Hi guys, I haven't been here for ages. It's been a bumpy ride. A few weeks ago, the anxiety of being in the closet became too much and I came out to my partner of 15 years and mother of my too kids. This is how it started: I had become very goal-oriented (actually, goal-obsessed) in the past few years and last year, I was on a high, having received from life everything and more that I had dreamed of ever having. I would tick the boxes in my head and convince myself of everything I had and how fortunate I was. Still, inside there was that feeling of hopelessness and anxiety eating me alive and I didn't know why. I just hoped I was going to keep on track to achieve the perfect life for me, the kids and my partner for the next few decades and go gracefully after my job on this planet was completed. I felt always in a hurry, always in my own thoughts and never 'in the present'. I just couldn't get things done fast enough and would have pressed the fast-forward button if there was such thing in real life. Just get through with my 'job', as quickly as possible. The only thing I though was still missing was some sort of big career move or something. I was constantly thinking of making it big time, just had to find the perfect thing. Always started something, but couldn't keep my feet on the ground and it quickly became a power trip in my head, then crashed and burned, then on to the next big thing... After the lest time, I started seriouly questioning why I couldn't just be happy with my life, with normal stuff, etc... everything had to become an obsession. Then I started replaying my own life in my head and my earlier experiences, thoughts and everything. Then my sexual fantasies, some few concrete experiences in the past and then, bingo. You are GAY!!! It was like a bomshell. My search was over. Suddenly, everything made a lot of sense and for the first time I felt normal and grounded. However, I had build a whole life by now and would hurt a lot of people around me and cause a lot of disruption if I was to come out and live life as a gay man. So what followed were some months of therapy and going back and forth between acceptance, bargaining, grief, hope, escaping, etc... Until it got to a point when it was just not bearable anymore. It not like I said the words, they just come out of my stomach like vomit. From then on it became a lot better, the anxiety, etc... internally, I am a lot better. However, the situation with my partner is hurting a lot and it can be very painful for both of us. We probably know that our chances of staying together over the long-term are pretty slim, but at the same time, we have a lot of fondness and admiration for each other. For her there is also the issue that she now feels that she may never have been truly loved. This is a difficult one, as now that I am more aware of my sexuality, I can see the difference. I think I know what it entails to love a woman 'as a heterosexual man', i.e. to physically desire her body. I am beginning to realized how much I confused friendship, companionship, admiration with that kind of carnal desire that is the basis of a sexual relationship. While we had great and enjoyable sex, I don't know if on my side of things, it was of that kind that makes you get 'lost in the other'. The way she described her experience was quite telling and I am yet to experience this in my life: to be totally focused on the other. Retrospectively, I think that I always tended to be (at least partially) inside my own head, my own fantasies, even with her. This realization must be incredibly hurtful to her. On the other hand, her kind of experience of being fully immersed in the other is precisely what I want to finally experience. At least we are still on good terms and there is a lot of communication. I hope that we will soon start building up our independence from each other and be able to go and live happy and fulfulling lives, both of us. Cheers and thank you for reading this!
Mr. B, I am impressed by the level of self-awareness, but more especially, awareness of your wife's feelings, that you expressed in this post. I, too, came to a similar realization about the nature of "love," but not until I unintentionally fell in love with another man after I began experimenting with MSM (which itself began after my wife and I ceased having sexual relations). I want to tell you that nearly three years after coming out to my wife, my relationship with her has changed, but is nevertheless extremely close and likely to endure. We are each other's best friend and confidant. It seems to me that the better the relationship beforehand, the better the outcome will be. Cheers to you!
Thank you for your kind words, Weston. I wonder what the determinants factors are for shaping our future relationship and what kind of relationships would be possible in our case. At the moment it seems like a choice between a good relationship based on friendship, understanding, trust and respect or, the fulfillment of my carnal desires. Its not that I don't enjoy sex with her, and we are having quite a lot after my coming out. Its just that I desperately need something else right now. I don't know if its best to let her go and be free and build her own life away from me, or there is a way of conciliating this while remaining together. Personally, I am afraid that trying stuff out while still with her, even with consent, has the potential to cause a lot of hurt and resentment in the long-term. On the other hand, separating now would feel premature and I am afraid of regretting throwing the baby with the water.
Well it's good you're taking caution with all of this. I say let things simmer a little. Waiting sucks but if both of you are just getting used to this then there is a chance other emotions come up afterwards. My husband (ex) is displaying the anger stage right now so it took about four months for denial to get over with. Above all else I think councilling is your next step. Suggesting what you're thinking will help with the situation and having neutral person will help. Do you have any long term goals is mind?
