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Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by johndeere3020, Nov 29, 2016.

  1. johndeere3020

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    fell alone, empty, and worthless the last couple of days. Like I did when I was a teenager and didn't want to be here anymore....
     
  2. greatwhale

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    What if the "I" you speak of can be seen as an integral, indivisible part of the larger whole? What if you saw yourself not as something other, apart from nature, but rather a part of what the universe wants to express? The "you" that is, is part of all the series of improbable events that led the world to say: you are...

    In this sense, are you truly alone? There can be no you without the universe, and the universe cannot be without you, they are two sides, or polarities of the same coin.

    You need to answer a very important question: what do you desire? Go beyond fantasies of gaining power, or representations of wealth, such as money, or fame. What do you desire? If you desired some delicious food, then what you really desire is you + that food in you, together. You are then extended out of just you, into more than you are. If you desire to love, then you desire to be you + your beloved, then you are more than yourself, or better, truly yourself with that other.

    Your worth is the worth of the universe, you are its abundance, your mind is the scintillating culmination of eons of evolution...you are part and parcel of this world, and there is nothing so valuable as that.
     
  3. johndeere3020

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    The universe would go on without me like it did before I was here...Like it has since my friend J hung himself and the T &T brothers and S shot themselves, my friends from high school.
     
  4. Guff

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    If it at all matters you're important to me, and my universe would definitely be worse if you weren't in it anymore.

    Have you considered seeking help from a therapist?
     
  5. johndeere3020

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    guff, that was the nicest thing any one (crying) has said to me in quite awhile
     
  6. TravelerMe

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    I'm with guff; you matter. Just reading this thread touches my heart. So you matter. Please keep talking here and keep searching for connections with the world like GW said above.
     
  7. greatwhale

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    I also had a friend who hanged himself, I miss him very much and my world is diminished because of it.

    The ancient rabbis had a saying: "He who saves a life saves the world entire"...each life is a universe all on its own. Are you so certain that without you the universe would go on as before?
     
  8. johndeere3020

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    NO, it would affect others just as J's death affected me. I'm doing better this morning, the sun is finally shining and the clouds are gone.

    This is the time of the year where I lost part of a hand to a farm accident. 33 years ago, for some reason memories that I thought I put to bed all came rushing back.

    Got to thing about my friend laying in the coffin with the bid turtle neck shirt on...I had just seen him a couple of days before...

    A life time of depression of depression about not being straight, that I thought I was/have been beating came rushing back...

    I was kinda furbar for a few days I guess.

    I just have to remember, lost friend of the past make room for new friends of the future like you, Guff and all the other people from EC.
     
  9. greatwhale

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    :thumbsup:
     
  10. MOGUY

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    JD, I too suffered with depression until I finally came out to my wife and learned to accept myself as I am. I was in my mid-50s at the time. Wish I'd done it sooner. You're in my prayers, friend.
     
  11. OldDog1952

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    I know this isn't going to sound very encouraging & I apologize in advance. I know how you feel. My whole life has been mostly gray, but I'M OK with it. If your theory of Heaven & Hell is correct, all I have to say is I swear there aint no Heaven,but I pray there aint no Hell. I'd be perfectly happy spending eternity in the gray area. Why not it's where I'vie spent most of my life.As far as worthless goes I never felt that way until recently. As my health has been declining I feel more & more useless. I have always been able to take care of myself. Now I find myself more & more dependent on others. I can't stand it. I keep hoping for an end to the pain & suffering. However none comes. I wish you Luck & hope your story ends better than mine.:icon_sad:
     
  12. SiennaFire

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    The depression is most likely caused by (or made worse by) not being honest with yourself about your sexuality. If you are clinically depressed, please seek professional help to alleviate the symptoms while you work on the cure (i.e., coming out and accepting your sexuality). Based on my personal experience, things will get much better as you stop lying to yourself and others and begin to accept yourself for who you really are. Life will start to make sense in ways that are so unexpected when you live aligned with your sexual orientation. For example, you'll enjoy dating because guys are so much fun to be with. So hang in there and carry on.
     
    #12 SiennaFire, Dec 3, 2016
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2016