I'm in my 40s, recently divorced (from a guy), and I would say about 99% of my sexual fantasies, ever since my early teens, have been about women, but I never really identified as lesbian because I had crushes on guys, but never any girls. When I did fantasize about guys, what I fantasized about was them desiring me and wanting to have sex with me, which turned me on. Isn't that a typical straight woman fantasy? But I don't like looking a men's bodies and I find their private parts a little weird and sort of funny-looking. But don't most straight women think that way? However, when I did have sex with guys, I couldn't orgasm unless I imagined myself with a woman some way. Lately my sexual fantasies have become more intense and frequent (like throughout the day), when before it was usually just at night before I went to sleep. For the past 5 years or so, I would say literally 99.99% of my sexual fantasies are about women. In the past they were only about women I would see in porn magazines or something, but recently I've fantasized about women I know, but I'm not in love with them or anything or don't feel "butterflies" when I'm with women. What's going on here? Recently I've come to the frightening thought that perhaps I've been lesbian my whole life but never realized it because I never had any romantic feelings for women. I always dreamed about marrying a man and having kids and I thought just limiting lesbian sex to fantasy, or perhaps hiring a prostitute once in a while, would be good enough for me. Do you think I am lesbian? In terms of sexual fantasy and what creates the physiological sensation of sexual arousal, I would say that I'm almost entirely lesbian. But emotionally, I feel more comfortable around guys and my closest friends in my life have been guys/boyfriends. I find it hard to get emotionally close with women, even as friends. Any thoughts appreciated! Btw, my divorce had nothing to do with my sexual orientation. My ex-husband had an affair, so I filed for divorce (though he wanted to reconcile).
I'm in my 30s and at my one-year wedding anniversary (to an amazing woman) had a devastating realization that I had been checking out guys and had had a sexual fantasy about being with a guy. I love having sex with women and find women beautiful and sensual but I'm very afraid that I might be gay because I had been having more thoughts about men being naked than women. I feel very fucked up because I feel like I can't explore this with my wife, who I am very much in love with and don't want to leave. We were also talking about having a kid. I'm wracked with anxiety 24/7. I know this doesn't help but I just want to say I understand what you're going through.
Hi, welcome, I don't know if this will help but; What about women's bodies and private parts? I repressed it for a long time but I recently came out to myself as gay, and I love looking and fantasizing about guys and guys private parts. What about on the street? Who do you look at? For years, like you (except I am guy) i had sex with women but during that time imagined being with a guy. But like you, I thought it was all about sex. Just a fantasy. And I only had crushes on women ... When I began to accept myself as gay, I started to have romantic fantasies about guys, and I started to realize my needs to be with a man were more than sexual. Sex was just one aspect of the intimacy I want to experience with a man. At first that scared me and I denied it but as I slowly accepted it I realized I was gay. Could you accept that are a lesbian? Plenty of other people have similar paths, lots of stories on this forum the ones in LGBT later in life might be helpful. Hope this helps.
Oh, I love women's bodies and private parts and find them highly sexually arousing, but it's usually women in porn or magazines or movies, not in real life. I've had a few female friends who I thought were particularly hot and imagined them naked a few times, but it's not like I was in love with them or anything. Recently I've gone to a couple of lesbian meetups and I could feel myself become physically aroused just by talking to a couple of women, and I never felt that before while I actually talking to a real woman. I always thought this was some kind of sexual addiction/fantasy that I could cabin for my masturbation fantasies at night or when I became stressed. I did try dating a few women when I was in my 20s. One time the sex was amazing but the other times seemed "meh" and weren't as good as my fantasies, and the only women who seemed to interested in me were very butch women, when I prefer more feminine women. Part of me also wanted desperately to live the traditional life of being married to a man and having kids. It's not clear to me how much of that is my parents' fantasy rather than my true desires. I remember thinking in high school that I would have to somehow fly to Las Vegas every now and then to hire a female prostitute in order to satisfy my urges when I was married. I've only really thought about dating women in real life again a few months ago when I was doing this inner-child/self-parenting work I read in a book about how to get more in touch your inner child. When I asked my inner child what her ideal day would be, she said something to the effect of spending the whole day with a girlfriend kissing and holding hands wandering the city and going out to dinner and seeing The Killers in concert (I've recently come to love the band and I think Brandon Flowers is a closet case, but that's another story) together with her while holding her and touching her private parts and such. I was sort of shocked, because until then my lesbian fantasies were just limited to porn. So since then I've become sort of obsessed about having a girlfriend.
Ok, well it sounds like you're gay but one thing about the sexual fantasies and porn... porn especially can ruin sexual relationships and your partner is never going to live up to your fantasy if you try to compare them. many healthy relationships have been ruined by one partner engaging in porn. There are tons of sites that deal with porn addiction -even if you're not addicted you should read up and I would suggest taking a break if its something you do regularly, then try dating in real life. That's what I did when I was trying to figure out my sexuality. I was kind of hoping it would turn out my gay fantasies were a porn addiction and I was straight but it became more and more obvious I was gay, but clearing the porn away made me realize that and accept myself, and now I am very happy with my sexuality.
Thanks, Findingjoy. I've actually taken a break from porn for awhile and don't plan to use it in the near future and started fantasizing about a couple of women I've met at meetups. I could feel myself being turned on by them as I talked to them, but don't think they're particularly interested in me. Oh well. Do you or anyone know why there has been such a block for most of my life in thinking that I'm actually gay? I've been very conscious of the fact that I'm sexually attracted to women and have thought about it almost everyday of my life, but didn't actually think I was gay because I never got the butterflies/romantic feelings. I dated a few women in my 20s, but I didn't get the butterflies/romantic feelings, so concluded I must not be gay. Perhaps it has something to do with feeling rejected by women all my life? My mother I felt was hyper-critical and in middle school I felt like I was tormented by a group of mean girls whom I thought were my friends, so I've felt sort of traumatized by that and always felt much more comfortable around guys.
I don't know why but its not uncommon here, myself included. I do think being 'desired' by someone else can be appealing and stimulating and looking back on my relationships with women that's mainly what i was getting out of it. Chances are you're more likely to be desired by the opposite sex being that most people are straight and overtly gay courting is not common unless you are in a LGBT community. Feeling good about being desired could be enough for us to convince ourselves we're not gay... just a thought.
Findingjoy, yes, I think you might be onto something. What I really wanted from men was for them to desire me. That somehow made me feel loved and accepted and validated as a person. I only enjoyed sex with men to the extent I thought that they were enjoying sex with me; I don't find men's bodies sexy per se or even, but I thought that most straight women felt that way (don't they?). It's funny. To orgasm after intercourse with a guy, I usually had to masturbate thinking about a woman or watching lesbian porn. All my boyfriends didn't seem to mind getting me magazines with lesbian porn (this was before the Internet was in wide usage) or letting me watch lesbian porn after sex with them.
