing my thinking and habits but I can't shake that all that really means is being "content" with the endless dysfunction around my life. I remember visualizing my younger self doing the "marshmallow test" (the delayed gratification thing, aka one marshmallow now, or two if you wait) just as a thought experiment. A moment into it and sibling's there, grabbing my marshmallow (aka causing me to fail the test).

    It's not good, imho, to waste time "analyzing" yourself but the cycle of my trying to have anything in my life only to have someone (a family member 99% of the time) interfere and squander it feels like a running theme. Like the REAL crime in my life is trying at all. Some of this is normal, I mean everyone's held back by the baggage in their lives. But some of it isn't.

    Learned helplessness comes to mind. Or maybe cultivated helplessness, or apathy. I mean I can't escape that I've had a hand in my life. I'm not a victim. I mean "success doesn't matter because they'll just ruin it for me" is not rational, is it? Then there's the fact that there ARE real jerks in life who see easy targets and think nothing of it.

    I just wish I could find joy in my life without immediately expecting the other shoe to drop. But I know better.

    I can think of maybe one time in my life where I was both "authentic" (or close to it) and happy at the same time. That was 20 years ago. Half way into senor trip a classmate pointed out I was acting differently. Granted if you can't be happy when you're young and on vacation, then when can you be?

    But I wonder if maybe family life was more toxic than I wanted to admit. I don't know. Too late now.

    Part of the reason I quit therapy was that the counselor seemed convinced that not being out was the only thing causing problems in my life. I don't think that's really it. I mean I doubt anything is simply one or the other.

    "I like men for sex and women for love" I think is what some guys say. I don't get that. What's the point of sex without love? I just don't get it. I don't fit the gay life at all. I thought for a while it was old school morality leaking through (the less kind would call it homophobia) but that's not it. I don't care what others do. There's just nothing there for me.

    Then on the straight side I've managed to wreck my life to the point no reasonable woman should have anything to do with me. And I'm almost 40, making me "old," so that game's either done or on it's last legs. Looking at it now family would've ruined that for me, too. Bleh. Needy mom, needy dad (family business), walking disaster of a sibling. So I guess it's best I never married, sexuality aside.

    That's a better answer than quitting/checking out. It really is.

    Sorry about the wall of text. Thanks again, everyone.

    PC
     
  5. Romancer

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    Do you think you might be clinically depressed? It sounds as if you might be. Depression colors everything in one's life...literally everything. When you are depressed every word that comes out your mouth, every thought in your head, everything you see, is colored by depression. Your entire existence is seen through the filter of depression. Trust me, I have been there, and it's a great place to get out of and leave behind. If you are depressed you will just not be able to change your thinking unless you get help. If you even think you might have depression, GET HELP RIGHT NOW. If you don't know where to go for help, write back and I'm sure we can make suggestions.

    You might think that with all you are feeling now you just can't deal with depression also, but the fact is if you do have depression, that is why you are feeling the way you do now.
     
  6. nerdbrain

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    I'm curious, where have you heard this? In a lot of ways it's how I feel.

    ---------- Post added 15th Nov 2016 at 01:45 PM ----------

    I think this is a really important insight for you. I agree, it's not entirely rational. If someone takes your marshmallow, you either beat the shit out of them, or eat your marshmallow somewhere else next time, or both.

    I understand it's not so easy with family. But the presumption that they'll always fuck up your life is obviously preventing you from doing anything at all. It sounds like they've overstepped your boundaries so much that you no longer feel like you can hold on to anything without interference.

    Maybe you should try to exercise your prerogative a bit. Do some nice things for yourself, and take the time to savor them. Some people call this "taking yourself on a date." It doesn't have to be expensive, just allocate some time to doing something you enjoy, or have always wanted to try. Maybe take a trip somewhere -- lots of ways to travel cheaply these days.

    And while you're doing it, remind yourself, "This is mine. Nobody else's." It feels good.
     
    #6 nerdbrain, Nov 15, 2016
    Last edited: Nov 15, 2016
  7. HuskyLover

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    I can fully relate to the "if the game is shit, don't play it" part. My life right now pretty much sucks and there are upcoming things in the future which I'm not sure about yet, and honestly speaking I don't know if I even can bother with it at all. I'm very prone to giving up before trying it out, haha.

