Hi. I am a 47 year old lesbian and have been out for over 25 years. I am divorced and have one adult child and grandchild who are totally accepting of my sexuality. I am very open about my preferences and feel very fortunate that family and friends are accepting of my choices. The issue that I am having is that I have been in a committed relationship with a straight woman for the past year and she has not told anyone in her world the true nature of our relationship. She is 50 years old, legally married but separated for over six years to a mentally unstable man whom she is afraid to divorce due to his violent history. She also has three adult children in their later 20's as well as small grandchildren. ......Although she loves me and we are in a romantic and sexual relationship she is certain of her preferred preference of men. She has no interest in other women, never has, nor has she ever been curious. She refers to herself as totally straight and has not told anyone in her life about the true nature of our relationship..... not even her BFF that she has known for 30 years. She isn't homophobic but has this extreme fear of losing her children, family and friends if she is honest about our relationship..... especially to her son who is very religious. I have gotten close to her children but they think of me as her BFF who happens to be gay. I spend huge amounts of time at her house and have come to love her children very much.......but they have NO IDEA that we are in a romantic relationship. So the problems that I am having all involve the obvious.... the dishonesty and lying to everyone, the restrictions of what I can say and do in public, time apart during holidays and such because she can't explain my presence because we are just "friends" and basically leading a double life and forced to be back in the closet in some ways....Im sure there are 1000 more issues but those are the most pressing right now. ...... I don't want to end the relationship but am trying to find a ways to be patient and to accept her choices. I know that if I pressure her too much I could drive her away or worse .....cause to tell her children and risk losing them before she is ready. .... She may never be ready ..this I know.....but I also know that I can't live in denial and dishonesty forever. I know that I probably should have never gotten involved w a straight woman but that is a mute point now. I love her and she loves me so we are just trying to make it thru.... any thoughts or suggestion would be appreciated......
This sounds exhausting and I'm sorry you're dealing with it. Some thoughts: She's not straight. You know it. I know it. And somewhere deep down, she knows it - and it scares the living shit out of her. She's made it clear why; she's afraid that being gay will make her lose her kids, especially the religious son. But the fact that she is in a romantic relationship with you for over a year now is all the proof you need. She may not be a lesbian persay, but she is attracted to a woman and likes to have a sexual (assuming) and romantic relationship with one, which is the very definition of not straight. Sexuality is fluid, and her being with you doesn't mean she'll always be attracted to women, but she is being completely dishonest with herself. Do you think her kids really don't know? They're in their 20s and you've been romantic for quite some time. I wouldn't be surprised if some did. Either way, if they're accepting of you, why does she believe they wouldn't accept her? I understand that it can be different when it's their direct family member, but still. Do you feel like she could leave you at any moment if you were to rock the boat by bringing up your feelings? Because that's not a healthy, stable relationship. I think you need to have an extremely honest talk with her about your feelings. I don't think it's fair for you to stay in the closet like this, but I understand being in love and doing whatever you need to to stay with that person. If you're okay with that, it's one thing, but your post suggests you're really struggling with these things. That's why you need to be extremely open about this with her. You say you can't live in dishonesty and denial forever. I agree and don't believe you should have to. It'll be really hard, but she needs to hear it.
Everything YeapIdk said! Great thoughts there. I really really feel for you. I am going to pray for you, just that this is resolved in a way that is for yours and your partners highest good. It sounds excruciating. One thing I have thought a lot about over the last few years is that you really can't change anyone else. You can only decide who you will be and then live those values. So very hard but unfortunately life will really test some of us on this one. Sending you a giant hug and the hope of resolution and peace in your heart.
This is a hard situation. But in all honesty you need to be happy too. Talk to her and explain she makes you feel this way. I'm not sure if she's going to change her mind but maybe she needs a nudge. Just remember you're important too.
I'm not saying leave her but I think you have to assume the worst that she will never come out and decide if you can live with that. I am in a long term relationship of 7 1/2 with a girl who isn't out for her parents and I can tell you if you are finding it difficult after a year it only gets worse.
You are conflicted because you are in a relationship that lacks honesty and integrity with someone that you love. You will reach a point (if you haven't already) where you can no longer accept this, so at some level you need to decide which is more important to you - your own integrity or her love. Once you understand this, the path forward will be clear.
