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Frustrated and torn about what to do

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Sasta, Nov 20, 2016.

  1. Sasta

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    TX
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    I’m so torn and frustrated right now about my life choices. I’m going to be 30 in five short months and I feel like I haven’t even begun to live my true life.

    I realized I was a lesbian during my late teens, but staunchly ignored it up until about two years ago when everything crumbled beneath me and I began re-examining my life.

    Thus far, life hasn’t been too kind, but it could be worst. I’ve come out to a few (now ex) friends, acquaintances, and co-workers, with mostly disastrous results. I’ve never come out to my family. The religion and homophobia is too far ingrained to believe anything good can happen. The current town I’m in is rather volatile towards LGBT individuals, so most people are deeply closeted and pass for their own safety.

    I have never dated, have no friends, and constantly find myself dreaming about an “ideal life” – finding a partner, starting a family, enjoyable stable career, in a nice town - where I don’t have to lie about myself. Not to mention, I prefer a more masculine attire/presentation, which is impossible to safely do here. That has been on the top of my list of frustrations lately.

    You may ask, why don’t you just pack up and leave, relocate to a more gay friendly city if you’re this miserable? When things went badly wrong about two or so years ago, my finances were the hardest hit. I lost my savings, my home, my car, all my possessions, and my credit score is still obscenely low (although it is finally starting to improve). My current job just barely covers my basic living expenses, so there isn’t much to save away. So many of the gay friendly, welcoming cities I’ve visited seem rather expensive with a competitive housing market. My academic background/career experience doesn't align with any moderate to high income positions that flourish in these markets.

    Lately, I’ve spent a lot of nights pondering what to do. Should I take the plunge, try to find a job ahead of time in one of these cities and hope for the best, or stick around where I’m at (unhappily) and try to scrape together a few more pennies for who knows how long. I just feel like the longer I stay here now, the worse it is for my mental health. I’m so scared of failure, but I am equally horrified at the prospect of spending my entire life as a lonely lie and never truly being myself. I desperately want to live an authentic life, but am so lost as to how to go about this without possibly hitting rock bottom again.

    Anyway, thanks for reading. I know that was kind of long, but I needed to get it off my chest with people who would understand.
     
  2. DAFriend

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Arkansas
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I can't tell you what to do but, I can tell you what I would do in your place.

    I would try to find an apprentice or intern type position in one of the cities I wanted to live in or, apply for college grants and loans, and get into a vo-tech or college program that would give me the job skills to compete in my chosen city and, take whatever work-study job I could get.

    If that failed, I'd go for broke, with nothing to loose, I'd pack my clothes and head for a shelter in the city of my choice. Has to be a clerk, stocker, housekeeping, some sort of job I can get to get by on until I do find that internship or apprentice program I need to improve my situation.

    The way I figure it, I've got a driver's license, if all else fails, I can learn the city and drive a taxi, or rent a car through UBER for an income, if I have to do it. I can stock shelves, flip burgers, even wash dishes or clean hotel rooms. I'll sweep sidewalks if I have to. It isn't what I would want but, it's a chance to start over in a place I want to be and, I've got nothing here so, even nothing there but a better Pride scene is better than nothing here and no Pride scene and, hiding who I am for the rest of my life.

    Obviously you want to try to get something lined up before making the move, but if you can't, I'd go for it anyway were I in your place.
     
  3. Asking

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    New York
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    All I can really say is, I feel your pain. According to my religion my type should be burned at the stake, and I hope your family can get past them. honestly, if I were you I'd just go for it, start dating, deal with the family. They'll have to get past it. Good luck no matter what you decide to do.
     
  4. FalconBlueSky00

    Full Member

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    Location:
    TX
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I've been doing a bunch of research about moving somewhere more friendly myself. There are a some smaller towns that are very liberal and LGBT friendly. Colorado has some, and I'm pretty sure the Olympic peninsula in Washington state is LGBT friendly. The smaller towns are much cheaper, and if you don't mind working at the grocery store or something like that they might be a better fit. Also look into full time RVing as it is a very affordable housing option. Rents are usually under 600 a month even in bigger cities.

    Don't be afraid to ask for help on kickstarter also. There are so many people who have been in your place.

    Check out HUD rentals, and student grants. If your parents were military and didn't go to college you might be able to use their college credit hours. There are lots of programs out there but in TX you're never going to hear about them without research. Don't give up it's not hopeless. Does the job your at have stores in other locations? If so you might could transfer to another location. People do it all the time! Good luck!

    Here's some links to places I've been looking at in mostly Colorado
    https://www.roadsnacks.net/most-liberal-cities-in-colorado/
    Gay-friendly small towns (employment, college, live in) - General U.S. - City-Data Forum
    The 7 Best Towns in Colorado for LGBT Families - Movoto
    Welcome to gay friendly Denver-Boulder Metro Area - Gay ColoradoGay Colorado
    Welcome to Gay Friendly Western Slope/Rocky Mountains - Gay ColoradoGay Colorado
     
  5. RosePetals76

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Illinois
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Your story sounds similar to my girlfriend's story. She would never have come out back home. It was when she had just moved to a very LGBT friendly place and her first coworker she started to get close to asked her if she had a partner that she started coming out.

    You said that your mental health gets worse the longer you stay there, I think that's where your own answer lies. We all truly know what's best for ourselves and usually put our answers into our questions.

    Maybe there's a job out there that would provide you with a place to live. I know that's how she moved in the first place.

    Good luck. I hope you find that safe space you're looking for.