The last few days I've been feeling a bit different. The best way to describe it is a quiet confidence in my decisions, a calm and an acceptance of my path up to now and the path I have to take. For a long time, I was feeling a bit lost, even though I knew the separation was the right thing I just felt like something wasn't quite sitting well with me. The added question of my gender also amplified that feeling, and the comfort and familiarity I feel at home. A couple of days ago, I was with a friend and somehow it came up in conversation that I came out on FB (not fully as gay, but as "not straight", because obviously I'm publicly, in others' eyes, still married). He wanted to hear my coming out message, and reading it tugged at something inside me. I remembered that feeling I had before we decided to separate, that deep need that I couldn't quiet in me to come out, to be visible, to be me, to live my truth. The reality of the separation made things feel murkier and scarier, but that need is still there. And then a couple of nights ago I had a talk with my (stb) ex. It was such an honest and real conversation, and was really refreshing. I told him my journey again, how I wondered from the age of ten, with my first girl crush, whether I'm gay. How I thought immediately that no one can know. How I was not really open at all to anything about myself and my sexuality between 10 and 18, and was mostly numb to those feelings because of sexual abuse, isolation, moving from place to place, feeling weird, different and strange. How I dated guys just to sort of coast and feel normal like everyone else. How I started opening to my sexuality again from 18-26, then shit the door again. I don't know why this conversation, finally left a mark. He seemed to get it. He seemed to understand the journey better and to sort of acknowledge my identity. I even brought up my gender a little. Not much, but a bit. Anyway, I woke up yesterday feeling this calm feeling, a sense of relief and acceptance and renewed understanding of why I am exactly where I am at this point in my life. I know I don't need to be friends with my ex husband, but I really want to be, I'm hoping this is a sign we can understand each other and maintain a good friendship through everything. ---------- Post added 6th Dec 2016 at 01:26 AM ---------- *shut the door
I think you're doing well dear. You will figure out your gender soon enough. And I think being friends with your ex is a good thing, if it's possible. It'll make things better for your daughter.
Such a cool post. clarity is so calming. and im happy that you had a good conversation with your STBX, you all need to parent together for the sake of your girl. so, getting along is for the best. soo happy for you in this. :eusa_danc
Thanks cluster, I'm feeling like things are going in the right direction. My heart aches, but I think that's normal given the circumstances. I feel I'm torn in a lot of different directions in terms of a lot of things, but I'm finding my footing bit by bit. ---------- Post added 7th Dec 2016 at 02:32 AM ---------- Thanks lookingforme, I feel like my ex and I really can be a good team. It's been getting more and more positive. And I need to keep. Yielding this sense of clarity. It feels good to finally feel that calm sense of things growing a bit. ---------- Post added 7th Dec 2016 at 02:33 AM ---------- *building this sense of clarity
