Hi everyone, I'm new, but this forum has been great. I would like to share my story.... So, I am not sure where to start - I am pretty bad at telling stories - so I am just going to blurt it out and see what happens. I am 32 y/o British guy, living overseas and have been married to a local (female) for about 4 years now. I have always felt sexually fluid and have never hesitated to comment on an attractive guy. I have enjoyed gay porn, and in my teenage years I made out with a few gay friends during drunken house parties. But I never thought of myself as "gay". However, the last few years - things have changed. I started responding to casual encounters on Craigslist - random guys, crossdressers, etc. - I am not sure why I started doing it, but I needed something different that I couldn't get in my marriage. I even made a profile on ****** - set for both guys and girls - but I only really matched with guys and I enjoyed that fact the most. The girls I connected with I never had an real desire to meet, but the guys excited me much more. December last year I matched with one guy, and we got chatting and briefly spoke on the phone. I even shared my true personal situation with him, while he was a bit shocked, he was happy to grab a coffee and see where it went. Now, we have been seeing each other for about 10 months (and I stopped my profile on ******), and I know what you are thinking - I am only in it for the sex. Well, actually no, we have only had sex 3 times in the 10 months, the relationship is so much more. We connect, I enjoy his company, I love walking around town with him, being with him, and then cuddling during a movie, kissing and travelling. I have come to realize, I am gay. I really am. Now, I know, I have a wife in this story. Our relationship is rocky, I cannot bare to have sex with her now (I avoid at all costs and struggle to get aroused). I need to leave her, I want to leave her, I want to be out and be a gay man and I want to have a real relationship with my boyfriend. But I am terrified! I am sure you all hate me right now. I am sorry, I did not know about this until too late. I made stupid decisions and now I know I am going to break the heart of a woman I said I was be with forever. But I am living a lie, the longer it goes on, the more I am feeling distant from her and the more I long for a different life. I am expecting comments like, just break it off with her, you're a coward, etc.. I know this - I am going to break up with her! I have to, I owe it to her and I owe it to myself. I am just genuinely scared. Am I making the right decision? I am planning to tell her after the new year. Why wait you ask? Well, there are some important things going on her life which I don't wish to disrupt - I think waiting for a new year and a fresh start is best. But I will tell her, I will tell her I am gay and that we cannot be together. But I will not tell her about my boyfriend on the side. I am starting to lose focus on my writing, I am sorry, so I will summarize. TLR 32 y/o realizes he's gay, married to woman last 4 years (no kids) - but now dating a boy (he really likes, possibly loves) for last year. Will leave wife in new year - but needs some kind words from others to reassure he's making the right decision. Anyone had a similar situation?
It's the only thing you can do really. It's clear that you have left the marriage behind already, on an emotional and physical level, and you can no longer be the husband your wife needs or deserves. Breaking it off is important and necessary for both of you. Added to that, the fact that you are deeply involved with another man. None of us are here to judge you or hate you and I would hope members in this part of the forum will have some understanding and appreciation for the difficult circumstances you find yourself in. It is scary and totally normal to feel terrified, but I would suggest no less scary or terrifying than carrying on an affair with all of the risks of being found out. Beyond the fear of telling your wife, are there any other issues connected to your sexuality that are causing worry or concern?
Many of us in the LGBT Later in Life forum have faced a similar situation (so nobody hates you) and decided to end the marriage. Personally I feel that it's the best thing to do when faced with the situation. It's not fair to your wife for you to live a double life, so telling her as soon as it makes sense is the right thing to do. This blog post might help you prepare for the conversation - Preparing to come out to your spouse as gay
Sounds like your reaching the point where you need to sit down and talk with your wife. Fortunately, four years of marriage without kids is less complicated a situation to navigate co pared to some of us whom been married longer with kids. Good news is you can navigate it. There will be some hurt and pain but everyone will be better off in the end, both your wife and yourself. I would suggest to keep your boyfriend at arms length as much as you can. I am sure he can be a good support for you, however, you may not be able to reciprocate to him in a meaningful way until you have come out the other side of your current situation. So proceed with caution with him to avoid further complications.
Dear Friend, I know your feeling, fear and struggles. I was married for 30 years before I accepted myself as gay. My wife always suspected something was wrong as I didn't want sex and couldn't get aroused. I'm so much happier now. My ex-wife and I are still friends. I'd recommend you share your feelings and pain with her. You could be surprised because women do have that special intuition. My prayers are with you.
In all honesty my biggest fear is the reaction of my wife. I know she is mentally not strong, and this news is going to destroy her. I just know it. We had a rather serious talk during the summer and I actually confessed that I was not sure if I loved her. Her reaction completely surprised me. She actually apologised to me. Saying it was her fault and pushed me away and this was why I didn't love her. She also made some comments that if I left her she could not go on with her life. I am sure this is an empty threat - but it scared me enough. Since then I have been nice, but distant. Biding my time on when best to tell her. But I've come to realize there will be no best time. But her mental situation really disturbs me. I can see elements of how a wife survives in an abusive relationship. I'm not abusive at all, but I'm cold and distant. And she gets upset and frustrated. Then all I need to do is show a tiny bit of affection and she's all happy again. She never digs down or asks me what's wrong. I guess she's in denial or scared if she does probe she'll find out something she doesn't want to. I don't know how to deal with her at all.
It's not uncommon at all for wives in this situation to be aware at some level of "what is wrong." Many say afterward, "How could I not have recognized who you are." Some may even acknowledge having had a special attraction to their husbands because of who they are. I agree with the other men who have posted that you are on the right track. I think it's important to set a deadline, such as "after Christmas," and stick to it. You are right, there is no "good" time for something like this. Your wife will need support through this, and for obvious reasons, you cannot be that support (though you can, of course, be supportive). Does she have relatives or friends that can help her through this? If so, it's important that they be brought in at the earliest stages — don't let her suffer in silence because she's too embarrassed to let anyone else know.
