I have had a few posts here previously, but not for some time now. I just feel like venting, and listen to any wisdom that may lie around I have told a couple of friends and a therapist that I am gay. But I have never gotten to the place where many of you have, the place of a relieved sigh, where you feel it was just sooo good to finally tell. I feel just as tense as before. I think the friends I have told want to respect my process and that I take things at my own pace. They are good people who I guess won't challenge my feeling of control. And time keeps passing. Years go by. And I feel just as stuck as before. I know the solution (be open, meet gay men), but I don't budge an inch. And when I talk to one of my friends that I have told I'm gay, I just kinda avoid the whole topic. It's like we never had the conversation in the first place. Another important thing is that I'm struggling just to feel attraction towards men. It's like I hold on to the idea of women in an obsessive way, and I just don't let go. I feel like I'm stuck in my own bubble of control. I don't feel much axiety or depression, but I feel flat and withdrawn. I know I can't continue to live like this. I know I need to change things and let go of this control, but I'm not quite sure how. I have known that I'm gay for almost six years now, and I'm pretty much at the same place. Any comments appreciated
Perhaps defining what your goal more specifically is would help you. For example, if it is to meet and date men then you would do the things that increase the chances of meeting guys to date ... joining gay groups, being friendly with guys in public, using online dating websites, taking a chance and asking a guy out perhaps just for coffee, and so forth.
I'm sorry but there just isn't a substitute for getting out and meeting people. There are so many ways that you can do this, but it will never happen if you don't make it happen. I am working hard at not sitting at home all alone in the evenings. I get out and do things and try to meet people, increase my circle of friendships. If you insist on keeping a lid on this, then you will stay in this place for as long as you do that. It's going to take some courage from you. There really is no other way.
Hey I totally get how you feel. When I first came out, I felt a slight relief that I had managed to tell the first person but even when I had told 2 or 3 I never felt a massive sense of relief or that a weight had been lifted or any of that. I had periods of high but these were often followed by big lows where I thought great I've told 2 people but I have so many more to come and so many other obstacles to negotiate. There were a couple of times where I halted my coming out process just to have a break. To me it sounds like you have done the same it's just your pause has become extended. I also sympathise with ignoring the topic when it comes to conversations with friends. This is something I found really difficult. The first few times I just found I had to force myself to bring it up so that it didn't become the elephant in the room. One thing I used to find useful for coming out and talking about it was to send my friends a message before hand telling them there was something I wanted to talk about etc which meant when I was with them they prompted the start of the conversation by asking about it.
I think you're right that it is an issue of control, and I think that control is what is probably preventing you from feeling the sense of relief that so many people (myself included) attribute to coming out. The thing is that I feel like for most people who experience that it isn't when they first tell someone it's when they really give up caring who knows. For some people that's when they first tell someone, for others it might come quite a while later. For some even after they've told a few people it may never come--don't let that happen to you. From what I've experienced and discussed with other people that sense of relief is the fact that you're no longer keeping that secret, you're finally being your true self. And it can be amazing--it certainly was for me. The thing is though, when you just tell a few select people you're still keeping the secret now you're just doing it badly. If anything now you just have less control over the secret. I think it's natural in that situation to not feel relieved at all. Indeed, it seems like many people actually feel more anxious and I think that makes sense. In order to get past it you really do have to give up the control of the whole thing because in the end you're not controlling it, it's controlling you. It seems like you know what you have to do, you've just got to do it.
Hi guys, and thanks for you comments, it's really helpfull I will work on both letting go of my inner control and seek more openness and contact with gay people (yikes!). That last one is the most difficult! In one way it's good for me to focus and get comments on this massive control of mine. That way I feel like it's something I'm actually doing, and not just something "happening to me"
Hi Chrissy81 I can relate to your post, I think we do all get a little stuck sometimes Maybe you can think of making progress as a series of small steps? (hence my signature!) Could you set yourself some small achievable goals - maybe go to a gay bar, go to a LGBT meet up or event, make some gay friends etc and do them one at a time? I also relate to what silverhalo said - after coming out to some friends I also had to force myself to bring it up in conversation so that it didn't become the elephant in the room. I wanted to get to a point where talking about it just seemed normal and not a big deal anymore. I think OGS is probably right though in that although it is a relief to tell some people (where I am just now) it does also cause anxiety because not everybody knows. So to tell everyone you want to know and to give up caring who knows is definitely the end goal. Good luck ---------- Post added 9th Dec 2016 at 05:54 PM ---------- I don't know if you might find this thread useful: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/226043-owning-being-gay.html
