Coming out later in life harder?

At the same time, you don't have to worry over your parents kicking you out, withholding financial aid, sending you to "conversion therapy", etc.

There aren't "schoolyard bullies", but adults have their own ways to be cruel. You're wiser, more experienced, and independent.

It seems a lot of older gay men are given the shaft at many clubs and younger generations don't have respect or knowledge of past struggles, but we're further along in 2016 than before.

You miss out on a lot of milestones, and may remain "immature" in some ways. So while someone who has been "out" since their teens might envy straight people for living "normal lives", the older ones feel envious that they've wasted years living a lie and are rushed to "catch up".

Many older LGBT folk tell me they wouldn't change being parents for the world.

Of course, young and old are entirely relative...

 

I think it's hard no matter what age, but I think and stand to be corrected that younger people have an advantage in that times have changed for the better for the most part. and they don't have the years of baggage that us later in life folks do.

 

It might be a tossup, but I look at it this way. As you get older, HOPEFULLY, you also just kind of generally grow in terms of wisdom and insight (aside from financial security, having your own place to live etc., etc.). Being able to draw on this fund of wisdom and insight (emotional maturity?) as you struggle with coming out as an older person can be invaluable. I guess it's best to come out when you are young, but most people have so much angst caused by so many different things when they are young that it can get in the way of thinking clearly about their sexuality.

In some ways, being young and having all of the "growing pains" young people have, can really get in the way of thinking clearly about sexuality and coming out.

 

One of the more unique challenges I think we face coming out later in life is this idea that our friends and family feel lied to. That we weren't being honest with them, perhaps maliciously. The truth is for many of us, we just don't come to terms with it on our own and still are struggling to. But generally, while you may face parents or friends pushing back and saying that you're going through a phase or whatever when you come out at a younger age (I remember this when I was 20 and came out to my aunts), you don't really have anybody pointing a finger and saying you lied to me the way you do when you're older.

 

I think earlier is harder. Young people often do not have the means to move and start over when that is needed. Parents can be very unaccepting, make them feel very unwanted and, without a means to move and a network of friends that will support them , it's a lot harder on them than it is for those that do have money and friends regardless of being LGBTQ or not.

 

For me, I came out at 25... but it's still hard to be me... if that makes sense. Everyone around me is fine. Just I am not... so weird.

 

I never knew who or what I was, it wasn't until 2010 that I was able to finally find answers to those questions. By that time I was 40, and I do regret not knowing until then.

 

Overall I would say it's easier later ... the judgments of others aren't as important and you've probably weathered other challenges and know eventually you get through them, but it does feel bad having to sort of pull the rug out from others' perceptions of who you are.

 

Definitely younger. Unless you have a supportive family AND peer group you're in for a very bad time. That goes much more for trans too.

As adult, sure, you could get fired for some ridiculous made up excuse, and you could lose contact with friends/family even though the result would have been about the same in younger years. You have the ability to do things like uproot yourself independently though. The biggest problem later in life IMO is coming out specifically as mtf, there's a lot of rejection even within the support. I can't tell you how many times I've gotten called a hon for just being over 20, and the people who have told me it'll be impossible to pass because of age. (They couldn't have been more wrong but that's beside the point) It's very relatable to how LGBT groups used to refuse the T so very often and try to tell us it's an excuse for being gay. Society only seems to love a passable, early transitioned mtf.

As a child, you could risk family abuse, getting disowned, social exclusion, in some extreme cases like mine you could get thrown right out of a second story window at school. You do NOT have the power to leave your situation, it is at the discretion of your guardian, and school officials are incredibly keen to look the other way because they don't want their school to look bad. I didn't even come out as bi/mtf back then, and that didn't stop people from making the assumption I was gay and either trying to kill me or vandalizing/breaking everything that was mine.

 

I am still in because of my family and ultra-conservative environment. I could still be considered a "young adult" but not for much longer.

I think it's give or take. When you are older you are generally more self-confident and more prepared to stand up to criticism and rejection. On the other side of that, you may have a lot of baggage you have to deal with. Having a heterosexual partner and children really complicates it for older people.

 

It depends. Coming out as trans is hard at any age, but I do think there's a certain higher level of acceptance when you're younger, though not by much. You just don't hear things like "You've been a guy for 30 years why all of a sudden?" "You were a normal boy as a kid, that's ridiculous." As opposed to a 13 year old who's wanted to wear makeup and girl's clothes his whole life, and made comments like "when do my boobs grow in?" coming out as trans.