    As for people, yeah some or rotten apples, I agree. I've had friends that only contacted me when they needed something from me, and it wasn't that long ago that I just decided to cut the connection with them without even telling them. I've learned not to bother with most people, unless they prove to me that they're different from the rest somehow.

    I don't have a life goal either, but I've learned to see it in a different way: if you don't have a life goal, then make that your life goal: to get a life goal. Then of course it's going to take time until you find something in the future, but the point is to stick around long enough to find one.

    Late night rambling, haha. Take it cool, we're not all rotten apples! :slight_smile:
     
  8. nerdbrain

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    Yeah, this.
     
  9. Pathetic Coward

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    I was in therapy for a while early this year and it was never suggested. But I guess that's something I probably should consider.

    I want to say I read an example of in The Velvet Rage but I don't have my copy handy atm. I think he pointed to it as a form of denial/splitting, sort of along the lines of "it's not gay because it's just sex." But again, don't have my copy on hand. I've also seen that mindset on other message boards and blogs. But that list includes here so I might be self referencing. To be fair it's the "meaningless sex" thing I don't get more than anything else. So I might have misspoke.

    I'm sorry if that came off as critical. I think it's more of a case of seeing what I want/need isn't really out there. Objectively I can see I'm framing things in the same "don't play" mindset I use on everything else. But it doesn't help that facts fit, somewhat.

    That's probably it. And family doesn't make it easier, that's for sure. What I'm afraid of is being a selfish idiot who blames all their failings on others. That's easy to do. Which is sort of what I'm doing right now.

    That's something I really have to work on. For me, it doesn't. It feels cruel.

    I'm probably just venting but I'm starting to see how enmeshed my family life was. Almost zero lines or boundaries, or at least it "felt" that way. Didn't help I lived at home while working and going to Jr college. The same college a sibling (same one) transferred to later. So I'm working for family, seeing family in class, then going home to be guilt tripped by my mother for not jumping and running to her liking. "But you listen to him!" Never mind the fact I'm on the payroll and the work day had just ended, right? Or every word of it was about work. Right? I'm just a jerk ignoring his mother for not jumping up and doing whatever make-work chore she could think of. Lists? naw, we can't make lists of what needs done -- then I couldn't demand attention whenever I wanted.

    I should reword that last paragraph but I'm not sure how. Life wasn't that crazy. Looking back it's clear my family was a needy place for many reasons but I don't see malice in much if any of it. Just people who rather use a cheap fix rather than address their problems. Maybe it was just me. Spoiled kid who never got a pony. Bleh.

    But ya, saying stuff like "this is mine" sometimes trips a guilt switch in my head. I don't know. I'm not selfless by any means but I mean everyone needs more or less the same things in life, don't they? It just feels like everyone needs it more than I do. Twice so with family. Bleh. Guess that's something I need to think about.

    I might be petty, but it's refreshing to hear others admit that water is in fact wet. I do hope that you at least try to bother with it. Even if just out of spite. :slight_smile: Sorry for the weak pep talk but I think there's a huge selection bias when it comes to "positive mindsets" and the like. I mean what planet are these people on?

    I think part of my problem is "some" has become "basically all."

    That's positive thinking to the point of parody. But you're right. Like when someone's unemployed, their "job is to get a job" and so on.

    Thanks again everyone.

    PC
     
  10. Romancer

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    If the game is shit, don't play it, may work when it comes to playing politics, or playing the good son or daughter, or the perfect employee, or the best friend, etc., etc. but when it comes to life, well, that's a game you have to play. You have no choice, unless you kill yourself, which never solved anything. I agree with the comment about getting a life goal being your current life goal. Sounds as if you might just need to start all over again at creating a life for yourself...creating YOUR life, from scratch, from the bottom up, only this time the criteria for doing this must be what you want, what makes you feel comfortable and happy. We all need direction and a path to follow in life. Make it your life and your path, not someone elses. Easier said than done, yes, but infinitely possible! Somewhere deep inside yourself lies the strength and courage to do this, but you have to keep digging until you find it. You can give up, of course, or you can keep working at it (with the help and support of others) until you find you. This is not rosy optimism, it's pragmatic reality.

    ---------- Post added 16th Nov 2016 at 09:26 AM ----------

    Oh, I forgot to say that part of this process of learning who you really are is learning to forgive yourself. It's even more important than learning to forgive others.
     
  11. Pathetic Coward

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    That's solid advice. Thanks again everyone.

    PC