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Well I did it

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by TravelerMe, Dec 12, 2016.

  1. TravelerMe

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    I’ve started to write this post several times but just haven’t felt like finishing it. For some reason, I just didn’t want any accolades or praise for what I did. But, I feel like I owe it to everyone who’s helped me here to let you know; I know you all care. I’ve told a handful of you privately or on our walls but anyway…

    I came out to my wife about 4 weeks ago. She was taken completely by surprise and crushed by the news. She was very understanding on a base level but feels rejected. Not unloved but rejected; almost harder than anything to explain away. She knows I love her but on top of rejection she is saddened that she could never be enough for me and that feels our lives have been built on a lie.

    We’ve had some decent moments where we’ve even joked about little things and she is glad for me to finally accept myself but when she looks down the road at the future versus her dreams for us she’s devastated again.
    I’ve not been in the best spirits but have a decent support group who’s helped me through; she has not told anyone and does not have a support network yet. We do not plan on telling the kids or anyone else now; Its early of course.

    We plan on seeing a couple’s therapist and she will see someone separately. It’s all a bit weird right now as I really don’t feel anything has changed of course except that I’ve wounded her deeply and seeing the pain I’ve caused her brings me down. I suppose in time it will get better but the current struggle is difficult.
     
  2. baristajedi

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    I won't give you accolades because I know you don't want that, but I will say it's a big step and I understand all of those feelings you're going through. If it helps, my soon-to-be-ex is accepting this all more over time. It's great you're seeing a counsellor and that she is seeing one on her own. What about you seeing someone on your own? Counselling has helped me progress so much.

    (*hug*) big hugs
     
  3. Weston

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    Just give it time. This is a huge shock for her, as it was for my wife. She will need support, and the sooner she tells someone, the faster the healing can begin. A close friend or relative can lend a willing ear, at the very least. There is also the Straight Spouse Network, which has helped some spouses (although others, including my wife, find the participants too focused on bitterness and recrimination). One of the things I told my wife early on was that our situation was not so different from my having suddenly died; in a sense, my old self was dead. It's up to the survivor to grieve and carry on. Most people recover from a sudden death, and people can recover from this too. Two and a half years on, my wife has largely recovered. There are still moments of sadness for what has been lost, but there is also optimism and joy. We're still best friends, but we pursue separate romantic interests. Our kids (grown up) are fine with it. It is my firm conviction that the better your marriage, in terms of understanding, compassion, and communication, the better the outcome of its dissolution is likely to be.
     
  4. TravelerMe

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    baristajedi- Thanks so much; I have been seeing a therapist and support group for some time and will continue to do so.

    Weston- I really do need to be patient; She's even said its worse than a death and worse than if I had an affair with a woman. She doesn't want to deal with it and just wants it to go away. So hard since I want to move forward as soon as possible but need to get her to start to deal with what is reality.
     
  5. brainwashed

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    Wow. Thanks for the update. Still thinking of a response.
     
  6. I'm gay

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    Hi Traveler,

    I completely understand about not wanting accolades. Most people I've come out to say those things like "You're so brave" and use words like courageous and speak of being proud of me. Sometimes those compliments made me feel worse because I didn't feel courageous. I didn't feel like anyone should be proud of me. I felt like I was destroying my life, and my family, by coming out. So what's to be proud of???

    Yeah, I get that. Just know that people say those things because it's all they can say. And it really does seem courageous to people to take that leap that they can't even imagine doing. So, you'll get those things here on EC and in your life when you come out to more people. Just know that they mean well even if it's bittersweet for you to hear them.

    My coming out has been bittersweet the whole way. Sweet because I'm finally being the real me, letting my guard down, and starting to find myself after all these years. Bitter because my freedom has to come at the cost of pain to my wife and kids. It sucks that our coming out has to be bittersweet. No glitter party, no fun reveal to friends on Facebook.

    Your journey mirrors mine in so many ways, and we've discussed much of that in our chats together. I'm months farther ahead in my journey, and have separated from my wife. I had 5 months together with my wife after I came out to her before we separated. Your journey out may be similar or it may be completely different. It's a road only you and your wife can travel.

    It will get better, but it will take more time, and patience, and perseverance. I know you can do it.

    Please do send me a PM if you ever need to talk, or need any advice, or just want to chat. Of course I'll help in any way I can.

    Take care. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  7. TravelerMe

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    I suppose maybe I shouldn't have said that (something else to feel guilty about :lol:slight_smile: because encouraging each other we help ourselves and it is a difficult thing we are all dealing with and we should be proud of making such a leap to being who we really are. I don't want to take away that chance for people on different parts of the journey the chance to encourage and give praise; I've done it for many here; we help ourselves by helping each other and we help others by letting them help and encourage us.

    Thanks so much for thinking of me and taking the time with such a thoughtful response.
     
  8. Nebrguy

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    I came out to my wife about a month and a half ago. Its been a few challenging weeks to say the least. She goes from being" I want to understand this so I can support you", to snide comments like "are you the woman when you do mm stuff" or "I just can't believe you've been with another man". I cringe at those comments, but understand she is dealing with major news, and I need to give her the space to vent, and come to terms with this major news. We both don't want to separate, and have decided to move forwards one day at a time.

    This is a journey and process. I'm lucky to have (so far) a pretty understanding wife, but I also realize I'm in the minority of guys in this situation. One side benefit of this is we talk now more than ever, and in a strange way, it has brought us closer together. We've both opened up more in the past month than we have in the last 10 years, as far as sharing deep intimate parts of ourselves with each other. I don't know what the future holds for us, but I'm cautiously optimistic things will work out. We have a ways to go yet, but the journey has begun. Even 6 months ago I could never have imagined I would wake up one day and say to myself, enough is enough, its time to be authentic to myself, accept I'm bisexual and come out to her. So far I don't regret it, but I'm also no proud of myself either. I just wish I had done it a long time ago.
     
  9. WarmEmbrace

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    Being truthful in spite of things getting downright painful is super-worthy of praise, even if it can feel awkward. Living under the anaesthetic of a lie is likely would not have led to a happy life for either of you. Maybe the true reason (probably) why you cannot receive praise for it and why is does feel loaded is that you feel guilty for taking so long to do it, for doing things behing her back for a while, or for not censoring your feelings more for the sake of the person you love, and that's perfectly natural as well. We are not robots, we are living beings with feelings, some of those feelings are anxiety and empathy, and sometimes those feelings are stronger than an otherwise sound principle like "always tell the truth" and can keep us from doing what is right, right away.
    (*hug*)
     
  10. Teach1

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    I haven't been around in awhile, but so happy for in taking this step. It has been awhile for me and there has been a huge amount of doubt and pain. While I still have those feelings, I am happier than I have been in awhile. Good luck and keep us posted.