Help me. I'm 46. I have a life with good friends. My own business. Clients. FRIENDSHIPS. I'm seeing how much I hide my feminine feelings and desires from all of them and I'm scared! This fear of femininity has hurt me so much. I've never really dealt with the death of my mother 30 years ago because I was so scared of my femininity coming out. I think I want to be beautiful. And I don't know how to handle that feeling. I think I want to try high heels, makeup, growing my hair out, women's underwear. I want to shave my beard. I don't think having a penis feels right. I'm somewhere between numb and wanting to throw up.
Hi, welcome to. EC! This is a very supportive place. Keep posting and reading others' stories. It's never too late to come out and live your truth. You're making such a brace step in acknowledging your feelings about who you are. Do you have any supportive friends who you might confide in? It makes such a difference telling even one person. I've been questioning my gender lately as well. And I understand the feelings you're having about your body and about how you feel on the inside versus how it is reflected in the outside and how others expect you to be. Do you have any gender or trans support groups in your area? An LGBT counsellor can also help you come to a better understanding of yourself. (*hugs*) :welcome: ---------- Post added 11th Dec 2016 at 06:25 PM ---------- *that should say - you're taking a *brave* step
I'll tell you about me gay cousin. He has his own business, when he came out he lost about 30 of his 970 accounting clients. He lives in a red state..... Take care, Dean
Not Sure, This is tough because I can't relate to your experience directly, but I will say this - 1. We all need to feel beautiful and be seen. 2. Masculinity and femininity are vastly over-simplified and constructed. 3. You are deeper than this, stronger than this, and any "friend" who would leave you doesn't deserve you. I remember a time in my life when I grew my hair out a bit, had it permed, and I wore linen shirts and printed vests. Hey, it was the 90s. You know what? I probably looked "gay" or at least "feminine". You know what else? I felt like a million bucks! Not because I'm necessarily feminine, but because I'm me. Today I'm told I'm very straight-acting by some, and kind of 50/50 by others. Still others just shrug. I'm 44 and finally not even thinking about it that much. On the other hand, sometimes I deeply envy heterosexuals because their lusts are at least "fertile" and bear children - a sure sign of approval by God, yes? I assume that I would have an easier time as a consultant if I could just break the ice talking about Johnny's football practice and Suzie's ballet, but no, any talk of my personal life conjures images of appendages, orificies, and lube. For the sake of my career in the stodginess of management consulting, I get to keep my freak flag flying at about quarter mast. I don't know if you are truly, clinically "gender dysphoric" but you seem to be wanting validation. All I can say is that none of us are fully validated by the world, and there's always a feeling of lacking - for any human being I think. So if you can, make friends with the fact that you're different and let that be something to explore and be compassionate with. It's late and I'm writing sappy stuff sitting in the relative liberal comfort of a very Blue State. But please, let yourself just "be", without judgment, and see where that leads in time. Easier said than done I know. Much love and hugs, Patrick Seattle, WA ---------- Post added 13th Dec 2016 at 01:45 AM ---------- Ah - one other thing you might want to consider: "The ManKind Project". Check it out. -Patrick
