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I'm still seeing women and men very differently...HELP!

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by caliwoman, Nov 17, 2016.

  1. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    I see men vs women, very differently. With men, I can see the situation for what it is. Women, not so much.

    I'm trying to see both sexes equally. With a man, when he's a douche, a player, emotionally unavailable...I see it and don't get involved. With women, it's the polar opposite.

    With a woman that I was physical with, I explained why I walked away. "I had to look at from a neutral point of view. If you were a man, would I accept this behavior? Of course not...so I walked away." My therapist and best friend agreed with this. If

    Her reply was, "That's the worst advice ever...because I'm not a man. I'm not a man."
    But isn't a boundary, a boundary, regardless of gender? If someone is treating you crappy, does it matter if the person has a penis or vagina?

    Yet, here I am, struggling to find clarity when it comes to the fairer sex.

    The only woman I've had physical experience with, hung up on me last week because I asked her to have an open and honest conversation and if "we could take our walls down for 5 minutes?"

    She snapped back at me, "Look, I've been very direct with you! I don't know where this is coming from! You're making me so uncomfortable right now! So uncomfortable! I'm going to bed!" and then she hung up and I haven't heard from her since.

    She's now back on the dating sites we met each other.

    Logically, I know that this dynamic of a relationship isn't good for me. She has trouble w/emotions and even admitted to it. She hung up on me, hasn't called or texted back, and is back perusing on dating sites. Yet, today, in my mind...I had to fight back the urge to text her.

    I would NEVER text a guy back like that, under those same circumstances. I would think he's a douche.

    She also mentioned her hot boss and a new found interest in women who wear yoga pants. WTH? Who tells someone you dated something like that during your first conversation in months...yet here I am, thinking about telling her i still have feelings for her?

    I thought if I could only get her to see how much I cared for her, she could change her ways and maybe open up to me. Maybe she could see. Maybe she could understand...but c'mon now. That ain't happening. Yet that urge to want to text her was there and I had to fight it back.

    If a woman were message a man back under those same circumstances, after she had walked away from him in the first place...she'd seem desperate, needy, and clingy. But I'm not like that with men. Only the ladies.

    I'm literally laying here trying to picture her as a man right now. Does anyone else have this issue? Still, I don't get why I do this.
     
  2. KSatt

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    It's an interesting dichotomy you're dealing with-admittedly probably less "interesting" and more just down right frustrating on your end. I wonder if part of the reason you find yourself willing to tolerate behavior from women that you wouldn't from men might be because, as a woman yourself, it's easier to identify with another woman and maybe make excuses for why she might've done something. You know, maybe it makes you more apt to give her the benefit of the doubt even when all evidence says you probably shouldn't. In this situation I think your instincts are pretty sound. Boundaries are boundaries and it's not so much about being willing to accept behaviors from any particular sex, but more about having particular standards for yourself, you know? Like just insisting on a certain level of respect for yourself because you're worthy of that respect. In that sense, the gender of the other person is irrelevant because it's not about that; it's about the value you place on yourself. I don't know if that helps. Relationships are complicated, and I am notorious for ending them at any bump in the road. Plus I haven't been in a relationship with a woman yet...so there's that. I don't think you have to have been in a successful relationship to know that people deserve consideration and respect though. Hold out for what you deserve because you're worth it.
     
  3. YeahpIdk

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    How can you tell if someone's being an asshole and sucks? If they're being an asshole and they suck.

    You're empathizing and analyzing people and things that your instincts tell you not to be around, but you're tripping and dragging over it by excusing it away because they're a woman. No. If a woman acts like they're not good for you, go with it.

    I did this with my trigger: "if a man was doing this to me blah blah...I'd be done and leave it." We go through this because we know men are more straight forward and sexual a lot of the time. Women are stereotyped as being game players, thus when we're into women we automatically believe that if they're doing such and such, it's a game. A) sometimes it is, but do you want to stick around with someone who plays games?? As a freaking adult? Sounds tiring as hell. B) they're showing you that they don't really care that much. Either way, those are both things not worth sticking around for.

    It's really not that hard to figure out. For you, because you're in the situation, perhaps. But from an outside view, it's really easy. Not good = not good. If there's a real, good excuse for someone behaving in an off manner, then it comes out. You're not going to miss a chance just because you're trying to dodge ridiculous people. You'll actually wind up missing a chance going back to people over and over that you're trying so hard to figure out when they're not worth figuring out.

    Make decisions to move on and be done with it. It's easier said than done, but maybe start practicing.
     
  4. Creativemind

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    While men and women do have some differences, there is no difference when it comes to emotional red-flags. A cheater is a cheater. An abuser is an abuser. A good partner who loves you is a good partner. An emotionally unavailable partner is emotionally unavailable. These facts will not change regardless of what you have in your pants, so we shouldn't allow any exceptions with gender or else it allows women to get away with shitty behavior.

    Looks like you realize these facts already though. The woman you were with was wrong. The woman who tried to use her gender as an excuse was wrong and she just allows for women to get away with bad behavior.