Hello. I'm new to this site. I joined because I'm in a difficult and confusing situation and I hope I can get some advice and maybe make some friends. I'm female and have been married to a man for five years. Throughout my life I've dated men and women (not at the same time!!). I've been physically attracted to men and women, but mentally and emotionally attracted only to women. I am a 100% monogamous person, devoting myself only to the person with whom I'm in a relationship. My marriage is not going well at all. We argue all the time and we have not been physical with each other in nearly four years (I have no desire for him at all). We have different interests, so it's kind of like we're roommates who aren't dating anyone, if that makes sense. Strange thing is that he seems perfectly fine with this. I'm not. I want out, but I'm afraid. We have a lot of debt and I'm worried that I can't afford to move on my own. I'm in my late 50s and I'm a cancer survivor. I worry that if I leave this marriage I'll be alone and no one would ever want a girlfriend with this much baggage. My dream is to find a wonderful woman to be my best friend, lover, soulmate, and life partner. My marriage is depressing at best, but at least I'm not completely alone. I'm scared to do anything, so we just keep going on this way. I am not happy in my current lifestyle, but change terrifies me. All of my friends are "our" friends (hetero couples). I have no LGBT friends, and therefore, no one to talk to about this. Sorry for such a long intro, but I'm so confused!
I can really relate to this. I've been married for 18 years, but the last 2 have been a downward spiral. We are right now getting a divorce. 20+ years of all the same freinds, and none of them LGBT. It's really scary leaving the security of having someone at least be in the house. How I'm handling it is talking to my fear. My fear says, what if you never make any more friends? I say back to it give me the statistical likelihood over never making a friend again. My fear says, what if your alone forever? I freak out a bit, then say that's very unlikely, but if that does happen it doesn't automatically mean I'll be unhappy about it. It's hard to be in your position trying to make that decision, so far that was the worst phase for me. I hope that you find peace in a decision you know to be right.
Anja, I'm really sorry that you're going through this turmoil. I have never been married and I came out as gay fairly young, so I can't give any advice from experience. Through the anxiety, are you able to calm yourself enough to listen to your heart? I find that when I'm in a really dark place I take my emotions to be reality, but this is just a distortion. Just because I feel a certain way doesn't make it so. I also tend to dwell on my problems, compounding the fear. If you have heard your heart and you are certain about your sexual and romantic orientation, I would suggest making a plan of action. Give yourself time to take it slow, and think about what steps might help. It seems you have several topics to deal with separately that are inter-related to your sexuality. I think taking these topics individually and slowly can help alleviate the feeling of being overwhelmed. I would also recommend seeing a therapist. A therapist will be able to help you make your plans and will be a sounding board, spotting potential distortions in your thinking or other potential areas for work. I think of my therapist as a trusted advisor. Please take stock of yourself and remember that you are lovable, no matter the outcome of this situation. You're at a crossroads that will take time to navigate and may seem overwhelming at first. Love yourself and give yourself the time and space to approach it deliberately and in a way that makes sense for you. *warm hugs* Patrick Seattle, WA
Anja, Also, I gave advice to another person here on EC who is sorting out their sexual orientation. My advice was basically to allow self-love, quiet the fear, and listen to the heart. My post is here. I hope it might be useful. *warm hugs* Patrick Seattle, WA
I'm in your situato on right now. I'm not financially independent, I had been going through the process but I'm still scared that I will lose everyone because they think my husband is the victim while I'm the bad guy. But I wouldn't trade it. It feels too good to be out and open and I love it. I dunno if this helps but I wear a rainbow bracelet on my wrist. I look at it when times are tough and when I want to go back into hiding. That helps me though and whatever helps you can be different. I would say the therapist idea is the best. I used one to help the turmoil between me and my ex aand while not all of the problems are solved, it helped.
Wow, what great responses...THANK YOU!!! Seeing a therapist is a great idea. Finding the right therapist is another story. As for being certain about what I want, I've never known myself well enough to be certain about anything. I have attended Christian church regularly for the past few years. My husband is an atheist and hates any kind of religion, so he won't go. My church is quite liberal and gay-friendly, and I've spoken to the priest about a lot of very personal things over the years, but I'm not ready to talk about this with her at this point. Admitting to anyone I know that (1) I want a divorce and (2) I want to be with a woman is extremely scary. But I think I will take the step of seeing a therapist.
