I suppose for much of my life I've not lived my truth, and this past year and some change I've been taking trying to gather to courage to get closer and closer to living my truth. The part that has been harder than anything is accepting and staying firm to my decision to separate from my (soon to be ex) husband. Because of our daughter, we've chosen a slow break from our marriage. I basically need to renew my sense of confidence and belief in myself everyday, and some days I have faith in what I'm doing, some days I'm near zero. There's always moments when I think I can't do this, or maybe I don't need to be fully happy, or how will I make it as a single mom, will my daughter really be ok, etc. This process is slow and quite painful, I know we all just simply have to go through the pain and I know I can get through the pain, but can I get through the uncertainty and fear? And can I get through watching my daughter and my ex go through pain? There's so many things I wish right now.. I wish I could see into the future and see my daughter, well-adjusted, healthy and happy. (I don't question my happiness, I know living my truth makes me feel so full and happy, the closer I get to it the fuller I feel). I wish I could be me in more areas of my life, rather than still being known by mostly everyone I interact with as straight and happily married. I'm gay and it has taken me a long and difficult journey to get here. I want to be able to talk about my life, my feelings, however I feel in the moment with people I interact with (friends, coworkers, nursery parents, etc) I wish my ex would see how painful and important this decision is for me, and believe in my ability to know myself, believe in my dedication to doing the best for our daughter, and not view this all as a whim or a passing fancy I wish I could know that my ex and I will have a positive and maybe even close relationship as co parents and maybe even friends I wish that I could could be with my family, could have all of that love sure surroubding me right now, and maybe even move back there someday with my daughter. I wish that I could rip the bandaid off rather than go through this slow process, but obviously not at the expense of my daughter's needs I wish I could mourn openly about losing this life, have a place to cry, tell my ex how much I love him (at this point I can't show him any of these emotions, it would look like uncertainty to him, I can't risk that) I wish I could could take some time off from everything and just sit still somewhere and listen to music and not feel all of these constant pressures I wish I could speak with people i want support from more than just a few minutes here and there, like my family and best friends, I could really use their support right now. I shouldn't complain so much, i have been so lucky, my new friends ive been making, the LGBT centre, the insight of people on here (EC), has helped me enormously and filled a lot of these gaps. I'm just needing to get these feelings out somewhere I think.
I wish I could see into the future and see my daughter, well-adjusted, healthy and happy. this we all wish we could do for our children, but all we can do is our best and prey it's enough. I wish I could be me in more areas of my life. i found this took steps, came out to a few, then my family, then to the world in general via FB. now i have to do it again as trans, steps/waypoints all lead to our open authentic selves. I wish my ex would see how painful and important this decision is for me, and believe in my ability to know myself, believe in my dedication to doing the best for our daughter, and not view this all as a whim or a passing fancy this one is tougher, he will see what he wants till he cant deny who you are and the pain and strength you have. he will and must see you being a good parent, even my ex sees me as a good parent. also living your life is proof enough that you are who you are and not caught up in some fantasy. I wish I could know that my ex and I will have a positive and maybe even close relationship as co parents and maybe even friends time, if it will happen it will take time and maturity on both of your parts, keeping your child as the focal point of your interactions. I wish that I could could be with my family hard i know, but in the absence of blood family, chosen family, like the friends at the centre or others you trust and bring or have in your circle can be as close or even closer, this gives you 2 families. I wish that I could rip the bandaid off rather than go through this slow process, but obviously not at the expense of my daughter's needs this goes without saying, but sometimes 'adulting' actually sucks, just has to be done. I wish I could mourn openly about losing this life, have a place to cry, tell my ex how much I love him take the time for the first 2, and do the last when you are ready. I wish I could could take some time off from everything and just sit still somewhere and listen to music and not feel all of these constant pressures take the time for this, you need it, this is self care. you do no one any good if you're completely drained, the whole cant pour from an empty cup thing. I wish I could speak with people i want support from more than just a few minutes here and there, like my family and best friends, I could really use their support right now. take time to set up an epic skype call? I shouldn't complain so much, i have been so lucky, my new friends ive been making, the LGBT centre, the insight of people on here (EC), has helped me enormously and filled a lot of these gaps. this is the stepping stones you're gathering, you can make a lot from these. hope this helps. :icon_bigg
Thanks lookingforme for the thoughtful reply to my points all of this is very encouraging and helpful.