Hi kaatisu84, There are so many of us who know your situation very well, and I am one of them. You are definitely not alone and no one here hates you, or even thinks badly of you. I accepted the fact that I'm gay about two years ago, and have just separated from my wife in order to finally be the open and out gay man that I need to be. I have been married for 20 years and have 2 kids with her. There is no good way to do this, and there is no good time to do this. But, as you already know, it must be done. Just be patient with her and with yourself. This process takes time and shouldn't be rushed. Before you come out to your wife, I would suggest that you be prepared for whatever might occur. Some wives want you gone immediately, some fall apart and need your support. There are a wide variety of reactions from straight spouses. The process of grieving for this loss of your marriage (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance) is something that she will have to go through as she processes your coming out and this can't be sped up - it takes the time it takes. Keep reading the posts here and keep writing to us. It helps. Take care. ride:
I had a Skype call with my mum a few days ago (with my wife). A mother's intuition - she noticed something was not right. So she emailed me separately and asked me if I am okay. I decided to tell her. Not the full truth, but I told her I was not okay, and that there was something bothering me. I told her that there was something not work related that I was dealing with and I would tell her when I am ready. I think I will come out to my mum next month. I think this is a good first step to give me the confidence and put the pressure on myself to come out to my wife a little later. Am I doing the right thing?
It's clear, from what you are telling us, that you do care about your wife and want the best outcome for her, but also for you. She is aware that you are not happy, but I don't think it was strictly true when you told her that you don't love her. I would suggest you do love her and that's why you want the best outcome possible. In actual fact, many gay men in straight marriages really do love their wives a lot, and never stop loving them, even after separation and divorce. The problem arises because the love is more akin to friendship, rather than the deep chemistry that makes a marriage work and endure. I don't know what the set up is in Tokyo/Japan with relationship counselling, but I would urge you to look into it and see if it might offer you and your wife a way forward. It will not be designed to keep you together (because that's not going to work, for you) but it might help to facilitate an amicable separation and lessen the pain and heartache - for both of you. If both parties agree and commit to the process of relationship counselling in a positive way, a good and loving friendship can rise out of ashes. How would you feel about that? As a British guy, you may be familiar with the UK relationship charity Relate. You could check out their website (link follows) and see if it offers you any ideas: https://www.relate.org.uk/
Well an update from me. Without any plan, I told my wife last night, during the heat of an argument, that I am gay. Wow! I shouted it across the room. It was incredible, I thought I was going to be sick, and I broke down in tears the moment I said it. My wife's reaction was not unsurprising. First she said "no you're not!".... And she tried to comfort me while I was crying. I explained more, and then she went into " oh okay, this is fine, nothing will change, we'll work something out...." After about 6 hours, she went into intense sadness as she felt she lost me, followed by anger and fury at me for keeping this secret and wasting her last 7 years. She has been swinging between crying and anger, until I managed to get her back to acceptance stage - even though she talking like nothing will change between us (which is not want I want). I didn't have the heart to say I wanted to leave her right away, I felt that was too much and she needs time to think about the situation so that that outcome becomes more likeable for her, and closer to her decision. I stressed that I loved her (but not in the way that she expects). It's now the following morning, and I am waiting to see what happens today. I think we are gonna see how things work out for the next month or two. Business as usual. I'm assuming after a while she'll begin to see the benefit of separating and that discussion will be easier to approach. What should I do? Am I doing the right thing?
I want to keep writing. It's been 4 days since I came out to my wife and she's been swinging between devastation and hope that she can save our marriage. I don't have the heart to tell her I want to leave, not yet anyway. We are seeing a counselor tonight to talk it through and I've asked her for a month separation in January so I can think things myself. Also I hope this gives her time to realise she can live without me. Things are all up in the air right now and I don't know how to bring them down. My heart wants out, but I think she needs me. How can I be firm but fair at the same time?
You should keep posting - you'll find supportive ears here on EC (&&&) This roller coaster of emotions is typical for the straight spouse. You've had many years to accept your sexuality, and she'll need some time to process and accept the news. Since you identify as gay rather than bisexual, then I would agree that you are doing the right thing ending the marriage so that each of you can move on and find authentic love. Getting to the point where you both accept this will take some time, so try to keep the lines of communication open.
We went to counseling and it was the biggest waste of time and money I've ever experienced. The therapist was horrible. He spent 45 minute jumping to conclusions that I was not gay, I was simply bored with my wife and I would soon get bored of any man that I started dating. He claimed that this was what gay men did and this is why they always jump from one sexual partner to the next. He accused me of watching too much porn which as tricked me into thinking I was gay. If I was really gay I would be repulsed by my wife and I would only want to go shopping with her. He believes that there are two types of people sexually, normal people and mutants. Mutants being lgbt people and that normal people should realise that in order to survive they need to reproduce with members of the opposite sex - that's human nature. Like seriously, WTF!!! I was so shocked and upset. Thankfully my wife was also shocked and thought the therapist was a horrible man. I've never been to anything like that before and I will probably never go again. We made no process and I am back to square one. The ordeal gave my wife and I plenty to talk about, it indirectly cheered her up, and I could sense her feeling that we had hope of staying together - which is still not what I want to do. Thankfully a colleague of hers also recommended we separate for a month or two in the new year. So that is still the plan. I will leave the house in January and give ourselves some distance. During this time I am hoping she will think carefully about the seriousness of our situation and it will give me some courage to really leave her. I agree she is still processing everything but last few days she has been more positive about the future, a future together. I do not want to give her false hopes. But I do not want to abandon her so coldly.
