I am really losing hope. I'm already in my mind twenties and I have never been in a relationship, never had sex, never even been kissed. It is my BIGGEST secret! No one has even the slightest clue. I've been asked out a lot (by guys) and i've turned everyone down. I have been asked out by one girl and I went, but it did not work out. It also kinda broke my heart because I REALLY liked her (I've known her for a while) and don't know why she pulled away. I still see her and it's hard to be around her, it hurts. I am feeling like I am not even meant to find love. It sucks, I just want someone that I like and they also like me! I am not even looking for a soulmate or someone to be with forever. I am seriously just talking about feeling love for the first time. Am I meant to even feel love? I thought I was straight for a long time so I only pursued men in my search for love, but I never found a guy I felt comfortable enough to even date. Recently I accepted I might actually be a lesbian or even bisexual and I have been opening myself up to the possibility of women so maybe I just wasted a lot of time and now I can finally find someone to love now that I am looking in the right place, but I am so discouraged. I know you are meant to love yourself and not rely on someone else to make you happy, but I am SICK of it! I am super independent and strong, but that is because I have had to be. I don't want to continue life alone. They say "it happens when you least expect it" but what the hell? I am sick of this waiting! That girl I went on a date with, it was such a perfect story and I thought "This is it! This is what i've been waiting for!" It was a total surprise and it was perfect and then it just went flat. I was left so confused, like did I fuck it up? what happened? I am convinced there is no one in this world meant for me. I am so discouraged. Does anyone here have some encouraging stories that will make me feel like there is hope?
Hmmm...I don't have a specifically hopeful story, but I do believe that things can happen when you least expect them. I'm also mid-twenties, and I thought I knew a lot about myself and my life. Maybe I thought I knew everything about those things - and then I met a girl at 25 and my whole world turned upside down. One day, things were what they were, and then I started talking to a person (like literally it all happened when I met them after something to speak with them). I looked into their eyes, something came over me, and whatever my life had been in the moments before didn't exist anymore. That life was instantly over. So, where you are right now, with your feelings of doubt and sadness...they're just a state until whatever will inevitably happen next to change it into something else. Now, nothing that I wanted to happen with that girl happened. She actually totally broke my heart and sent me into a tailspin. BUT, now I know what it's like to truly be heartbroken and really, really like someone - maybe love. I sort of knew before, because I had a boyfriend I loved when I was younger that I thought I couldn't live without (lol), but this was adult brokenheartedness. I think it's important to know those feelings, and I'm happy I experienced them, even if it didn't pan out. Now I'll know what it feels like for the real thing, and that's how you should go about your situation. I'm lonely too sometimes - my life's kind of a mess right now. I think it's extra bad when you liked someone and things didn't work out, and that's probably why you're feeling so down about it. I keep trying to learn from things and reinvent the way I look at situations. Maybe you can do something like that or take up a hobby you like to keep your mind busy. Focus on filling yourself so full of things you love that it would be nice for someone to step into life with you, but even if they didn't, things would be okay. It's also fine to acknowledge being lonely, though. lol. I do all the time. I like to add a little dark humor to it, because, well...falling in love with a woman at 25 and then having your life tumble out of ordinary existence is actually hilarious. So, laugh about how straight you once were and how much you liked this girl, and then eat some cookies while crying and watching movies like the rest of us do.
I am also struggling with the notion that we should not rely on other people to make us happy. But I desperately want a relationship, and have had no luck yet. I wouldn't say I've got so far as believing there is nobody in this world meant for me, but I'm still pretty discouraged, especially as I have been doing all the right things, getting myself out there and mixing with gay women. However, one thing I have learnt is that even if people so far haven't wanted to date me, they have at least been willing to give me feedback, which has been very useful to me. Did you ever consider asking the girl what her feelings about the date were, and why she wasn't open to the idea of another one? That might seem rather an embarrassing thing to do, but I have found most people respond well to straightforward and honest questions, if they are asked with no criticism or anger attached, just a simple request for information.
I'm 26 and I haven't had sex/kissing/relationships either. Unless you count some online relationships I had when I was a teenager. It's just harder to find people when you are gay, and I didn't want to "put up" with sex/dating men since I knew who I was young. So I never did that either. The quote "You're supposed to love yourself before anyone else does" really refers to the idea of why It's so unhealthy for depressed people with self-esteem issues to try and date. Simply because dating does not fix depression. They end up using their partners as therapists, and get their partner caught in heartbreaking situations. However, if you are not mentally ill, this quote doesn't apply to you. It's perfectly normal to have frustrations about being alone and single. Most humans are social creatures and It's perfectly normal to crave that connection.
haha I can do the dark humor thing. Yeah, I mean that's all I can do I guess. And yeah I definitely also learned a lot from this heartbreaking experience. I know what you mean about using it to help you learn. I see how it was good for me, but I am just upset I guess. I am upset with myself, upset with the universe for teasing me; upset with her, for I don't even know what? I am just mad that I got my hopes up for no reason. I'm just tired of being tired, tired of being alone, tired of being let down. ---------- Post added 6th Dec 2016 at 06:40 PM ----------
It sounds like you went in for love all at once. I think a lot of people's experience with love is slower and something that is built together over time. In the movies you see an ideal fantasy of love that rarely resembles the real thing. Love at first sight for example. Ask yourself to define what love means to you, what are your expectations of it? I would recommend looking for LGBT friends, or activities to participate in. Don't over think things and start letting anxiety tell you you're broken somehow. If you widen your circle you'll find someone.
You are actually spot on! And I did not realize this until now, but honestly, it could definitely be anxiety getting to me. I actually am having issues with anxiety and am seeing a therapist about it. Thanks, your advice is really helpful! I am new to dating, love, etc. and yeah, I could have definitely went about this wrong and set my expectations a little too high. Thank you, I really appreciate your honest input!
No problem, you'll do good. Your open and honest, and there are people out there who really value that in friendships and relationships.
I feel like I am in the same exact boat of waiting. I haven't dated anyone, been in a relationship, kissed or had sex with anyone. It is not the end of the world. It is just going to take time. You just have to be patient. I am not patient either so I wonder the same things you are writing here... when will it happen for me?
You have more possibilities than you can imagine, but you have to take the leap and really try whether it's with with guys or gals. My therapist told me when I was 43 to just date and have sex with men in the spirit of gathering information about myself, without any expectations. Some of the best advice I've gotten. Just get in the game and see what happens.
Your therapist was right. The problem is, I haven't found anybody to date, despite joining three lesbian social groups and signing up to an online dating website.
I'll take it a step further. I believe there's literally thousands of people out there who you are compatible with and have the potential to end up being with. I think about it like this - say you figure that the person you're meant to be with is 1 in a million. Well, there's 7.5 BILLION people on this planet. So if you're compatible/meant to be with 1 in every million, well that's 7,500 people who are a perfect match for you. I don't think any of us will even meet 7,500 people in our lifetime, but I'm more than sure the odds are we'll meet people from within that set of people who are right for us and we'll make it work.
I think so, but I think people have to be realistic and put themselves out there a fair bit. One of my friends once said everyone is wanting to be with the best looking guy in the club and then everyone is going home alone. I think your not going to get all the cards dealt in one hand really and that peoples expectations are way too high for a partner.Thats why I think a lot of people are alone because people dont tick all the right boxes. That and they dont go out enough or do enough to meet new people.
