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Old questions, brought on by new answers.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by BrookeVL, Dec 3, 2016.

  1. BrookeVL

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    I'm questioning my sexuality again now. Since I've come to the conclusion that I am, indeed, a transgender woman, I've started questioning my sexuality again.

    I like guys, but I like girls more. Or so I thought. I'm wondering how much of what I feel is actually liking girls, and how much is envy and wishing I was them. I'm pretty certain that I feel a mix of both when I see pretty girls, just which is stronger?

    I sadly am not in a position to date. I don't feel I'd be a good partner right now, not with everything I'm going through. I wouldn't want to date a severely depressed, closeted, pre-everything, trans girl with an alarming number of self harming thoughts(I'm sometimes shocked I have been able to resist cutting and other forms of self harm). Also, most anyone I'd want to date would either not be attracted to me now, or won't be(hopefully) this time next year. I also don't want to drag another person down with me.

    The main reason dating or even just hooking up is off the table is, I don't want to have sex OR a relationship as a guy. Male relationship roles are not for me, I'm a woman not a man. More importantly, the idea of having sex with someone, and actually using "it" in that way....actually grosses me out. It's not that I wouldn't be able to get past it, but it might be hard. Maybe with the right person though....

    Also This may sound conceited, but I want to be treated like a princess in bed(actually a lot of the things I want in bed are impossible, I don't have those parts yet). Actually somewhat in relationships too. I want to be the princess, and treat my partner like a prince(ss).

    In a lot of ways I really don't care about my partners sex or gender, as log as we're compatible. I'd even be willing to date other pre-op trans people.

    So I guess it'll be a long time until this gets sorted out?
     
  2. Creativemind

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    If you have really bad genital dysphoria, there's always the option of keeping shorts/skirt/whatever you wear on and focusing on other parts. Are you hoping for SRS? And if you did get genital surgery, do you think sexuality and relationships would be less of an issue (as in your sexuality wouldn't be as conflicting)?

    A lot of trans people can appear sex-repulsed because of the dysphoria, but it may go away if it lessens.
     
  3. BrookeVL

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    My dysphoria towards my genitals is weird. I don't like them, but I'm not repulsed by them, most of the time, only when I get very severely depressed does that come up. I'd be fine with oral, I think, that doesn't repulse me, and I have done it before. I've never penetrated but I kinda want to, even though the thought of it makes me sick most times.

    I'm not sure if I want SRS or not. I do, but it's expensive and risky, especially since I'm okay with my genitals , for now. I have heard that transition can make you hate them more, the deepper you get into it. Who knows.
     
  4. BrookeVL

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    Oh, and to answer your question, I do think genital surgery would help a lot in that regard. I do think having a vagina would clear up a lot, as I'd finally be able to be made love to in the exact way I want, regardless of who I'm with.
     
  5. Creativemind

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    I think it would help if you got some help with your depressive/self-harm tendencies before you even attempt dating. Obviously, the dysphoria complicates the depression, but a therapist might help make it more manageable. Then if you find yourself open to dating, maybe try to be honest about your feelings with your partner. The difficulties, and what relationship roles/sexual acts are difficult. You might find someone to work with you.

    As for the penetration part, if you both like and hate the idea of it, you can start it out by wearing a strap-on instead of using your genitals the first time. Many cis women do this, so it can help ease yourself into being used to it by following a more typical role associated with women. Then if you want to go natural, the feelings of it being "off" might lessen with practice.
     
  6. BrookeVL

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    I am trying to make an appointment with a therapist who specializes in gender dysphoria in the near future. I don't have a lot of money, but at this time I feel this to be a necessity.

    I could try that I suppose. I still want to wait until I'm at a place where I pass as a woman, though. I can't bear the thought of being anyone's "boyfriend." It just feels so wrong. Not to mention it would be hard to find a willing partner ATM....