In other words, the surprise factor is less, so it can often be easier to swallow when you're still a teenager. As opposed to being a functioning adult who either didn't display signs at a younger age, or appeared to grow out of them years ago.

Being gay has it's advantages and disadvantages at any age. Teenagers and young adults may have to worry about being kicked out by parents and cut off. Adults may have to worry about the same, but by a heterosexual spouse. There may even be kids involved.

 

My husband feels both of these. He really couldn't get his head around the fact that someone could genuinely not recognise it for themselves until later in life. For him, either I am just going through a midlife crisis, and will eventually come round to realise I have made a big mistake, or I have been dishonest for our entire marriage. He can't envisage anything in between.

The hardest thing I have found about coming out in my fifties is the lack of potential partners. I have been out for 18 months now, and am still waiting for my first relationship, having spent most of that time joining things and actively looking. Whilst I agree that I am lucky to have escaped the possibility of serious bullying at school, I think it would have been so much easier to find someone if I had come out in my 30s. People who are 35 may have had good or bad relationships, but they have very rarely given up looking. However I have met a lot of women in their fifties and sixties who have done just that, and whose attitude is "Been there, done that, don't want to risk getting hurt again at my time of life, happy to stick with the status quo and enjoy the company of my friends/children/grandchildren/dog.

 

I was totally unable to come out when I was younger, unwilling and unable to accept that I might be gay. Coming out at 62, after nearly 35 years of marriage, wasn't easy. But times are very different now than they were in the 1970s and early 1980s before I got married.

 

Both are extremely hard, where ideally neither should be. Actually, in an ideal world there wouldn't be much need to come out late.

Coming out younger, you need to fight against the society.
Coming out older, the society is you. Meaning, what you are fighting against is yourself, with all the societal pressures already imprinted on your person.

Younger, you fear the prospect of building your life by yourself. Fear losing friends' and family support.
Older, you fear the prospect of losing everything you've already built. The feeling of wasted life.

Younger, you feel like that step out of the closet will kill you.
Older, you feel like it will kill your loved ones.

It's too hard.. but what's the alternative?

 

With younger people there is usually the risk of parents reacting negatively or peers looking down on you after coming out.

I still think that it's much harder to come out later in life as people tend to take you less serious then. There have even been many cases where the LGBT community has rejected people who came out later in life and claimed that they are " not really gay" and that must really hurt. There is also the fact that at a higher age people tend to have had more heterosexual relationships or are even married which is a complication in it's own right.

All in all I think that it's harder when you're older since young people have ( depending where they live) the LGBT community to back them up while many older people don't have this support.
It is different from case to case though: Some older people have it incredibly easy while younger people ( for example in countries where it is still a crime) have it extremely hard.

Either way coming out is always difficult and nerve wrecking no matter the circumstances.

 

I wonder if the biggest effect isn't age but social norms. Things are a lot more open and freer today than ever, so it may just be easier as time moves on. I've only just started working out who I am in my mid 30's. It's not easy being married, but I wouldn't have done things like join the army if I had known then what I did then, though it would have helped me explain why I struggled to get on.

 

In terms of acceptance and having the ability (EQ) to deal with the emotional roller coaster of coming out, I find it is easier when I am older. When you are younger, you tend to care a lot about other people's opinions, whether they like you, what they think of you. That adds to the stress of coming out.

Coming out older has its challenges too, especially if you are married with kids. Dating may also be more challenging in finding people around your age group.

 

The challenges are somewhat different, but I don't think it's any harder. If you look around this forum you will find young members who are going through hell because of their sexuality (or they have been there) and in this section you will find older members who are living out, or have lived out their own version of hell.

We journey as one and support each other, regardless of age and life experience.

 

I can identify somewhat with this. I came out the first time at 48. Not easy and thinking about it now wish I had not suppressed so much for so many years. I see a lot of anxiety in younger posters on this forum and quite rightly so. Everyone has a different situation so its never straightforward (pardon the pun). But knowing what I know now in hindsight, if I were 28 instead of 48, I would come out completely. There is so much to look forward to. And yes, not everyone will be accepting but you have so many more years to work on being the person you really are.