I feel I have totally accepted myself as gay and I want it, but....

Sigh. I can relate to this 100%. I also don't get it. Let me know if you figure it out.

 

Hey findingjoy,

I'll give the a shot in the dark.

Do you also have feelings of guilt when you 'check out' guys in real life?

Do you think you could still have a lot of internalized homophobia which is telling you that checking out guys in real life is 'just wrong'? There is a difference between understanding our sexual orientation and actually fully accepting it. It took me two years from the time that I came to understand my sexuality until I actually knew that I accepted it to the point that I was completely, internally comfortable with it.

Just some thoughts...

 

LOL! It couldn't hurt. At least a trained therapist could talk to you in much more specific detail about your problem and give you profession input...

 

I think you need to accept your feelings whatever they are at any moment. So if you were not interested in guys at the race and more interested in looking at women, then you can and should just accept it. It's more important that you accept yourself as you are than that you have feelings or react in ways that you think are "gay." Sexuality is on a spectrum and is often not binary ... it's probably more common that people feel some attraction of varying degrees to both sexes at different times. Also, I've found that my sexual feelings in particular situations can be affected dramatically by who is there, what else is going on around me, etc. In my experience generally sexual reactions are not within our conscious control and cannot be planned for. So if you enjoyed looking at women at the race and you also got horny later thinking about giving a blowjob, then that's how it was and it's just fine. What happens next will be whatever happens next ... it's what makes things interesting!

By way of endnote that you (and others) may choose to ignore: I believe the label "gay" is really more useful as a political tool to give power to people who don't fit into the monolithic ("straight") norm that is also, coincidentally, false. Applying any particular label to one's self and then using the label as a basis to judge one's feelings and thoughts is limiting and unnecessary.

 

I can relate to this as well. I've come to the conclusion that in my case, looking at women was more related to trying to vicariouly experience their bodies. I look at them, now I finally grasp the difference, not as a hetero man who wants to f*ck, but as someone who can almost feel the femininity in my own body when I see a hot girl. I look at hot women more with admiration and a bit of envy, rather than targeted sexual desire. I think I will be more able to look at man with that kind of targeted desire once I have more concrete experiences and get rid of my internalized homophobia. To me it is already clear that at a very primal sexual level, I am strongly attracted to masculinity

 

A label is merely shorthand and for some people applying the label can be empowering, liberating, expanding, and necessary to understand, accept, and communicate their sexuality, especially if the label and all that it represents scares them in a very fundamental and visceral way.

 

Outside of races, ever find a particular type of guy catch your fancy? Ever meet a guy and just based on chemistry felt a spark? What about guys of other shapes and sizes that might not frequent races?

 

I am glad you that my post helped you, findinjoy. It took me ages to figure this out. I suppose that the key is to be able to identify what you most primal basic bodily desires are, as opposed what other parts of the brain (reason, thinking) are telling you to do, the stuff you 'learned' that its best for you, for your future, etc... i.e. stuff you think that is gonna be good for you and make you happy. Instead, ask yourself what type of shapes and textures do your hands want to touch and feel, what sort of tastes and smells do you want to experience, what type of positions do your body want to be in? What does naturally turn your body on? To me, these were the most helpful questions in my own experience so far.

 

I think this is really common in the coming out experience. I have some thoughts:

When I was freaking out over liking a woman, and then freaking out about not being straight and not truly knowing what my sexuality was, I went out looking at any and everybody. Who did I find hotter? Men and women would walk past me on the sidewalk and I wanted to know, "alright, self. Quick. Who would you fuck?" But it doesn't work that way. Think about times you've fallen for someone (assuming you have). It's rare to just look around, find a gorgeous person, and immediately want to have sex with them. So I wouldn't base my sexual orientation on who I find hot out in the street. I like women more now-a-days, but I'm more immediately attracted to men if I'm out and about. The process is different with men and women. For me, attraction to men is all physical. I could be with them, but there's something to the emotional aspect I'm not into in a relationship. With women that I'm attracted to, everything is there. The physical attraction and emotional connection. Like someone said above, I just accept this about myself and move on.

Also, I find that I'm attracted to women who have a more masculine/gender queer vibe about them. I like androgynous chicks, etc. A lot of women in the world are feminine, though. So it is probably only natural that my eye goes to men in public. Perhaps you're into men who are more feminine, and that makes your eye go to women in public? Just a thought.

It struck me when you said you were going out looking for guys to check out and become "sexually aroused" to, but just wound up checking out women. I'd just nudge you to read a little/look into ideas about heteronormativity and toxic masculinity because you're so concerned and consumed by how your body physically reacts to attraction, especially when you're talking about just checking people out. And I don't mean that in an offensive way. But I really think you could benefit from it.

I actually kind of know what you're going through right now, though. Just listen to yourself. You might have to freak out a little while longer to get there, unfortunately.

 

My own shot in the dark:

You say when you're around a bunch of fit guys in tight-fitting clothing, you don't see anyone you're attracted to. This is probably true as well for gay guys who aren't attracted to fit men...who prefer men with a bit more meat or curve. Is there a chance that maybe "fit" just isn't your preferred body type? I mean, maybe it is for women, but in men you want something else? Or maybe you've been "trained" to appreciate fit women, but don't want a fit man? Or as you say, maybe you see fit women, and see your own femininity there...and this has no bearing on what you want in a man?

So part of what I wonder is when you fantasize about giving a guy a blow job, can you see more of the guy than just his cock? What does he look like in your hottest fantasies? Is he trim? Chubby? Hairy? Clothed? Unclothed? What does he like to do in his off hours? If you only see the cock, try to expand your visualization a bit and see more of him.

Just some thoughts...curious to know if anything resonates.

 

It's amazing how deeply these behaviors are imprinted upon us. I suppose the longer we're in the closet, the harder it is to break them. I've been out almost 3 years, and yet I still find myself unconsciously adopting "butch" expressions/actions/mannerisms, even in an exclusively gay environment. For example, most Sunday nights, I go to a tea dance at a local gay club — not because I want to hook up, but just because I like to dance. When guys smile at me, my automatic tendency is to go all stony-faced; I also tend to limit my range of motion so as not to appear too "faggy." Whenever I catch myself doing this, I remind myself that every man in there is a gay man, just like me: some are macho, some are queeny, some are in between. That helps me to relax and be myself, but it requires a conscious effort.

 

Running a 5K sounds like you're pretty fit. When you dated women did you have a "type of woman" you were attracted mentally and physically wise? Like larger women or fit women? younger/ older or bbw vs fit/thin? I ask this because I am in a similar situation here. With women I never had a physical preference though I did date a woman with anorexia and she was unhealthily thin..but I liked BBWs as much as I liked normal sized women and still do occasionally. But with men I tend to be attracted to thin,trim or at least toned but not muscular like a body builder for some reason.

 

I realized that along this journey of coming out and self-acceptance I was taking two steps forward and one step back. The backward step was more like a regrouping not stagnation.

Like you findingjoy I'm amazed at how far I've come in 8 or 9 months. So now I do it purposefully but more like 3 steps forward and 1 back. Reassessing and reassuring myself as I move forward; with a solid footing.

Looking backward without regret or anger and moving forward with confidence and without fear.