Taking the next step

I've come out to a few people in my life and continue to do so when I feel the time is right. I'm also starting to feel a lot more calm/comfortable talking about it with certain people. Basically, I've taken the right steps to accept the fact that I'm not straight within myself & with the people closest to me. Now I feel like I'm in a weird place and don't know how to take the next step aka actually start dating! I'm quite nervous about online dating because I feel like it's very forced and I just cant see myself being comfortable enough to do it. No judgement AT ALL to anyone-- in fact, I WISH I was comfortable with the thought of meeting someone online. I just don't think it's my personality type.

I think it's also hard because I have literally zero experience with women (dating, physically, you name it) so I don't think someone who is online looking for a potential relationship would be too keen to take on a "project" like me, if you know what I mean. The only way I could see someone being okay with it is if happen to meet and have feelings for each other; then they'll feel a connection and see that I might be worth a shot. I can't see someone who is unsure if there's even a connection thinking it would be worth it to start something with someone like me.

Basically, to those of you who came out later in life, how did you take the first step to actually start dating? How did you meet someone? It seems so hard and my desire to meet someone and have a true connection is getting stronger and stronger. It's funny how much has changed within myself in the last few months. I just feel like I'm missing something...

Help? Advice? Please

 

I do live just outside of Toronto so I'm sure there are LGBT groups. There is one in particular that I've looked into but I guess I just need to bite the bullet and actually join. It just seems so daunting.... I don't want to be out there desperately trying to find someone. I'm sure that doesn't really work out for anyone haha.

I'm nervous due to the fact that I've never dated a woman (and barely any men, TBH). It may be a turnoff for someone who has been out since their teenage years. I think I'm in that weird place between realizing/admitting who I am and actually living that life. It may have been easier living in limbo because now I really want a relationship.

 

You make some good points. It is funny that I would never feel the need to share my past sexual experiences on a first date with a man but for some reason I feel like it's a huge secret to keep from a woman. I guess because I don't want to mislead.. but mostly it's probably because I feel SO self conscious about it. I constantly worry about it; whether it's just that I haven't been on a date with a woman or kissed or slept with, it all worries me.

Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I guess if there's a true connection maybe my lack of experience won't matter to her... now it's just the matter of actually finding her.

---------- Post added 18th Dec 2016 at 02:54 AM ----------

This forum really is great. It's crazy how many people can relate. I'm hoping that I'll be able to actually start living the life I want soon because it's getter harder and harder to just keep living the way I have been. Some days I feel hopeful and some days it seems impossible.

Back when I was lying to myself about being straight (you know, like earlier this year :badgrin I think I felt much more hopeless than I do now. Every day I said to myself "I'm going to die alone. I will never find anyone to love." At least now I feel like there's a slight chance I'll be lucky enough to find someone I love and am attracted to. This next step just seems very difficult.... but we aren't the first ones to do it, right?! So, here's to both (and ALL) of us trying to find happiness!

I'm happy we have each other here at EC to lean on

 

Wow. I never thought of it being like the job experience conundrum but it's so true! Thanks for sharing your experience; although I wish you weren't going through the same thing as me, it is reassuring that I'm not the only one worried about experience.

Do you find it's something that constantly worries you? Like you'll meet someone you have a connection with and it'll scare her away? I feel like that definitely worries me (as I said) but I'm just as worried about never finding anyone at all! Why can't I have a "meet cute" like in the movies?! :badgrin:

You should definitely confide in your co-worker. It might help you just to have someone in "real life" to talk to. Oh, how I wish people here on EC were friends in the real world. I do have gay friends though but I'm the only one who has taken so long to "figure it out." I've only confided in two of them but haven't talked much about it since.

Maybe being behind a screen helps us shed our inhibitions. But, I say if you have a chance to have a face-to-face conversation with someone who has been through it before, try and go for it. Are you ever in a casual setting with her? Maybe you should suggest going out for an informal lunch one day. I know it's easier said than done but you'll probably feel a lot better afterwards. Who knows, maybe she'll introduce you to a new group of people

---------- Post added 19th Dec 2016 at 01:04 AM ----------

That does sound like a good mantra! I think I'm much better at giving advice to others... I should probably start taking my own advice :badgrin:

 

I feel the same way about bars; I definitely wouldn't feel comfortable trying to "pick someone up" or whatever. I don't think that's the environment for me! That's a great way to put it: being an openly gay version of who I other am and have always been. I love that.

 

A meetup group still does make me nervous but that's only because it's with people I don't fully know-- but I guess that's the point! I'm about 30mins north of Toronto so, not TOO far from Hamilton.

I don't necessarily "need" to be in a relationship (after all, I've survived thus far without one) but it would be nice. I'm not looking to be with someone just for the sake of being with someone; I'd like it to be a strong connection, obviously. I have quite a few gay friends and they're all in serious relationships. They don't all know about me but for some reason I don't feel quite ready to tell everyone yet. I want to branch out of the same old group so I can fully be myself without any preconceived notions. Sooo, basically a meetup group would probably be perfect :lol:

 

Yes, I think I'll really have to just join some meetup groups. I signed up for some LGBT groups (mainly lesbian groups) via Meetup a few days ago but now it's just a matter of going. I do have some social anxiety but I also have an extremely outgoing side. It's funny because I'm a singer/songwriter and I frequently perform in front of crowds and feel completely comfortable. I've even recently gotten into acting & comedy; but the thought of a meetup makes me very nervous. Probably because it's new, I'm not very "out" and I do have an insecent need for people to like/accept me. Social anxiety is the worst.

Anyways, I just have to do it otherwise I'll likely be stuck in this same position a year from now! Volunteering is a great idea, as well.

Perhaps Meetups will work for you? I know your situation is much more complicated considering your marriage but I think everyone deserves to be happy. I used to say that I would just get married, have a couple kids then get divorced (not realizing that there was something weird about the fact that I was already ready to divorce my future husband without having met him. Now I know why... I don't want a husband, I want a relationship with a woman!) I'm glad I didn't do that now but still wish I would have realized/accepted the fact that I'm gay when I was a teenager. But I will tell you that I personally know women in their 30s who were married to men who ended up falling in love with another woman/realizing they were gay. So, there is DEFINITELY hope for you!!

 

You bring up some very interesting and enlightening points in regards to online dating. May I ask, have you ever had a relationship with a woman? I'm just asking because the main reason I have anxiety about online dating (as I said) is the fact that I have zero experience; I think that will scare women off. I figure I'll be very in my own head due to the fact that online dating does come with expectations in terms of the relationship leading somewhere, whereas meeting someone in person in a more casual setting won't have those expectations right off the bat. Does that make sense?

I also did very briefly sign up for an online dating site (and I mean VERY briefly-- I deleted it within an hour). It actually freaked me out to browse the profiles. I think maybe it's because I feel like my past connections and attractions to women are so based on their vibe and that certain "je be sais quoi" and I didn't feel like a profile/picture was doing it for me. I was looking at the pictures and thinking "I am not into any of these women ." It actually made me question my sexuality again which is ridiculous because I know how I feel in "real life." I've had plenty of crushes on women and none on any guy since I was about 14.

But you do make it sound like it's not all bad. By the way, I am not putting anyone down who dates online. I'm actually jealous that you're so open! I see its benefits, for sure. I'm just curious about your experience level. I know you say you want an intimate relationship but a) have you had any issues with others if you are inexperienced in other ways (physically etc) or b) if you ARE experienced in any way, would you be open to someone who isn't? If you don't feel comfortable sharing, that's no problem