It's been about a month since I really started facing the feelings I've had for the last 30 years or so. I had crummy relationships with men all my life, and finally got to the place where I was OK with being alone. I was able to keep my attraction to women tucked away in a place that I learned to ignore. Now though, now that I've talked about it with a lesbian friend and my therapist, it's just too hard. Talking about it made it more real, and I'm thinking it would have been better if I've never said it out loud. I want to tuck all of this back in that safe place and forget I ever acknowledged it. I don't want this to be happening, and don't want to deal with it. I keep thinking it would be just so much better that way. My stomach is in knots all the time, I'm cranky, I'm terrified, and I'm constantly on the verge of tears - if not actually crying. I never asked for this, and I don't want it. Has anybody else ever felt like this?
It's been awhile since I've felt that way - dealing with the fear, uncertainty, and doubt about my own sexuality. You are coming to terms with your sexuality, and you are resisting with your mind what you know in your heart to be true. Emotional pain is caused by resistance to what is. You feel these emotions because you are fighting your sexuality. You can minimize your pain by embracing what is there and stop fighting it. I know that's easier said than done. This is a normal part of the process, for you are grieving the loss of your ersatz heterosexuality. You will feel denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance as you process and unlearn your internalized homophobia that you learned growing up, namely, that being gay is shameful and wrong. You will discover that being gay is who you are, and you may even discover one day that you feel fully alive loving another woman. This quote helped me when I was coming out Ignoring your feelings though convenient won't make them go away. Face your feelings and fears and you will find happiness on the other side.
Hi Hannah, I know you've read my story, and I first came out to myself and acknowledged my homosexuality two years ago. I tried to go back into a state of denial after doing this. I am proof that it doesn't work - once you come out to yourself, you simply can't pretend anymore. It only led to anxiety and depression. You really only have two options as I see them, to accept yourself and move on to the life you were supposed to have, or suppress yourself to the detriment of your health and soul. Take care. ride:
Hi HannahM, SF wrote: A few months ago he wrote something similar to me (he is very supportive of people coming out and very patient!) and I brushed it off. I slowly started to realize he had already walked the path I was on. I felt all the things your feeling but you know what else I felt? I was finally acknowledging it . You'll hate, deny it, explain it away, but if you're like me, even between two or three weeks of hating it and yourself, if you'll have the most wonderful incredible feeling of happiness and warmth if you accept it. Another poster gave me a tip try being gay for a day. you can put it away after that. just try one day of accepting it. If that's too long try an hour. I found it helpful at first to just accept it when i was home.
HannahM, I am not saying it's easy or automatic, but one day I woke up and realized I felt exactly how SF describes (except about a guy). I realized when I embraced my sexuality and started to think about actually living it, I felt incredibly happy and alive. I and everyone here still has challenges, but it gets a lot easier. I never thought I would have said this a few months ago but I want to be gay and I love being gay, I wouldn't want to go 'back' if I could. please keep posting, let your feelings out, that's what we're here for.
I've been so up and down the past week. When I wrote that message I was obviously at a very low point. What you're all saying makes sense logically, but my emotions have a life of their own. Sienna, you said, I know that to be true. I had been thinking of that even before you posted it. Part of me keeps thinking that 'maybe if I try dating one more guy, that will change everything.' If I'm being honest with myself though, I know that's not true. I've had 30 years of dating men and trying to make myself feel something and it hasn't happened. And yes, I was taught that homosexuality was wrong. I was brought up Catholic and have all the guilt to prove it! I need to get through this one way or another, and I've been telling myself I can get through it by denying it. I think I'm finally starting to see that's not possible. After so many years, I feel like a volcano is erupting and I just can't stop it. That volcano seemed to almost spontaneously erupt when a friend called me on Friday. Nothing she was saying was even remotely related to this, in fact it was quite a pleasant conversation. Yet, as she talked I was holding back the tears, trying so hard to be calm and normal. At one point I just couldn't talk, and there was dead air on the phone. After we hung up, I broke down in a big way. I was in pretty rough shape so I called my lesbian friend (who does know) and told her what happened. She encouraged me to text my friend and tell her what's going on. So I texted and was terrified! I let her know I needed support from somebody close to me (my gay friend is in another state). I let her know via text because I just couldn't bring myself to tell her on the phone or in person. I had a feeling she would be OK with it, but was in tears knowing just how supportive she really is. After just a few messages back and forth she decided to come get me and take me to dinner. The whole evening was terrifying and comforting at the same time. I've talked about it in person with my therapist, but telling a close friend is different. It made it even more real than before, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'm still scared but having a friend know, and be OK with it - and even understand - helps more than I ever imagined it would! findingjoy, I'm going to try taking your advice and 'be gay for a day.' I'm on my way to church this morning (an all inclusive one) and I'll try letting myself feel gay while I'm there. (I'm not sure how to quote properly, sorry I didn't do that.)
Yes I felt this way too - I felt like I was losing control. I thought people would find out I was gay just because I had said it to myself. I thought I was so out of control I'd just have sex with the first guy I saw.... It was very frightening for awhile but it got better, especially when I started to think about the benefits.
I believe I'm at this stage right now, and I have been going on those 'one more dates' with the same idea, "maybe..THIS is the right guy to set everything straight" (haha, no pun intended). After finally facing all these feelings towards other women, those dates are just miserable cause I don't feel like I can offer anything real to those guys. It almost feels like there's no going back, like my brain is finally screaming 'Enough!! This is not how it's supposed to be!!'. Best of luck - xoxo
Exactly how I felt (except I am a gay guy). There came a point where I got tired of fighting myself. But a big emotional step for was to go from accepting gay thoughts to 'ok I am gay", to actually wanting to act on those thoughts. I realized I wanted to be gay. at first that was very scary to accept but when I did i felt an incredible rush of emotion "this is me!" now I don't want to go back to denial and honestly I don't want to be straight, I want t fully embrace my sexuality now By the way I see this is your first post, so welcome!
Embracing the volcano is the path to happiness based on my experience. This site is full of stories of people who embraced their sexuality and are much happier today on the other side. There are also people who are stuck because they continue to deny their sexuality. Congratulations - this is a huge step! :eusa_clap Coming out to others is very liberating indeed! Because of your upbringing you feel ashamed of who you are and that's why your secret has so much power over you. By coming out and sharing your true self with others, it begins to lose its hold over you. Here are some of the things that I did to overcome my own internalized homophobia when I was coming out. Perhaps some of these thoughts can help you as well - Healing the shame of being gay, take 2, draft 1
Thank you! I've read a lot of posts and seeing everyone's journey is extremely encouraging. I'm not quite there yet, some days I'm not even sure where THERE even is. But I'm working through it with a clearer head at least.
Thank you! I've been up and down on the emotions since I told her, but I'm glad I did. I suppose that's one more step toward accepting it. I hope it doesn't take me too awfully long to get to where some of you are. I certainly don't like being where I am at the moment, but I know I can't turn back now. I suppose that, in itself, is a big step. Thank you for the link. That was all so help, I subscribed so I can read it again.
It sounds like you have a healthy attitude about this. I knew there was no turning back but I still resisted. A lot of people here have experienced a 'roller coaster' , from feeling incredibly elated to very anxious (for me it was when i in denial or trying to fight it). But slowly the old straight lies became harder and harder to uphold. one question I would ask myself: If there were no barriers, no social pressure, no embarrassment, no guilt, no expectations who would I want to be with? Of course it's harder in the real world, but this exercise helped clarify my feelings.
